Sunday, February 19, 2017

Conversation Not Included

I have a hard time starting conversations these days. I enjoy talking to people when they talk to me, but for some reason I just can't approach someone and talk to them. Even online. I really have to force myself to say anything. I wonder if people think I'm being unfriendly?

Friday, February 17, 2017

Return of the Rentals

Considering resurrecting this blog. Not sure why? Maybe just to have an outlet again I guess.
My MS has been okay. No relapses, which is good. But I still struggle with the stuff I got. The depression. The anxiety. The anger. The fear. The isolation. The numbness. The medications. The side effects. It's all so overwhelming. I thought about therapy but when I gave it a shot it made me agitated. So now I'm on an anti-depressant. It makes me feel sorta dead inside, which sucks. I liked feeling like I had emotions and cared about things.
Relationship came and went. People come and go. I don't know if I really can count on anyone anymore. I don't really have anyone I can fully open up to. Sure, I've distanced myself from some people, but I can't have people in my life who can't be honest with me or treat me with the respect that I deserve. So I guess I'll resign myself to basic friendships of limited conversation, never really going past the superficial. Shrug.
On a positive note, these days I run an account on Twitter, @VoicesOfMS and it seems to be doing well. It gets new followers all the time and people seem to use it the way I had intended it, to connect with each other, so that's great. It's really a good idea - Echo (retweet) what people are saying about their MS and then other people with MS will recognize similar feelings and see that they aren't alone. No stuff about the latest fad diets or supposed cures or anything divisive like that, or using it to promote other things, just a platform for people with MS to have their feelings heard.
Well, like I said at the beginning of this entry, I am only considering resurrecting this blog, so maybe don't stay tuned for the next entry?

Sunday, July 21, 2013


Lately I've been really sad. Like, really really sad. To be fair, I am dealing with a breakup. With my BEST friend. So of course I'm gonna be upset. This thing with us basically went on for 3 years give or take, so it's not like I'm just going to bounce right back.

So with all this sadness and the feeling of loss...of emptiness and anger...with this bundle of bad feelings I have just festering inside me I start to wonder if maybe I've become depressed.

It's real easy for me to slip into depression. Not only do I have the sort of personality that makes it easy to fall into that hole, but having MS and taking Avonex can also have an effect. It's all chemical and stuff goes on in my body that I don't have much control over.

But what I can do is recognize when I have a problem and when I need help. So I think back to my last big fight with depression. I think back to those feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. Those times when I felt so alone but didn't want anyone around at the same time. Those were bad times.

So, these days when I sometimes feel like crying, or when I wake up and I feel this big hole where a lot of my heart used to be, or when I feel totally and utterly alone I just think back. I compare my feelings to my previous depression and I think to myself, "Are you sad, like really really sad, or is this depression?"

Well, right now I'm just sad.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Breakups Suck

Especially when you don't see it coming. Especially when you still love that person with all your heart. Especially when you're me...super sensitive, introverted, and devastated.

Breakups suck.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Good Help Is Hard To Find

Maybe I'm wrong, but I was under the impression that I have Multiple Sclerosis, and with that wonderful gift I am also blessed with that whole fatigue thing, where I get tired quicker than I should when engaging in activities. Things like that, I thought, qualified me for a disability pass on the local transit system. Well, that's what I thought...

I guess I was wrong. I was informed by my neurologist (before being hung-up-on mid sentence) that I don't qualify at all and the paperwork I had given to him wasn't going to be signed. Which now means I'm kinda regretting signing up for six classes at a not-so-local community college to further my education and hopefully get a good job.

Now in addition to my financial scares and how nervous I am about the workload of the coming semester, I have to be stressed out about not being disabled enough or whatever. Great, thanks. Thanks a bunch for that.

Wow, I really do miss the days I had a neurologist who understood what was going on with my life and was helpful.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Contradictions Ahead

So I'm kinda hoping that by this point no one actually reads my lame blog. Like most people I have that weird feeling that everyone is gonna laugh at me when I try and express my genuine feelings. Having no readers really makes that concern less of an issue.

