Thursday, September 2, 2010

Where Do I Go?

Post-diagnosis, i hadn't had much trouble with my MS. Nothing crazy had happened. I'd had three episodes over the course of something like 5 or 6 years. Then I found a job and started working again. Being back in that world I started realizing that a lot of stuff I had no trouble with was now a total struggle. Also, since staring the whole employment thing this year, I have actually had TWO incidents of my MS acting all crazy, when before symptoms hadn't popped up so close to each other. This obviously raises a flag to me that this job is actually screwing with my system pretty hardcore. First there was the screwed up vision, then there was the point where I could barely walk. Do I really need to see what happens next?

Thing is, even with the little hours I work, it seems to take it's toll on me. Yesterday I worked four hours and I can still feel it today. I'm not even making enough money to cover my medical insurance anymore. I really don't see things getting any better. Or any easier. I have enough trouble just getting stuff around the house done. It's freaking me out and I really don't know what to do anymore.

Someone suggested trying to get some government assistance. Social Security or whatever. I tried and was denied. Of course, all I hear is to keep trying but everything I read when I research is just how hopeless all of that is. Any success seems to be from people with lawyers or social workers or people out there who actually seem to give a damn. I don't know, I just seem to have lost all will to even try something like this. All my energy these days is spent trying to fight depression, find a job that I probably can't handle or aren't qualified to get, and keep myself from just jumping off the face of the Earth.

Honestly, I write this entry just to say all this out loud to someone other than the people I confide in. Maybe then some of the weight will be taken off their shoulders. But also, there's a tiny piece of me that still has hope and that piece of me thinks there is a small chance that someone a lot smarter than me will read this and have a great idea. A great idea that could help me along. Or might actually be that person who actually could help me. Or maybe they are a unicorn. That'd be kick-ass.

1 comment:

  1. Hi there,

    I didn't realize that you have a blog. Here's a belated welcome to the MS blogosphere. I follow you on twitter. Just wanted to say "hi."