Home Life

How do you tell the people you love that you just don't want to see them anymore? That you would like miles and miles of distance between you and them and maybe would like to go for months on end without having to hear their voices. That the things they do, being themselves, is just too much for you and you'd rather they were replaced by robots or sedated bears. How do you go about doing something like that?

Now it's not that I don't appreciate them. Also, don't think that I have stopped loving them. Still, I'm done. I'm out. Like realizing an episode of Two & A Half Men is starting on the television, I just wanna get the eff out and do a lot of avoiding for quite a while (for fear of a possible T&AHM marathon of awfulness). Thing is, there is really no good way to tell people that they remind you of the threat of having to watch a Charlie Sheen/Jon Cryer sitcom.

Also my problem is that I've got nowhere else to go. They're doing ME a favor by having me around. That's what family is for, right? Ugh! Just make me feel more guilty why don't you? It makes the situation worse realizing that I am the one who is the person who can't be avoided. I am the one who can't find a job and get the hell out. Now, it's not like I am not trying. I'm doing my best to work around all my lame medical issues to try and do something... ANYTHING.

Thing is, I haven't figured out how that all works. It's not like there's a map or something either. No manual. I'm feeling around in the dark and all that happens is I run my shin into the coffee table or I trip over rugs or something. Lots of injuries, setbacks and frustrations. I can't find my way in the dark, it's... it's too dark! Unreasonable scream! You know, excuse me if I am tired of my loved ones, sick of having them around while I fumble around like a moron.

So how do I tell them all that they are annoying the crap out of me by merely being themselves and living in my general vicinity? Well, my current method really isn't working. How are they supposed to know when I keep it all to myself and only talk about it in a blog that I'm pretty sure they don't know about? Maybe someone else has a better idea. Or maybe I can just murder them all... Meh. Too much effort and I don't have the energy. Thanks MS, you won't even give me the energy for some serious murdering.

Note to No One

The future is here, the future is now, the future is... frightening as all hell. Honestly, that is all that has been on my mind these days, my future. I'm talking about my future in concern with health stuff, monetary stuff, work stuff, living-situation stuff, relationships with people stuff. So, yea, pretty much the whole damn thing. And do you know what is the BEST conclusion I have been able to come up with? That I am scared as all hell.

I think mostly it all comes down to me feeling completely derailed. Things that may have been an option before no longer are and stuff that felt so simple to do just a little while ago are just so much more difficult. Just think about the idea that I get tired and fatigued just by standing for longish periods. Standing! That is stupid. My hands don't feel normal anymore? My hands?! Verdict: Stupid. The fact that since I have been working my crap job for the past year I have had TWO weirdo flare-ups of my MS probably due to working and stress. Yup, you guessed it - Stupid. So many easy things now are a challenge to me and all I can ask myself is, what the hell happened?

Whatever, forget about all the wrong turns or weird karma crap that caused me to get to this point, turned me down this path where a stupid disease gets in the way of me living a normal life. I don't give a crap anymore. What I do care about is figuring out a way to fix it. Get on track. Find out a way to get to a point where I can actually pay for all my medical expenses, pay for a place to live and all those things, and maintain a sense of self-worth that has basically been lost over these last few months/years/etc. It's enough already. I'm tired of feeling hopeless.

Question is, how to I fix it? What do I do? It's no longer the idea of getting back on track so much as finding a completely new track, a new path to go down that I can handle. Thing is, I'm really drawing a blank on this one. No clue. These days, not a whole lot makes sense to me anymore and everything is just overwhelming. Funny, the only thing that really makes sense to me anymore is the weird MS junk I have to go through. The stuff is bonkers, MS has no real answers or solutions, but I at least know I have it and there is nothing I can do about it. Everything else? All that life, home, employment, money and people stuff? Those are the things where I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm not above accepting help, I'm not above anything anymore really. It's just, if I could settle in to something that works and live life like a normal person, that'd be great...

