Tuesday, December 22, 2009


My Favorite Songs To Sing In The Shower...

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Welcome to the Dark Corners of My Mind

My day today was uneventful, but interesting indeed. Not for me, but I am sure for those within my reach. I think I let my emotions get the best of me and my depressive side really stepped up and took over. It made for a pretty embarrassing day.

I decided to say things I probably never should have, and expressed stuff... stuff I knew was probably a mistake in the first place. I decided to just let a certain part of me take control and make decisions for my own interests, without consideration for anyone else. I mean, that is what I still want to do anyway if I'm gonna be honest. I would continue down that path if I could, but I think I hold the feelings of some people over my own. And here I thought I was a selfish individual. I guess this time, not so much. Evolution!

Oh well, these blah days happen. It's normal or something. I'd just rather they didn't happen as much. They happen to me lots these days. Oh well, just got to roll with the punches, let it pass, and whatever happens, it happens. It's just part of my life. If you wanna be in it you gotta expect it to happen. Except, I'd just rather not run people off. I have a very small number of true friends as it is.

Ugh. That reminds me of anther thing that bugs me. It's like, okay Damon, you have had enough trouble as it is with the whole social thing. Never been a winner on that front. Guess what, now it's gonna be harder! Seriously?!? So now I gotta throw in some unpredictable crazy moods, an uncooperative body (that I mean, come on, was never gonna win any awards anyway), and all this other crazy shit? Yea, I'm a freakin' catch. You know, if someone ever decides to put up with me on a permanent basis, I am pretty sure they are certifiably insane. Good thing I like insane.

Well, enough rambling for now. Tune in next time when the topic of discussion will be - "Mayonnaise: Condiment or Super-Gross Devil Concoction"

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Secrets & Lies

Um, okay, so I never go into situations with a plan. It just doesn't happen. If I start to think about how I should enter into a situation, or how I should handle certain stuff, I just end up thinking TOO hard on the matter at hand. Overthinking at it's finest.

How does it look from this angle? From that angle? What are all the possible outcomes? How can I make it so that all the negative results are canceled out and only the good stuff remains? Determine all the possible moves and their end results and figure out what is best... You know, I'm beginning to think that my childhood has screwed me over.

What do I mean by that? Well, okay, so here's an example - Choose Your Own Adventure books. Yes, those books were AWESOME! I mean you start reading a story and at some point you're presented with options as to what sort of action to take. It continues on like that. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. Sometimes you cheat and turn back the pages to that crucial fork in the road. The point is, with these books, you start to really focus on decision-making and the numerous pitfalls that can result from making the wrong move. Seriously! Sometimes you would actually fall DOWN A PIT!

All I know is that it's exactly what I tend to do with all of life's decisions. I think about all these things. I analyze and pick and prod until I get fed up and tell myself to forget the whole thing. Either that or I come to a conclusion, but by then the opportunity has passed. No matter what, I end up screwing myself out of experiences because I don't wanna fall down a pit and admit I made a stupid mistake.

So what I have been trying to do is just ignore my natural tendencies and try and be a bit more impulsive. A bit more brazen. A bit more adventurous. Of course I'm not gonna be wild and crazy, that's just not me. I am low key. Still, I am gonna do a few things that I probably wouldn't do otherwise. If I end up doing something stupid, so be it. At least I did it. Plus, I am confident that I am at least smart enough to make certain decisions that will keep me from ending up completely screwed.

I might end up pissing some people off though. If one of them is you, well, sorry!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Don't Say You'll Never Be Angry With Me, Just Say You'll Forgive Me

Got an appointment with my Neurologist in a few hours. First thing in the morning. I've actually been looking forward to it for a few days. Not exactly sure why I should look forward to such things. I could remember a time when the idea of going to see a doctor was nightmarish. I avoided doctors like they were gonna chop off my hoo-hoo-dilly. Then again, back then it was for stupid stuff like a flu or something. Stuff I could handle on my own with some over the counter medication and a little patience. Walk it off! Now here I am in a totally different situation, so I guess it's not that surprising that my attitude is different as well.

So I am going just as a check-in sort of thing. Last time I was in I was getting my off-work order extended so I could get more temporary disability checks while I searched for work. While I was there we discussed how I was feeling (no different, nothing new except the additional bad feelings from the seasonal weather changes). Then she tells me to come back in December so we could check in again and go over some blood tests I would take right before. So I've taken my tests (easy-peasy), and now I'm ready to go. I don't expect anything, but that could be why I actually look forward to these things. To reaffirm that there isn't anything new that is wrong with me. No news is good news, am I right?

