Updates? Not Really...

Wow. I haven't written here in a while. A shame, considering how entertaining I am... (Insert sounds of a crowd laughing at how ridiculous that was).

Anyway, I haven't been up to too much. Nothing I would want to discuss anyway (ooh! mystery!). I've actually just been working here and there. Hanging out with friends and such. Watching a bunch of TV. Generally just keeping myself busy and happy for the most part. No huge developments in my life just yet. If there is, I'll let you know.

As for the health thing, I went and took some tests for my memory and the guy said I actually have a pretty good memory. Kinda confusing considering how much of a dope I feel sometimes. I'm a birdbrain! Whatever, the results were positive, so I am not gonna obsess.

Otherwise, I haven't got much else to tell. I'm boring! Sorry!

Don't Say You'll Never Be Angry With Me, Just Say You'll Forgive Me

Got an appointment with my Neurologist in a few hours. First thing in the morning. I've actually been looking forward to it for a few days. Not exactly sure why I should look forward to such things. I could remember a time when the idea of going to see a doctor was nightmarish. I avoided doctors like they were gonna chop off my hoo-hoo-dilly. Then again, back then it was for stupid stuff like a flu or something. Stuff I could handle on my own with some over the counter medication and a little patience. Walk it off! Now here I am in a totally different situation, so I guess it's not that surprising that my attitude is different as well.

So I am going just as a check-in sort of thing. Last time I was in I was getting my off-work order extended so I could get more temporary disability checks while I searched for work. While I was there we discussed how I was feeling (no different, nothing new except the additional bad feelings from the seasonal weather changes). Then she tells me to come back in December so we could check in again and go over some blood tests I would take right before. So I've taken my tests (easy-peasy), and now I'm ready to go. I don't expect anything, but that could be why I actually look forward to these things. To reaffirm that there isn't anything new that is wrong with me. No news is good news, am I right?

I'm also planning on bringing up some of the brain issues I feel like I've got going on. I feel like I have serious memory problems. Sometimes I seem to *think* I see things, but I'm wrong. At times I'll overlook things a bunch before I actually see them. I'll also bring up how at work I get zapped after about an hour and a half when all I've really been doing is sorting and putting away movies. Maybe it's the being on my feet thing, maybe it's the brain stuff, maybe it's the combo. Either way it's a hurdle and while I don't think she can really do anything about it, I feel like I should mention it.

One thing I am NOT looking forward to is when they do that whole check my blood pressure and my weight thing. Now my blood pressure has never really been a problem, so I am not worried about that, but my weight isn't gonna be good. Nope. Not at all. By my estimates over this past year I've gained over 20 pounds. Ugh. I know, it's all pretty much my own fault, but we all know it's not that easy to take care of. Every time I get that spirit to exercise it lasts only so long and then my body just quits. The soreness sticks around longer and longer each time and the spirit to work out disappears. So, this weigh-in will just be another reminder of my downhill slide towards uggghs-ville. All I know is, while I'm aware I gotta work alot harder at doing better with all this stuff, I can only PRAY that someone will be able to look past my exterior mess and appreciate the Damon inside.

Well, I'm sure if anything actually interesting comes up at the appointment then I'll write it down here in my own weird sort of way. Otherwise, just assume that everything is as normal as it's gonna be for me, nothings changed, and that scale I was frowning at wasn't kind to me.

They Never Taught Us That In School

Am I really that bad? I have been asking myself that almost every day. I read the stories, the accounts of people and their struggles with the MonSter and it just confuses me further. It seems to me that some people have it pretty darn bad, and I am actually doing good. So why is it that when I am in situations where I shouldn't have a problem, I totally suck? I hate it, but I keep coming back to the conclusion that it isn't my MS that is causing all the trouble. It's me! It has to be. I just am not good at this whole living life like a normal human being thing.

I think this whole work thing just has me all in a twist. I have a job that pretty much anyone can do, and yet all I do is worry that I'm gonna screw up or not be able to handle it. I worry about my brain and how my mind just seems to go blank and stay blank. I worry about how tired I get after being there for only an hour or two. I worry about not being able to keep up and do everything that is expected of me. I look at coworkers and I wonder why these silly people can do things with ease while I'm slow to learn things and complete the little tasks I'm given.

Of course, all that thinking and worrying is just making it worse. What little brainpower I have left these days is quickly used up and wasted on these crazy concerns. When I actually need my mind to work, it just doesn't. Then I get that blank look on my face, my mouth hanging open slightly and my eyes glazed over... These people at work are gonna start to think I am on drugs or something.

So what do I do? Well, I've tried looking over all the information about disability and SSI and all that crap and after maybe reading a paragraph, my mind just shuts down and I can't concentrate or take in any more. I've tried to read this stuff like a bajillion times but I can't get any information. I might as well be reading some random book in a foreign language, because I am not getting a word of it. None of it makes a lick of sense to me. If I can't even read the stuff, how am I supposed to figure out if I qualify?

I asked my neurologist a while back about the whole disability thing while I was in the process of getting my diagnosis. She told me I'd essentially have to be blind or in a wheelchair to get anything to happen. That's... Ugh. Did MS really have to be practically invisible? As for the people who determine if I qualify or not, aren't the MRIs showing crazy spots and stuff in my brain and spine enough? The fact that I have to live with this for the rest of my life, is that not something serious? A pox on your houses!

I'd ask for help, but I have no clue who to ask. Plus, I get the sense that I'd be fighting a losing battle. So after all this, all I end up doing is telling myself to forget about it and focus on getting over my struggles with work. It would really be a huge help, and I would love to leave home once again, but at this point it all seems... It's just not gonna happen. What's the word I'm looking for?... Dismal.

