Saturday, September 19, 2009

The Root of all Schmeevil

So I start wondering to myself, I wonder - Is this because of the MS or is it just me? Would I have done this or felt that way even if I had never had the damn thing? Is MS a big trigger for tons of weird crap or is it merely a detail in the odd trajectory of what is, essentially, my life?
Heavy stuff right?! Okay, yea, I know I could never come to a true conclusion to intangible and ridiculous questions like that one, why we exist, or who God is (even though we all know it's probably someone like Hugh Hefner or George Clooney or someone else who is living the high life)... but I can't help it! It's a question on my mind like all the damn time.
So think maybe I should go over some of these questions. It was either that or I was gonna talk about why I don't eat seafood
. Yea, the questions are probably more interesting -
Would I have gotten some of those jobs I interviewed for if it weren't for the MS?:
So I've been out of work for over a year now. Now before you ask, I didn't lose it to the MS. When I had a relapse and I was working there, I was able to handle it. Any struggles I had they overlooked because, hey, the people I worked with loved me (what's not to love?!). But that job is gone. Lost to the economy, to bankruptcy and probably shitty business decisions. No use crying over all that mess. Since then though, I've searched all over the place for work, and when I actually did get an interview I'm pretty sure I didn't look very good in their eyes. The interview where I got to showcase the childlike handwriting from the tingle hands. The interview where I had trouble walking. Oh, and of course the job I actually GOT and then was let go from after ONE DAY because I couldn't work hard and fast enough. Jobs I've actually wanted and jobs I really didn't, all passing me by. Sure, I could blame it on the job market. Then again I could blame it on me being unimpressive. Or is it the MS tripping me up with it's little tricks? I can't tell!
Would I be as willing to try things and be as adventurous if I didn't have MS?:
This one is a good one I guess. I think after finally putting a name to all the crazy stuff I was going through I started to realize just how surprising life can be. Things just happen. So its like, what the hell? Screw it. If I have a chance to do something, like bungee jump or go on some crazy trip, it's like - why the hell not? Now, of course, I haven't really got the chance to do things like that. Just yet anyway. Money precludes me from such endeavors. Still, I've done some stuff that I don't think I would have done five yeas ago, or even last year. Then again, I start to wonder, is it just me getting older, restless, and maybe it's part of the Damon evolution. We never stay exactly the same person we always were. If we did, I'd still have that Milli Vanilli VHS tape. Oh, wait, yea I still do.
Would I be having AS much trouble with diet and exercise, or is it the MS?:
Okay, this one is kinda complicated. I've always been overweight. Then again, a little over a year ago I decided to handle it somewhat and I did really well. At the time I had only had my first (undiagnosed) bout with MS five years prior and my second was just going away (still undiagnosed!) and was going away completely without any lingering effects. I was exercising tons and losing weight (like 70 lbs.) with no problem. Now this time, good ol' Mr. Tingly is back and has basically set up permanent residence in my hands and even though I put in the effort I don't really seem to get anywhere. I've actually gained 10 or so pounds. Now, yes, I know, the snacks do not help... but still! Then again, is it just that I'm not doing enough? Or am I doing it wrong? Should I be blaming MS at all?
Well, I think in the end maybe it doesn't really matter if it's MS or not. It's a part of me, so essentially it is me. Just like everyone's MS is a little different because their MS is a part of them. It's a very personal thing. So while it's a great benefit to have something I can blame stuff on (and I will DEFINITELY use it to get outta those things I don't wanna do) I think in the end MS is a part of who I am so, blaming MS is just blaming myself in a way. That'll probably end in a few depressing moments I'm sure, but I'm thinking it'll make the accepting MS thing a little easier. Maybe it's kinda like quicksand - don't struggle, you'll only make it worse. Oh, and when someone tosses you a line, take it.

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