Home Life

How do you tell the people you love that you just don't want to see them anymore? That you would like miles and miles of distance between you and them and maybe would like to go for months on end without having to hear their voices. That the things they do, being themselves, is just too much for you and you'd rather they were replaced by robots or sedated bears. How do you go about doing something like that?

Now it's not that I don't appreciate them. Also, don't think that I have stopped loving them. Still, I'm done. I'm out. Like realizing an episode of Two & A Half Men is starting on the television, I just wanna get the eff out and do a lot of avoiding for quite a while (for fear of a possible T&AHM marathon of awfulness). Thing is, there is really no good way to tell people that they remind you of the threat of having to watch a Charlie Sheen/Jon Cryer sitcom.

Also my problem is that I've got nowhere else to go. They're doing ME a favor by having me around. That's what family is for, right? Ugh! Just make me feel more guilty why don't you? It makes the situation worse realizing that I am the one who is the person who can't be avoided. I am the one who can't find a job and get the hell out. Now, it's not like I am not trying. I'm doing my best to work around all my lame medical issues to try and do something... ANYTHING.

Thing is, I haven't figured out how that all works. It's not like there's a map or something either. No manual. I'm feeling around in the dark and all that happens is I run my shin into the coffee table or I trip over rugs or something. Lots of injuries, setbacks and frustrations. I can't find my way in the dark, it's... it's too dark! Unreasonable scream! You know, excuse me if I am tired of my loved ones, sick of having them around while I fumble around like a moron.

So how do I tell them all that they are annoying the crap out of me by merely being themselves and living in my general vicinity? Well, my current method really isn't working. How are they supposed to know when I keep it all to myself and only talk about it in a blog that I'm pretty sure they don't know about? Maybe someone else has a better idea. Or maybe I can just murder them all... Meh. Too much effort and I don't have the energy. Thanks MS, you won't even give me the energy for some serious murdering.

Welcome to the Dark Corners of My Mind

My day today was uneventful, but interesting indeed. Not for me, but I am sure for those within my reach. I think I let my emotions get the best of me and my depressive side really stepped up and took over. It made for a pretty embarrassing day.

I decided to say things I probably never should have, and expressed stuff... stuff I knew was probably a mistake in the first place. I decided to just let a certain part of me take control and make decisions for my own interests, without consideration for anyone else. I mean, that is what I still want to do anyway if I'm gonna be honest. I would continue down that path if I could, but I think I hold the feelings of some people over my own. And here I thought I was a selfish individual. I guess this time, not so much. Evolution!

Oh well, these blah days happen. It's normal or something. I'd just rather they didn't happen as much. They happen to me lots these days. Oh well, just got to roll with the punches, let it pass, and whatever happens, it happens. It's just part of my life. If you wanna be in it you gotta expect it to happen. Except, I'd just rather not run people off. I have a very small number of true friends as it is.

Ugh. That reminds me of anther thing that bugs me. It's like, okay Damon, you have had enough trouble as it is with the whole social thing. Never been a winner on that front. Guess what, now it's gonna be harder! Seriously?!? So now I gotta throw in some unpredictable crazy moods, an uncooperative body (that I mean, come on, was never gonna win any awards anyway), and all this other crazy shit? Yea, I'm a freakin' catch. You know, if someone ever decides to put up with me on a permanent basis, I am pretty sure they are certifiably insane. Good thing I like insane.

Well, enough rambling for now. Tune in next time when the topic of discussion will be - "Mayonnaise: Condiment or Super-Gross Devil Concoction"

Casette 1. Side A. "People Are Strange"

The following is taken from my first entry into "The Outraged Person's Guide To Surviving MS", a project started by Lori K. of the blog 12 December 2008

We're all different, aren't we classmates? And what happens to you or me or he or she or anyone who deals with Multiple Sclerosis is gonna have a different perspective when it comes to all this stuff. You hear that almost the instant you discover MS.

It's like the first sentence in the handbook. Everyone's MS symptoms and effects are different. You read that and go, "Gee, thanks, that doesn't help me whatsoever when I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with me". The bizarre things that happen to our bodies without explanation are maddening. Not like life-stuff isn't frustrating enough already. Life for people with MS is serious toughness. Especially for the undiagnosed.