I'm also planning on bringing up some of the brain issues I feel like I've got going on. I feel like I have serious memory problems. Sometimes I seem to *think* I see things, but I'm wrong. At times I'll overlook things a bunch before I actually see them. I'll also bring up how at work I get zapped after about an hour and a half when all I've really been doing is sorting and putting away movies. Maybe it's the being on my feet thing, maybe it's the brain stuff, maybe it's the combo. Either way it's a hurdle and while I don't think she can really do anything about it, I feel like I should mention it.

One thing I am NOT looking forward to is when they do that whole check my blood pressure and my weight thing. Now my blood pressure has never really been a problem, so I am not worried about that, but my weight isn't gonna be good. Nope. Not at all. By my estimates over this past year I've gained over 20 pounds. Ugh. I know, it's all pretty much my own fault, but we all know it's not that easy to take care of. Every time I get that spirit to exercise it lasts only so long and then my body just quits. The soreness sticks around longer and longer each time and the spirit to work out disappears. So, this weigh-in will just be another reminder of my downhill slide towards uggghs-ville. All I know is, while I'm aware I gotta work alot harder at doing better with all this stuff, I can only PRAY that someone will be able to look past my exterior mess and appreciate the Damon inside.

Well, I'm sure if anything actually interesting comes up at the appointment then I'll write it down here in my own weird sort of way. Otherwise, just assume that everything is as normal as it's gonna be for me, nothings changed, and that scale I was frowning at wasn't kind to me.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

A Foggy Day (In London Town)

So I feel like maybe if I write a blog entry, I might be able to gather all my loose thoughts that are floating around in this really thick fog of "guh?" that's up in my head right now. So, just ride the ride, it's not really cohesive but maybe if I add pictures it'll be interesting.

So while having a chat, I came to the conclusion that I need to not worry about certain things anymore. Like work. You know, if I get canned then I get canned. Oh well. I mean, I might be screwed, but if I am then it was bound to happen eventually. That may sound a bit defeatist but I swear that's not what it's meant to be. What I'm saying is I am going to do what I can, and that's all I can ask of myself. If that's not good enough for them then I really shouldn't be there. Same goes for people too. If they don't like me for all the cool stuff I do AS WELL as the awful, stupid, foot-in-mouth type stuff then it's just not meant to be or whatever. Either way, I am gonna go at it with a more hopeful attitude and I'm gonna tell you right now I'm really hopeful about a few things and a few people.


So I started to write a children's book. Who knows if it's any good, but I think if I actually worked on it, it could be a nice little thing. Even if it gets finished, who knows if anything could be made of it. Think about this though, there are two people out there wearing shirts that have two different designs on them that I made. I made those designs. ME. And they're on a shirt. So why can't I write a children's book and have someone somewhere read this to their kid?


I think I've found my new favorite outing. A couple that I am friends with are kind enough to open their apartment door and let me in and we entertain each other with TV, food, and fun (through various board/card games). Yes you guys, it really is that easy. I could be having the most crappy of weeks, but being able to get out and do something simple and get some lots-of-laughs really brings up my spirits. If you're reading, you guys deserve a T.A.B.!

Thanks A Bunch!

The Internet is a weird place. I mean, I've never been so "socially networked" like I am now. Some of you I've never met, but we can say things to each other, have an inside joke or something, and we might even have conversations that end up putting a smile on my face. These talks could even end up surprising me and actually have a major impact on my life and it's future. You never know. People are surprising. I may even surprise you darlings out there.

I'm talking to you!

I really need to work on living a better, healthier, more aware of my MS type life. I go around basically ignoring good-sense until symptoms slap me in the face like a pimp looking for his money. I should learn some skills or something. Maybe that'll be my New Year's Resolution.


I try and be completely honest with people. Sometimes I say too much.

Shut Your Mouth! (Shaft!)

Okay, well, this took me quite a while to write and rewrite and clean up all the typos and things that made no sense (stupid brain!). Did it help clear the fog? A little. I think it made some space and got me to focus on one thing at a time instead of everything all at once. Now if I can find my missing ticket I'm looking for, that'd be great. Later haters!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


I've been whining, haven't I? That's what a blog is for anyways. Yep. Still, I'm gonna admit it and and make a promise to you fine folks. You guys, I'm gonna stop complaining (lies) and I'm gonna be totally entertaining (optimism at best) and I'm gonna be positive (maybe, we'll see...). Totally!

Anyway. Let me discuss some of the good stuff that's been going on. For onesies, I've been having fun talking to people and not being all solitary confinement. That's been nice. I love you people. Some more than others obviously! A big thanks to you guys for keeping me company and making my days a bit more enjoyable.