So basically I came here to just throw up some sort of funny picture to go along with the one thing I have to say: I am lonely. These past two months have just been really lonely.

Yea, turns out being lonely really isn't funny. I didn't need Google Image Search to tell me that, but it certainly confirmed it.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Charity Begins At Your House

From Wikipedia:

A benefactor is a person who gives some form of help to benefit a person, group or organization (the beneficiary), often gifting a monetary contribution in the form of an endowment to help a cause. Benefactors are humanitarian leaders and charitable patrons providing assistance in many forms, such as an alumnus from a university giving back to a college or an individual providing assistance to others. The word benefactor comes from Latin bene (good) and factor (maker).

Benefactor... good maker... what an excellent concept, the idea that there are people out there who want to do good, provide assistance, and be charitable.

You know, I think I need to find myself a benefactor or two. What would I have to offer them though, to make them feel like they weren't just leaving empty handed (except the satisfaction they'd get from helping someone awesome)? I'd have to fall back on what I do best, I'd have to be creative! Original creations reflecting my own passions and show that helping me would be worthwhile.

Things like original prints of my own photography, a personalized mix CD, a record cover box, or maybe even a short youtube video where I recite dialogue from your favorite movie! Yup, I'd make an ass out of myself.

Dear mystery benefactor, I look forward to making you something special. If your donation has already been made, your gift is on the way!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Where Do I Go?

Post-diagnosis, i hadn't had much trouble with my MS. Nothing crazy had happened. I'd had three episodes over the course of something like 5 or 6 years. Then I found a job and started working again. Being back in that world I started realizing that a lot of stuff I had no trouble with was now a total struggle. Also, since staring the whole employment thing this year, I have actually had TWO incidents of my MS acting all crazy, when before symptoms hadn't popped up so close to each other. This obviously raises a flag to me that this job is actually screwing with my system pretty hardcore. First there was the screwed up vision, then there was the point where I could barely walk. Do I really need to see what happens next?

Thing is, even with the little hours I work, it seems to take it's toll on me. Yesterday I worked four hours and I can still feel it today. I'm not even making enough money to cover my medical insurance anymore. I really don't see things getting any better. Or any easier. I have enough trouble just getting stuff around the house done. It's freaking me out and I really don't know what to do anymore.

Someone suggested trying to get some government assistance. Social Security or whatever. I tried and was denied. Of course, all I hear is to keep trying but everything I read when I research is just how hopeless all of that is. Any success seems to be from people with lawyers or social workers or people out there who actually seem to give a damn. I don't know, I just seem to have lost all will to even try something like this. All my energy these days is spent trying to fight depression, find a job that I probably can't handle or aren't qualified to get, and keep myself from just jumping off the face of the Earth.

Honestly, I write this entry just to say all this out loud to someone other than the people I confide in. Maybe then some of the weight will be taken off their shoulders. But also, there's a tiny piece of me that still has hope and that piece of me thinks there is a small chance that someone a lot smarter than me will read this and have a great idea. A great idea that could help me along. Or might actually be that person who actually could help me. Or maybe they are a unicorn. That'd be kick-ass.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Home Life

How do you tell the people you love that you just don't want to see them anymore? That you would like miles and miles of distance between you and them and maybe would like to go for months on end without having to hear their voices. That the things they do, being themselves, is just too much for you and you'd rather they were replaced by robots or sedated bears. How do you go about doing something like that?

Now it's not that I don't appreciate them. Also, don't think that I have stopped loving them. Still, I'm done. I'm out. Like realizing an episode of Two & A Half Men is starting on the television, I just wanna get the eff out and do a lot of avoiding for quite a while (for fear of a possible T&AHM marathon of awfulness). Thing is, there is really no good way to tell people that they remind you of the threat of having to watch a Charlie Sheen/Jon Cryer sitcom.

