Home Life

How do you tell the people you love that you just don't want to see them anymore? That you would like miles and miles of distance between you and them and maybe would like to go for months on end without having to hear their voices. That the things they do, being themselves, is just too much for you and you'd rather they were replaced by robots or sedated bears. How do you go about doing something like that?

Now it's not that I don't appreciate them. Also, don't think that I have stopped loving them. Still, I'm done. I'm out. Like realizing an episode of Two & A Half Men is starting on the television, I just wanna get the eff out and do a lot of avoiding for quite a while (for fear of a possible T&AHM marathon of awfulness). Thing is, there is really no good way to tell people that they remind you of the threat of having to watch a Charlie Sheen/Jon Cryer sitcom.

Also my problem is that I've got nowhere else to go. They're doing ME a favor by having me around. That's what family is for, right? Ugh! Just make me feel more guilty why don't you? It makes the situation worse realizing that I am the one who is the person who can't be avoided. I am the one who can't find a job and get the hell out. Now, it's not like I am not trying. I'm doing my best to work around all my lame medical issues to try and do something... ANYTHING.

Thing is, I haven't figured out how that all works. It's not like there's a map or something either. No manual. I'm feeling around in the dark and all that happens is I run my shin into the coffee table or I trip over rugs or something. Lots of injuries, setbacks and frustrations. I can't find my way in the dark, it's... it's too dark! Unreasonable scream! You know, excuse me if I am tired of my loved ones, sick of having them around while I fumble around like a moron.

So how do I tell them all that they are annoying the crap out of me by merely being themselves and living in my general vicinity? Well, my current method really isn't working. How are they supposed to know when I keep it all to myself and only talk about it in a blog that I'm pretty sure they don't know about? Maybe someone else has a better idea. Or maybe I can just murder them all... Meh. Too much effort and I don't have the energy. Thanks MS, you won't even give me the energy for some serious murdering.

They Never Taught Us That In School

Am I really that bad? I have been asking myself that almost every day. I read the stories, the accounts of people and their struggles with the MonSter and it just confuses me further. It seems to me that some people have it pretty darn bad, and I am actually doing good. So why is it that when I am in situations where I shouldn't have a problem, I totally suck? I hate it, but I keep coming back to the conclusion that it isn't my MS that is causing all the trouble. It's me! It has to be. I just am not good at this whole living life like a normal human being thing.

I think this whole work thing just has me all in a twist. I have a job that pretty much anyone can do, and yet all I do is worry that I'm gonna screw up or not be able to handle it. I worry about my brain and how my mind just seems to go blank and stay blank. I worry about how tired I get after being there for only an hour or two. I worry about not being able to keep up and do everything that is expected of me. I look at coworkers and I wonder why these silly people can do things with ease while I'm slow to learn things and complete the little tasks I'm given.

Of course, all that thinking and worrying is just making it worse. What little brainpower I have left these days is quickly used up and wasted on these crazy concerns. When I actually need my mind to work, it just doesn't. Then I get that blank look on my face, my mouth hanging open slightly and my eyes glazed over... These people at work are gonna start to think I am on drugs or something.

So what do I do? Well, I've tried looking over all the information about disability and SSI and all that crap and after maybe reading a paragraph, my mind just shuts down and I can't concentrate or take in any more. I've tried to read this stuff like a bajillion times but I can't get any information. I might as well be reading some random book in a foreign language, because I am not getting a word of it. None of it makes a lick of sense to me. If I can't even read the stuff, how am I supposed to figure out if I qualify?

I asked my neurologist a while back about the whole disability thing while I was in the process of getting my diagnosis. She told me I'd essentially have to be blind or in a wheelchair to get anything to happen. That's... Ugh. Did MS really have to be practically invisible? As for the people who determine if I qualify or not, aren't the MRIs showing crazy spots and stuff in my brain and spine enough? The fact that I have to live with this for the rest of my life, is that not something serious? A pox on your houses!

I'd ask for help, but I have no clue who to ask. Plus, I get the sense that I'd be fighting a losing battle. So after all this, all I end up doing is telling myself to forget about it and focus on getting over my struggles with work. It would really be a huge help, and I would love to leave home once again, but at this point it all seems... It's just not gonna happen. What's the word I'm looking for?... Dismal.

OUTATIME

Okay, I get it. So I can't over-do things or whatever. I heard everyone tell me that, but come on. That's just not fair. Let me do stuff! It's not like I am trying to do a marathon or something.

Let us go over my day for a bit. From my morning until I went in to fill out papers for the new job this afternoon at 1.

After dragging myself out of bed and getting up at 9 I went into the living room and hopped onto my laptop. I discovered some awesome deal at Target for some DVDs so I had some printing of coupons to do. My problem was that I couldn't connect to the network printer so I ended up spending two hours working out all the crazy details due to the host computer's switch to Windows 7 and my own wacky settings. Two hours. But it's computer stuff. Not very physical except the occasional walking back and forth between computers (7 feet apart). Not too bad.

I start to feel the time crunch, but not too bad. After I beat the printer problem I decided to oblige a request to put some music on my sister's iPhone along with a cool Freaks & Geeks ringtone. That's definitely not physical, but it gave me a hell of a time because I had to mess with some of the settings and it was just more pain-in-the-ass stuff I was dealing with. Of course I am also paying attention to the clock which is telling me now I only have an hour and a half until I have to leave.

Well, then I decide I can squeeze in some exercise. I am trying to be better at that stuff, and my plan is to try and cycle at least 10 miles every day on the exercise bike. That plus a shower and all that made it a tight squeeze for the time I had left, but I did it anyway. I actually did pretty well. I was a bit sore but less than I thought I would be. After the shower and getting ready I was actually feeling pretty good.

All the annoyances and work and exercise I had to tackle was conquered one at a time and I was ready to go. So off I went, feelin' good. Well off I go. I make a stop beforehand at a store nearby and when I finally got to the job to fill out papers, I'm standing in an air conditioned environment and I realize I am sweating like crazy. What the hell? And I feel like everything I did all day just hit me all at once like a ton of bricks. Thankfully I didn't really have to anything but fill out a form, nod, agree and smile. But for realsies... I was wiped out.

Yea, I know it's my fault. I didn't keep an eye on my energy meters and account for the fact that I lose energy faster than normal people. What can I say? I'm stupid. Well, maybe it's just the whole thing is still new to me. I have to learn my own limits. But right now I'm in the "all or nothing" mode still. Some days I'd rather go all out and take care of business. Other days I'd rather just sit and watch television. Let's face it, those TV day are most days.

Whatever. All I know is, by that point it was only mid-day and I was no longer in the position to do anything energy taxing, and that included dealing with people. So after I had finished my paperwork and left for Target to take advantage of that super deal (remember? this morning? the printer problems?) I was in no mood for any guff. So when the guff came my way I pretty much hit them with all I had.

Was I rude? Yes. Did they deserve it? Oh absolutely. They were terrible at their job. I have worked at Target before, and my mother works there now. I know what needed to be done was easy. Too bad they were just beyond awful and didn't know how to do their own job. I was "Stern Damon" and I was more than willing to yell as loud as need be. Was my demeanor linked to my irresponsibility with my energy levels? Probably. You know what though? Too bad. She deserved it. No apologies from me. Not this time. Maybe next time.

All and all I ended up getting stuff done, getting a hell of a deal, and getting a monster headache. I know I could have handled things better, but hindsight is 20-20 and I can't go back and change anything. Not yet anyway. Not until I get my DeLorean. Then it's 88 m.p.h baby!