For twosies, today I went submitted an application for enrollment for some Living Well With MS program that will start sometime in the new year. Their last session got canceled for under-enrollment (I found out too late to enroll, so I guess that was partially my fault. Sorry!). So maybe I will actually learn a thing or two and start to do things better or something. You know, be good about stuff. Optimism!

Threesies! I've decided to be daring. Yea, daring. Okay, so it may not actually happen, at least not all at once. All I know is, if I see an opportunity pop up and I start to hesitate, I'm gonna try and be all gung-ho and just go for it! Look, that's not really my nature, so it's not gonna be easy, but I'm gonna give it a shot. Who knows what'll happen, but if something cool does happen, you'll be the first to know!

Okay, well, there's my latest update. I know, totally exciting right? You almost peed your pants! Next time brace yourself... and maybe take a pass on that 7-11 Super Big Gulp.

Tee Two: Judgement Day

Someone bought the other T-shirt I designed. They didn't wanna send in a picture of themselves wearing it, but sent in a picture of the shirt anyway. Here it is:

Monday, November 30, 2009

Everybody's Workin For The Weekend

Here are 2 reasons why I have so much trouble at work...

1. I get tired... quick. I don't pace myself right off the bat and then I get pooped and start pacing myself. Then they look at me like I'm being lazy (since they don't know about the MonSter). I freak out a little over it and that just makes me more tired. Keyword: Tired.

2. My brain...just...doesn't...work. It doesn't. I'll see something over and over and yet forget it almost instantly. I get baffled trying to find something and will look over and over in the same spot and see absolutely nothing. Then I will look in the same spot again and see it. Oh, and when someone says something to me or explains stuff, I just go blank. Blank. When people talk to me and try to explain things to me, this is what they see:

Yes. That is me. If you're ever wondering what I look like classmates, that is essentially what I look like.

So in summation, I suck at my job and I need to either figure something out or get better quick, because they are starting to show signs of dissatisfaction. I have a feeling that soon enough this is gonna be one of those their way or the highway situations, and I'll be the one walking down the road.

Casette 1. Side A. "People Are Strange"

The following is taken from my first entry into "The Outraged Person's Guide To Surviving MS", a project started by Lori K. of the blog 12 December 2008

We're all different, aren't we classmates? And what happens to you or me or he or she or anyone who deals with Multiple Sclerosis is gonna have a different perspective when it comes to all this stuff. You hear that almost the instant you discover MS.

It's like the first sentence in the handbook. Everyone's MS symptoms and effects are different. You read that and go, "Gee, thanks, that doesn't help me whatsoever when I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with me". The bizarre things that happen to our bodies without explanation are maddening. Not like life-stuff isn't frustrating enough already. Life for people with MS is serious toughness. Especially for the undiagnosed.

I was undiagnosed for years. I was told the tingling and the numbness were my fault. I was told: You're out of shape, that's the reason. You're stressed, that's the reason. You're... (*doctor shrugs*) sick? MS and it's undefinedness, combined with doctors who run the system like a business instead of like actual healthcare, can drive a person insane. Later when you're diagnosed they will tell you that stress will worsen your condition. So maybe a lawsuit is in order for all those years of misery.

Anyway, back on point, we're all different. Duh. But there is something you can't blame on MS and the symptom grab-bag, and that is awful people. Lori touched on it, but I want to rant a bit more. There's a community out there (and it's pretty damn big) that believe saying your prayers and eating your vitamins are gonna solve the big problems. Throw in "the power of positivity" and you got yourself a recipe for eww.

Chat rooms of MS'ers are out there full of people who pray for each other and discuss the next wacky theory that might solve this bizarre disease. Websites are up that tell you that Multiple Sclerosis is merely a hiccup in a life and you can live easy-peasy as everyone else if you just stay positive. Then there are the people who are more concerned about the politics of MS rather than their own health. All of these people form the majority because they are loud, pushy, and rally like crazy. Meanwhile those of us who are realistic and NORMAL just go about our business and chat with our friends and avoid our families (don't lie, you know you do).

Because of normalcy, our web-presence is obviously lacking. The internet is basically weirdos, funny cat pictures and pornography. Finding real people like us is tough. Yes, I just called myself real. Real weird! (These are the jokes people, start laughing) But it's like I've said when talking to my MS buddies whenever the new big MS thing hits the web - These people are so unreal. All the "living with MS is easy" crap is warping the minds of people without MS. It's also harming new MS'ers.