Betty Jo

I was off at school. It was my third year of college. I was living in an apartment in Newport Beach. Well, it was BARELY Newport Beach. Just on the border. I could see no beach. What I could see was school, which needed to be nearby because I was going to be walking. I was in my own world, away from my family and away from their goings-on.

What was happening back at home wasn't great. My grandmother's health was in a nose dive. She'd been diagnosed with cancer, and from that point things just seemed to move faster and faster. I was around when I could be, but I wasn't really there. Her time in the hospital. The move to one of those homes where there are nurses to take care of her. Her move back to her old home where my aunt lives now. I think I was there probably once for each of those.

One night I was at my apartment getting ready to go shopping for a birthday gift for my sister. My friend Brian was coming by and we were gonna go to a local record store (since apparently I have no idea how to shop for a girl). Before he arrived, I got a call from my mom telling me that she had died. It was awful to hear and all I could think of was how I had planned to go see her soon but I didn't. It was too late. I had missed my chance. My grandmother had died and that night I went out shopping at a record store. That just didn't seem right. Brian asked me if anything was wrong, but I didn't say anything about what happened (but he found out a couple years later and had one of those "ooohhh" moments).

I missed out though. I missed out on quite a bit, I'm sure. I missed the sorrow. I missed so much of the hard work and worry my mom had. I overlooked the depression my mom went through afterwards as well. What I really missed though was the time with my grandmother. She wasn't very lucid towards the end, but shouldn't I have been there just a little more anyway? I missed out, I'm sure.

I think what actually bothers me though is that it happened when it did. Our time-lines just didn't match up. I would love to talk to her so much if she was here today. I'm not only talking about important stuff, but silly stuff too. She dug the TV show Buffy the Vampire Slayer and I came to that party long after it was over. "OMG, grandma, how crazy was that episode with no dialog?! Or that one where she sacrificed herself???" Okay, yea, silly.

Really though, I'd like to talk to her about my MS. My grandfather, who I never even met, lived with MS and it'd be interesting to hear anything she had to say on all of that, good or bad. That's the one question I'd wanna ask if I could. That or I'd ask for her to help me out with her afterlife-vision. She could tell me what I need to do to become crazy successful and happy. Oh, and if she knows where the heck my collection of buttons/pins I had as a kid went. I wanna find those!

Grandma, I love you. :)

I Was A Teenage Frisbee Champion

So there's my memory... or to be a tad more specific, there ISN'T my memory. That's sorta the problem. I'm not saying my mind was ever the mecca of knowledge or anything. I'm not Encyclopedia Brown. All I know is, I NEVER had this much trouble recalling information before. I get the simplest questions, something I should be able to recall from the memory banks immediately and I reach in to get a big handful of nothing.
Now, I know for some of the stuff, it's like who cares? When someone asks a normal person "Who was that guy who starred in those old Disney TV shows as Elfego Baca?" the person usually responds with "Uh... who? What's an Elfego Baca? Do you have something stuck in your teeth? Get away from me you weirdo!" See, I'm no normal person though. Never was, never will be. But I am also a student of film (got a degree and everything! It's hanging up on the wall of my non-existent home, or in my non-existent office next to that stupid Hang In There poster). It's my thing. I love movies and TV and stuff like that, so when I can't remember Robert Loggia, it bothers me. That is freakin' sad. Robert Loggia is upsetting me.
Okay, I know it's not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things that I can't remember names like Robert Loggia, Mary Elizabeth Winstead or Ron Eldard. That's just one example though. There's the other stuff, the normal, everyday stuff. Remembering to turn off a light before leaving a room. Planning on doing something - the big mission - and getting distracted by something stupid like stopping to get a drink and COMPLETELY forgetting about the mission. I will get out of the shower, towel off, and not remember to dry my back! Come on! "Why is my back wet?" I ask myself in a grand moment of duh. Why do I have to ask myself whether or not I dried my back? What's next? "Did you remember to put on pants today?"
Then there are those moments when remembering becomes pretty damn important. Like when I'm paying for something or using the ATM and I have to punch in my PIN number. People stand around waiting while I go into my notes and find the 4 digit number that I JUST went over with myself a few minutes ago in preparation for this exact moment. Anxiety hits instantaneously and my inadequacies are magnified in my eyes to the trillionth degree. "You can put in your PIN now sir..." Uh, gimmie a sec, I know. I just need the number. Oh and what if I don't have my notes with me? I am SCREWED then, that's what. Can we just get that implant or whatever so I can wave my hand and be done with it? I'll risk the possible hand theft.
One thing that did occur to me, today in fact, is that I MIGHT be able to spin this problem into something magnificent. Something fantastical. So let's say my memory gets so bad that I basically lose all of my memories. Those good moments (hardly any, no big loss) that I'd want to talk about as an old man. You know the type, that old dude who goes around telling hilarious stories. Well, if I can't remember those moments, and if I accept that today instead of beating myself up about it later on, then what I CAN do is use my skills as a storyteller and just make memories up.  Who cares if the events never happened? I can't remember the ones that did anyway. Might as well live my life thinking I did the most amazing, ridiculous things. I plan on remembering fondly the year I spent as a grifter, along with my female partner who ended up double-crossing me over a handful of diamonds. Maybe I shouldn't have trusted her, but I definitely don't regret sleeping with her.
So next time I talk to you and I'm telling you a great story - don't think about whether what I am saying is true or not. It really doesn't matter. What matters is that I am talking to you. Consider yourself lucky, I'm freakin' amazing.