Alright, I know, it's not that easy for anyone. Especially these days. Know what though? I don't care. I don't give crap about everyone else. It may sound selfish, but really all I care about right now is stuff getting better for me and those close to me. Maybe once I get myself taken care of I can work on helping out others, but for now I really need to work on my situation because it's been too damn long and all of it is really starting to take its toll on me and those around me. So I say to the universe, to the powers that be out there floating around, to the fates that decide where I go next, and I guess to anyone who wants to listen: Look, I could really use a hand. I'm stuck in this hole, I'm lost and I dropped my map somewhere along the way. If you could maybe help me out, I'm trying to find my way back towards civilization.

Request

I have one request... How about I get some effing work, huh? Screw this bullcrap I have right now. Someone just give me an actual job already, would ya?

Public Opinion

I've always been pretty crap in social situations. Everyone who knows me, knows that to be true. It takes more than just a first meeting to see the person I am and it takes A LOT more to see the person that I can be. The only thing is, it takes more than one or two contrived social interactions to get to that point.

I won't say I don't care completely what other peoples opinions are of me. Whether it's trying to make new friends, maintain the ones I have, or make a good impression for other reasons, people and their opinion of me can matter. At this point though, I can't be bothered to worry about such things. I've got enough on my mind to care what anyone thinks of me.

Of course I'm not gonna be dead about it, and just not care. The mean stuff is still gonna hurt a bit. Right now though, I've got it all narrowed down. I hold some people and their opinions way above everyone else, and in doing so, I'm able to care a lot less what others think. As long as I have those people who see me for who I am, love me and care about me, I could really give a damn about anyone else or what they think.

Now it might be selfish or self-centered to also push other people and their feelings aside in the process. All just to maintain my own sense of happiness and stability and reach that place where I can maintain a truly happy life. Thing is, life is way too short and way too unpredictable to worry about every single person and how they feel and what they will think. I have to look out for MY-self and for those that I love above all else. If I can do that, I'll definitely be able to be proud of myself.

Casette 1. Side A. "People Are Strange"

The following is taken from my first entry into "The Outraged Person's Guide To Surviving MS", a project started by Lori K. of the blog 12 December 2008

We're all different, aren't we classmates? And what happens to you or me or he or she or anyone who deals with Multiple Sclerosis is gonna have a different perspective when it comes to all this stuff. You hear that almost the instant you discover MS.

It's like the first sentence in the handbook. Everyone's MS symptoms and effects are different. You read that and go, "Gee, thanks, that doesn't help me whatsoever when I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with me". The bizarre things that happen to our bodies without explanation are maddening. Not like life-stuff isn't frustrating enough already. Life for people with MS is serious toughness. Especially for the undiagnosed.

I was undiagnosed for years. I was told the tingling and the numbness were my fault. I was told: You're out of shape, that's the reason. You're stressed, that's the reason. You're... (*doctor shrugs*) sick? MS and it's undefinedness, combined with doctors who run the system like a business instead of like actual healthcare, can drive a person insane. Later when you're diagnosed they will tell you that stress will worsen your condition. So maybe a lawsuit is in order for all those years of misery.

Anyway, back on point, we're all different. Duh. But there is something you can't blame on MS and the symptom grab-bag, and that is awful people. Lori touched on it, but I want to rant a bit more. There's a community out there (and it's pretty damn big) that believe saying your prayers and eating your vitamins are gonna solve the big problems. Throw in "the power of positivity" and you got yourself a recipe for eww.

Chat rooms of MS'ers are out there full of people who pray for each other and discuss the next wacky theory that might solve this bizarre disease. Websites are up that tell you that Multiple Sclerosis is merely a hiccup in a life and you can live easy-peasy as everyone else if you just stay positive. Then there are the people who are more concerned about the politics of MS rather than their own health. All of these people form the majority because they are loud, pushy, and rally like crazy. Meanwhile those of us who are realistic and NORMAL just go about our business and chat with our friends and avoid our families (don't lie, you know you do).

