They Never Taught Us That In School

Am I really that bad? I have been asking myself that almost every day. I read the stories, the accounts of people and their struggles with the MonSter and it just confuses me further. It seems to me that some people have it pretty darn bad, and I am actually doing good. So why is it that when I am in situations where I shouldn't have a problem, I totally suck? I hate it, but I keep coming back to the conclusion that it isn't my MS that is causing all the trouble. It's me! It has to be. I just am not good at this whole living life like a normal human being thing.

I think this whole work thing just has me all in a twist. I have a job that pretty much anyone can do, and yet all I do is worry that I'm gonna screw up or not be able to handle it. I worry about my brain and how my mind just seems to go blank and stay blank. I worry about how tired I get after being there for only an hour or two. I worry about not being able to keep up and do everything that is expected of me. I look at coworkers and I wonder why these silly people can do things with ease while I'm slow to learn things and complete the little tasks I'm given.

Of course, all that thinking and worrying is just making it worse. What little brainpower I have left these days is quickly used up and wasted on these crazy concerns. When I actually need my mind to work, it just doesn't. Then I get that blank look on my face, my mouth hanging open slightly and my eyes glazed over... These people at work are gonna start to think I am on drugs or something.

So what do I do? Well, I've tried looking over all the information about disability and SSI and all that crap and after maybe reading a paragraph, my mind just shuts down and I can't concentrate or take in any more. I've tried to read this stuff like a bajillion times but I can't get any information. I might as well be reading some random book in a foreign language, because I am not getting a word of it. None of it makes a lick of sense to me. If I can't even read the stuff, how am I supposed to figure out if I qualify?

I asked my neurologist a while back about the whole disability thing while I was in the process of getting my diagnosis. She told me I'd essentially have to be blind or in a wheelchair to get anything to happen. That's... Ugh. Did MS really have to be practically invisible? As for the people who determine if I qualify or not, aren't the MRIs showing crazy spots and stuff in my brain and spine enough? The fact that I have to live with this for the rest of my life, is that not something serious? A pox on your houses!

I'd ask for help, but I have no clue who to ask. Plus, I get the sense that I'd be fighting a losing battle. So after all this, all I end up doing is telling myself to forget about it and focus on getting over my struggles with work. It would really be a huge help, and I would love to leave home once again, but at this point it all seems... It's just not gonna happen. What's the word I'm looking for?... Dismal.

So What About You?

We are all looking for something, whether it be love, acceptance, money, fame, fortune, or even piece of mind. It's that search that drives us to do so many things, all in a bid to grab a hold of the things we want. But what is it? What is it that YOU want? What are YOU looking for? What are those things that you haven't found yet? I've thought about those things, because I am an overthinker who uses my super brain power for useless stuff and obsessions. I've never actually considered making a list though. A list of the things that I'm looking for. So maybe I should give it a shot and at least write five or so of them down here.

1. Understanding. Now, I have caught glimpses of understanding before. Here and there. I think some people have even gotten real close to making me feel 100% understood. I still think it could be better. I'm shooting for 100%.

2. Companionship. Okay, duh. We all pretty much want a partner in crime, right? I guess this kinda connects with the first one too. It's a lot to ask of someone though, isn't it? It's a tough job. Then again "someone's gotta do it..." I hope so at least. Especially for a nutter like me.

3. Home. Yes, I have a home. I'm not homeless. What I'm talking about is a space that I would actually feel I belong in. I don't have that. Not right now. What I do have is somewhere that I feel is more of a house than a home. A roof and walls. I never really felt right in this city either. I don't think California is right for me. If I do go somewhere else, maybe I'll miss it and run back. I won't know until I try though.

4. Stability. Most of this has to do with money and job stuff, but stability is the big issue. Some people might say that money and jobs and stuff aren't important. Those people must have it real good. Me, I need those things. Especially now, as the money gets spent faster and faster with the addition of medical insurance payments, visits to the neurologist, meds and shots and all the rest. I don't want to have to rely on my helpful family and turn into a burden, and I don't want to have to worry about where the money is going to come from. Stability.