Poor newbies. They're shamed into thinking that they are damaged if they aren't positive and active. Shamed because they aren't smiling while their body does whatever it wants without reason. Shamed into believing they aren't normal. Instead, people need to be able to read about how people handle life, good or bad. No discussions, no debates, just lay it all out and let people decide for themselves how to live their own lives.

No one is perfect, no one is normal. We're all freaks. MS or not. People need to get that through their thick skulls and maybe be a whole lot less uptight. How about we let people live their lives without shoving agenda down their throats, without pressuring with positivity, without forcing Jesus or whoever on them. Calm down, be a little less rah-rah-rah, and be a little more cool. Remember cool? Fonzie was cool. Be more Fonzie.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

I Would Walk 500 Miles

Life is complicated, am I right classmates? Teachers always be telling you to quiet down and do your work... Whatevs, old person! Us boys just wanna act aggressively and them girls just wanna have fun. Pokemon! Lisa Frank stickers!

Back on point. Life is complicated. Especially when it comes to the whole human interaction and relating thing. No? For me it is. I never know exactly what I'm doing when it comes to these matters. I think I operate on a different wavelength than normal people do because I don't really do things that people usually do. I don't understand things people seem to understand. I can't read signals and signs and all that and I'm oblivious to all those things. I'm better at other stuff, I swear. I just need a little help when it comes to these things, because history has shown that I don't seem to handle them very well all by myself.

When I get into that spot where I can feel relaxed enough to be myself and humorous and all that mess, I can do fairly well for myself. The problem is, I don't seem to stay in that spot for very long. I'll get tripped up on something, stick my foot in my mouth or fall into a misunderstanding-pit or whatever and next thing I know I'm back to not knowing how to handle myself or what to say. Most times I'll panic and say something even more stupid. If I'm lucky I'll just shut up, but I've never been good at being quiet. Even when I was a kid, I'd get in trouble just for talking. Talking! Oh, it's such a crime...

So over time I think maybe I'll learn from my mistakes and get better. The only thing is, I really haven't gotten any better. I'm still the same awkward weirdo that I've always been. I guess the key is to find people who appreciate awkward weirdos, and understand that I operate differently than most people do. Maybe. Then again, maybe not. Just gonna have to wait and find out.

Monday, November 23, 2009

I'm A Pair Of Shoes

Seriously. I've started to identify with my own shoes. Have I gone wacko or what? Here are my shoes...

(You can thank my crappy phone for the terrible quality)

So there are my shoes. People have told me they look ugly. Now they are coming apart a little. They probably need to be replaced. For all of these statements, I could say the same about myself. Does no one like these shoes but me?

Everyone needs a pair of shoes. No one wants these.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Little Updates Made Of Ticky-Tacky

What has been going on with me lately? Well, I am slowly easing myself back into working a crappy job. Thankfully they aren't pushing me to do alot more just yet (they don't know about the MonSter, shh!), and well, I'm just glad to get a few hours here and there. Honestly, I'd leave the job in a second if I found something else a little better, but you take what you can get, right?

Anyway, what else is going on? Well, not a ton. I was benched from doing my theater surveys, so no more free movies for a while. Bummer. I've had some really good chats lately that have definitely made my days, which is nice. I'm not exactly sure what to do about some situations, but I am gonna just enjoy what I can and basically gloss over stuff I don't have answers to. I got to spend a nice evening in with some friends, an awesome couple who are just geeky enough so I don't feel like I'm the big dork in the room. Oh, also the first person to buy one of the t-shirts I designed got a hold of me and sent me a photo of her wearing it!

So there we go. That was some serious update action right up in your face. Hope you enjoyed it.

Friday, November 20, 2009

The Best Things Seem Out Of Reach

Sometimes I wonder if I could just pick up and move. I don't have much saved (2k, although another 5k is owed to me but that's a different story altogether), and I don't have a vehicle, or much in the way of skills and talent... but I mean, it could be done right? Right?

See, it's the uncertainty. That's why I don't do it. I cannot handle uncertainty. If there are too many questions to be answered, and not enough structure for me to settle in to, I basically freak out. Not like an external freak out where I end up doing destructive things to others. More like an internal freak out where I end up shutting down and cutting myself off from just about everything. It's the stress that does it.

Maybe if I knew what situation I was getting into. In my other moves, I was going to school, or moving in with other people. There were friends and people who I knew would be there if I needed someone. Foundation, no matter how shaky, is still something I can work with. There's nothing out there, outside of California, that I can think of. Where is the backup?

Or is that the point? I could just do it and deal with all the problems as they arise. Finding a place. Finding a job. Making sure I am on top of my medical bills and the rest of those awful monetary pitfalls. Just give it my best shot and win, lose, or draw I could say I did it.