Because of normalcy, our web-presence is obviously lacking. The internet is basically weirdos, funny cat pictures and pornography. Finding real people like us is tough. Yes, I just called myself real. Real weird! (These are the jokes people, start laughing) But it's like I've said when talking to my MS buddies whenever the new big MS thing hits the web - These people are so unreal. All the "living with MS is easy" crap is warping the minds of people without MS. It's also harming new MS'ers.

Poor newbies. They're shamed into thinking that they are damaged if they aren't positive and active. Shamed because they aren't smiling while their body does whatever it wants without reason. Shamed into believing they aren't normal. Instead, people need to be able to read about how people handle life, good or bad. No discussions, no debates, just lay it all out and let people decide for themselves how to live their own lives.

No one is perfect, no one is normal. We're all freaks. MS or not. People need to get that through their thick skulls and maybe be a whole lot less uptight. How about we let people live their lives without shoving agenda down their throats, without pressuring with positivity, without forcing Jesus or whoever on them. Calm down, be a little less rah-rah-rah, and be a little more cool. Remember cool? Fonzie was cool. Be more Fonzie.

A Letter From The Desk Of Damon Davila

Dear credit card company rewards program,

I was only a handful of points away from earning a $100 Visa gift card and now you double the required amount of points? Really? Assholes! I mean come on now. Not fair. Not fair at all. I call shenanigans on this one.

Who am I kidding? This happens to me constantly. All the goddamned time. Why should I be surprised now? Well, despite that fact, I'd still appreciate it if you people at "Dreampoints" go fuck yourselves.

Thanks,
Damon

The Invention of Terrible

Do we expect too much from those in pop music? Not enough?

This is the question that we must ask ourselves. Well, actually I'm not sure about "us", I don't know what kind of music you listen to. I don't even listen to pop music. Well, in the sense that I don't listen to Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake, Usher or whatever. But lemme get back on point here. Are those "artists" being asked to do too much by the fans?

Before I start to sound too sympathetic to people I don't even actually care for, let me just start off by telling you what their problem really is. The problem is that pop music is no longer a medium for music. No, apparently people aren't too interested in music anymore. These days pop music is a forum for performers. Performers are very different from musicians. That is clearer now more than ever.

This fact is personified, at least in my mind, by the microphone headset. It is a bit more handy than the classic microphone, since now the person has two free hands instead of one. Where I find a problem is when it's only being used as a prop. There are people on stage who will wear these headsets and dance around pretending to sing. They "perform" for an audience who probably paid outrageous ticket prices and fees to have the privilege to watch such fakery.

So maybe we should just change the genre term completely. Instead of calling it pop music we could call it performance music. They perform music, maybe with their voice, MAYBE, but mostly they are performing for their audience, putting forth an image. But let's face facts people, there's a difference between being a musician and a performer. Sure you can be both, but don't let those fakers out there fool you.

Sure, we have chastised some for such activities, like Ashley Simpson or Milli Vanilli, but how are these people any different from other performers? The ones who dance around like crazy and do so with such intensity that they can't possibly sound their best, no matter how talented they are. So because the audiences today ask for such explosive, high energy, dancy & performy type shows, does that mean that it's okay to just skip the singing part altogether?

So what if their concerts were a bit less dancy, a little less performy, and instead they actually went up to the mic and gave it their all? I bet the crowd would be super pissed. Why? Well probably because they'd realize that the people they paid huge ticket prices to see actually aren't very good at all. Okay, so some of them might actually be good. Totally possible. I think it should happen though, it'd help get rid if some of the crap out there...

So to those pop music performers out there, the ones that are crap - You're lucky as all hell. Thank the heavens above that you're getting away with the stuff you do.

And to those who actually are talented, well, I would give you more credit, but those bad apples are spoiling your bunch. Maybe if you stopped dancing around like crazy though, I might be able to focus on your talent. Or just keep performing. Either way. I mean, I'm not Mr. Music Industry or professor of how to be awesome or whatever. I'm just saying, maybe there's a better way. Or at least a less awful, more happy medium.