Also my problem is that I've got nowhere else to go. They're doing ME a favor by having me around. That's what family is for, right? Ugh! Just make me feel more guilty why don't you? It makes the situation worse realizing that I am the one who is the person who can't be avoided. I am the one who can't find a job and get the hell out. Now, it's not like I am not trying. I'm doing my best to work around all my lame medical issues to try and do something... ANYTHING.

Thing is, I haven't figured out how that all works. It's not like there's a map or something either. No manual. I'm feeling around in the dark and all that happens is I run my shin into the coffee table or I trip over rugs or something. Lots of injuries, setbacks and frustrations. I can't find my way in the dark, it's... it's too dark! Unreasonable scream! You know, excuse me if I am tired of my loved ones, sick of having them around while I fumble around like a moron.

So how do I tell them all that they are annoying the crap out of me by merely being themselves and living in my general vicinity? Well, my current method really isn't working. How are they supposed to know when I keep it all to myself and only talk about it in a blog that I'm pretty sure they don't know about? Maybe someone else has a better idea. Or maybe I can just murder them all... Meh. Too much effort and I don't have the energy. Thanks MS, you won't even give me the energy for some serious murdering.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Note to No One

The future is here, the future is now, the future is... frightening as all hell. Honestly, that is all that has been on my mind these days, my future. I'm talking about my future in concern with health stuff, monetary stuff, work stuff, living-situation stuff, relationships with people stuff. So, yea, pretty much the whole damn thing. And do you know what is the BEST conclusion I have been able to come up with? That I am scared as all hell.

I think mostly it all comes down to me feeling completely derailed. Things that may have been an option before no longer are and stuff that felt so simple to do just a little while ago are just so much more difficult. Just think about the idea that I get tired and fatigued just by standing for longish periods. Standing! That is stupid. My hands don't feel normal anymore? My hands?! Verdict: Stupid. The fact that since I have been working my crap job for the past year I have had TWO weirdo flare-ups of my MS probably due to working and stress. Yup, you guessed it - Stupid. So many easy things now are a challenge to me and all I can ask myself is, what the hell happened?

Whatever, forget about all the wrong turns or weird karma crap that caused me to get to this point, turned me down this path where a stupid disease gets in the way of me living a normal life. I don't give a crap anymore. What I do care about is figuring out a way to fix it. Get on track. Find out a way to get to a point where I can actually pay for all my medical expenses, pay for a place to live and all those things, and maintain a sense of self-worth that has basically been lost over these last few months/years/etc. It's enough already. I'm tired of feeling hopeless.

Question is, how to I fix it? What do I do? It's no longer the idea of getting back on track so much as finding a completely new track, a new path to go down that I can handle. Thing is, I'm really drawing a blank on this one. No clue. These days, not a whole lot makes sense to me anymore and everything is just overwhelming. Funny, the only thing that really makes sense to me anymore is the weird MS junk I have to go through. The stuff is bonkers, MS has no real answers or solutions, but I at least know I have it and there is nothing I can do about it. Everything else? All that life, home, employment, money and people stuff? Those are the things where I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm not above accepting help, I'm not above anything anymore really. It's just, if I could settle in to something that works and live life like a normal person, that'd be great...

Alright, I know, it's not that easy for anyone. Especially these days. Know what though? I don't care. I don't give crap about everyone else. It may sound selfish, but really all I care about right now is stuff getting better for me and those close to me. Maybe once I get myself taken care of I can work on helping out others, but for now I really need to work on my situation because it's been too damn long and all of it is really starting to take its toll on me and those around me. So I say to the universe, to the powers that be out there floating around, to the fates that decide where I go next, and I guess to anyone who wants to listen: Look, I could really use a hand. I'm stuck in this hole, I'm lost and I dropped my map somewhere along the way. If you could maybe help me out, I'm trying to find my way back towards civilization.