5. "Grindhouse" Japanese Box Set. This DVD set is freakin' sweet! I've been dying to get it and it's just too far out of my price range. It's amazing. It hold this set in my hands would make me a very happy nerd. A very happy nerd indeed.

The Root of all Schmeevil

So I start wondering to myself, I wonder - Is this because of the MS or is it just me? Would I have done this or felt that way even if I had never had the damn thing? Is MS a big trigger for tons of weird crap or is it merely a detail in the odd trajectory of what is, essentially, my life?
Heavy stuff right?! Okay, yea, I know I could never come to a true conclusion to intangible and ridiculous questions like that one, why we exist, or who God is (even though we all know it's probably someone like Hugh Hefner or George Clooney or someone else who is living the high life)... but I can't help it! It's a question on my mind like all the damn time.
So think maybe I should go over some of these questions. It was either that or I was gonna talk about why I don't eat seafood
. Yea, the questions are probably more interesting -
Would I have gotten some of those jobs I interviewed for if it weren't for the MS?:
So I've been out of work for over a year now. Now before you ask, I didn't lose it to the MS. When I had a relapse and I was working there, I was able to handle it. Any struggles I had they overlooked because, hey, the people I worked with loved me (what's not to love?!). But that job is gone. Lost to the economy, to bankruptcy and probably shitty business decisions. No use crying over all that mess. Since then though, I've searched all over the place for work, and when I actually did get an interview I'm pretty sure I didn't look very good in their eyes. The interview where I got to showcase the childlike handwriting from the tingle hands. The interview where I had trouble walking. Oh, and of course the job I actually GOT and then was let go from after ONE DAY because I couldn't work hard and fast enough. Jobs I've actually wanted and jobs I really didn't, all passing me by. Sure, I could blame it on the job market. Then again I could blame it on me being unimpressive. Or is it the MS tripping me up with it's little tricks? I can't tell!
Would I be as willing to try things and be as adventurous if I didn't have MS?:
This one is a good one I guess. I think after finally putting a name to all the crazy stuff I was going through I started to realize just how surprising life can be. Things just happen. So its like, what the hell? Screw it. If I have a chance to do something, like bungee jump or go on some crazy trip, it's like - why the hell not? Now, of course, I haven't really got the chance to do things like that. Just yet anyway. Money precludes me from such endeavors. Still, I've done some stuff that I don't think I would have done five yeas ago, or even last year. Then again, I start to wonder, is it just me getting older, restless, and maybe it's part of the Damon evolution. We never stay exactly the same person we always were. If we did, I'd still have that Milli Vanilli VHS tape. Oh, wait, yea I still do.
Would I be having AS much trouble with diet and exercise, or is it the MS?:
Okay, this one is kinda complicated. I've always been overweight. Then again, a little over a year ago I decided to handle it somewhat and I did really well. At the time I had only had my first (undiagnosed) bout with MS five years prior and my second was just going away (still undiagnosed!) and was going away completely without any lingering effects. I was exercising tons and losing weight (like 70 lbs.) with no problem. Now this time, good ol' Mr. Tingly is back and has basically set up permanent residence in my hands and even though I put in the effort I don't really seem to get anywhere. I've actually gained 10 or so pounds. Now, yes, I know, the snacks do not help... but still! Then again, is it just that I'm not doing enough? Or am I doing it wrong? Should I be blaming MS at all?
Well, I think in the end maybe it doesn't really matter if it's MS or not. It's a part of me, so essentially it is me. Just like everyone's MS is a little different because their MS is a part of them. It's a very personal thing. So while it's a great benefit to have something I can blame stuff on (and I will DEFINITELY use it to get outta those things I don't wanna do) I think in the end MS is a part of who I am so, blaming MS is just blaming myself in a way. That'll probably end in a few depressing moments I'm sure, but I'm thinking it'll make the accepting MS thing a little easier. Maybe it's kinda like quicksand - don't struggle, you'll only make it worse. Oh, and when someone tosses you a line, take it.