I really have no clue. I think that's actually my motto or the title of my self-help book or something - "I Have No Clue (and you can do it too!)" by Damon. Seriously though, do you have any suggestions? Opinions? Do you wanna yell at me because I am being so stupid? Probably the latter, but either way I wouldn't mind hearing what you have to say... (Uh oh, did I just open Pandora's Box of Awful?)

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Professor Don Weiner

They Never Taught Us That In School

Am I really that bad? I have been asking myself that almost every day. I read the stories, the accounts of people and their struggles with the MonSter and it just confuses me further. It seems to me that some people have it pretty darn bad, and I am actually doing good. So why is it that when I am in situations where I shouldn't have a problem, I totally suck? I hate it, but I keep coming back to the conclusion that it isn't my MS that is causing all the trouble. It's me! It has to be. I just am not good at this whole living life like a normal human being thing.

I think this whole work thing just has me all in a twist. I have a job that pretty much anyone can do, and yet all I do is worry that I'm gonna screw up or not be able to handle it. I worry about my brain and how my mind just seems to go blank and stay blank. I worry about how tired I get after being there for only an hour or two. I worry about not being able to keep up and do everything that is expected of me. I look at coworkers and I wonder why these silly people can do things with ease while I'm slow to learn things and complete the little tasks I'm given.

Of course, all that thinking and worrying is just making it worse. What little brainpower I have left these days is quickly used up and wasted on these crazy concerns. When I actually need my mind to work, it just doesn't. Then I get that blank look on my face, my mouth hanging open slightly and my eyes glazed over... These people at work are gonna start to think I am on drugs or something.

So what do I do? Well, I've tried looking over all the information about disability and SSI and all that crap and after maybe reading a paragraph, my mind just shuts down and I can't concentrate or take in any more. I've tried to read this stuff like a bajillion times but I can't get any information. I might as well be reading some random book in a foreign language, because I am not getting a word of it. None of it makes a lick of sense to me. If I can't even read the stuff, how am I supposed to figure out if I qualify?

I asked my neurologist a while back about the whole disability thing while I was in the process of getting my diagnosis. She told me I'd essentially have to be blind or in a wheelchair to get anything to happen. That's... Ugh. Did MS really have to be practically invisible? As for the people who determine if I qualify or not, aren't the MRIs showing crazy spots and stuff in my brain and spine enough? The fact that I have to live with this for the rest of my life, is that not something serious? A pox on your houses!

I'd ask for help, but I have no clue who to ask. Plus, I get the sense that I'd be fighting a losing battle. So after all this, all I end up doing is telling myself to forget about it and focus on getting over my struggles with work. It would really be a huge help, and I would love to leave home once again, but at this point it all seems... It's just not gonna happen. What's the word I'm looking for?... Dismal.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

One Big Holiday

It's just another one of those days. "Those days" where nothing specific happens but I can actually feel myself falling downward. Down the drain and into that dark space where all I can see is the bad stuff. I don't expect anyone to feel bad for me or anything, it's not like something particular happened today. This stuff seems to happen all the time now. I understand that there are factors in AND out of my control that contribute to this sucky feeling, I just wish it wasn't happening. Period.

Each time this happens, I seem to find some other piece of my life I am dissatisfied with to focus on. This time it is the whole job thing. I'm pissed with myself for being less than grateful that I've found a job. I'm angry that I didn't do enough early on so I could get a job I would be happy with. I'm upset that I can't figure out some way to make a living so I can be more independent and leave home once again. I'm bothered by the way I don't feel like I fit in, no matter where I am. Oh, and I'm beyond angry that I get tired so goddamned fast and it hurts to walk, stand, or even bend down to sit.

Now it's not like I expect all or even one or two of these things to change. It's more probable they will never change. That's my experience anyway. The only thing I can even imagine happening is some sort of crazy miracle, where in the end I end up happy and everything works out perfect without me even trying. Do you know why that would happen? It would happen because it would just be another moment of the universe screwing with me. Messing with my mind and proving once more that I know nothing at all.

So what conclusions have I come to today? Well, I need to get used to sudden moments of depression. I should also find a partner and we should go out on the road as grifters, conning people out of their savings so that I can one day live comfortably. Then I won't have to think so hard about the stuff I have been worrying about today. Instead I'll just have to worry about things like being arrested or being double-crossed or something like that. I would much rather worry about that crazy stuff anyway. Better to deal with insanity than the mundane.

Oh, and if I could find someone to keep me company, that'd be great too. Actually, that would be pretty huge.