I was undiagnosed for years. I was told the tingling and the numbness were my fault. I was told: You're out of shape, that's the reason. You're stressed, that's the reason. You're... (*doctor shrugs*) sick? MS and it's undefinedness, combined with doctors who run the system like a business instead of like actual healthcare, can drive a person insane. Later when you're diagnosed they will tell you that stress will worsen your condition. So maybe a lawsuit is in order for all those years of misery.

Anyway, back on point, we're all different. Duh. But there is something you can't blame on MS and the symptom grab-bag, and that is awful people. Lori touched on it, but I want to rant a bit more. There's a community out there (and it's pretty damn big) that believe saying your prayers and eating your vitamins are gonna solve the big problems. Throw in "the power of positivity" and you got yourself a recipe for eww.

Chat rooms of MS'ers are out there full of people who pray for each other and discuss the next wacky theory that might solve this bizarre disease. Websites are up that tell you that Multiple Sclerosis is merely a hiccup in a life and you can live easy-peasy as everyone else if you just stay positive. Then there are the people who are more concerned about the politics of MS rather than their own health. All of these people form the majority because they are loud, pushy, and rally like crazy. Meanwhile those of us who are realistic and NORMAL just go about our business and chat with our friends and avoid our families (don't lie, you know you do).

Because of normalcy, our web-presence is obviously lacking. The internet is basically weirdos, funny cat pictures and pornography. Finding real people like us is tough. Yes, I just called myself real. Real weird! (These are the jokes people, start laughing) But it's like I've said when talking to my MS buddies whenever the new big MS thing hits the web - These people are so unreal. All the "living with MS is easy" crap is warping the minds of people without MS. It's also harming new MS'ers.

Poor newbies. They're shamed into thinking that they are damaged if they aren't positive and active. Shamed because they aren't smiling while their body does whatever it wants without reason. Shamed into believing they aren't normal. Instead, people need to be able to read about how people handle life, good or bad. No discussions, no debates, just lay it all out and let people decide for themselves how to live their own lives.

No one is perfect, no one is normal. We're all freaks. MS or not. People need to get that through their thick skulls and maybe be a whole lot less uptight. How about we let people live their lives without shoving agenda down their throats, without pressuring with positivity, without forcing Jesus or whoever on them. Calm down, be a little less rah-rah-rah, and be a little more cool. Remember cool? Fonzie was cool. Be more Fonzie.

I'm A Pair Of Shoes

Seriously. I've started to identify with my own shoes. Have I gone wacko or what? Here are my shoes...

(You can thank my crappy phone for the terrible quality)

So there are my shoes. People have told me they look ugly. Now they are coming apart a little. They probably need to be replaced. For all of these statements, I could say the same about myself. Does no one like these shoes but me?

Everyone needs a pair of shoes. No one wants these.

The Best Things Seem Out Of Reach

Sometimes I wonder if I could just pick up and move. I don't have much saved (2k, although another 5k is owed to me but that's a different story altogether), and I don't have a vehicle, or much in the way of skills and talent... but I mean, it could be done right? Right?

See, it's the uncertainty. That's why I don't do it. I cannot handle uncertainty. If there are too many questions to be answered, and not enough structure for me to settle in to, I basically freak out. Not like an external freak out where I end up doing destructive things to others. More like an internal freak out where I end up shutting down and cutting myself off from just about everything. It's the stress that does it.

Maybe if I knew what situation I was getting into. In my other moves, I was going to school, or moving in with other people. There were friends and people who I knew would be there if I needed someone. Foundation, no matter how shaky, is still something I can work with. There's nothing out there, outside of California, that I can think of. Where is the backup?

Or is that the point? I could just do it and deal with all the problems as they arise. Finding a place. Finding a job. Making sure I am on top of my medical bills and the rest of those awful monetary pitfalls. Just give it my best shot and win, lose, or draw I could say I did it.

I really have no clue. I think that's actually my motto or the title of my self-help book or something - "I Have No Clue (and you can do it too!)" by Damon. Seriously though, do you have any suggestions? Opinions? Do you wanna yell at me because I am being so stupid? Probably the latter, but either way I wouldn't mind hearing what you have to say... (Uh oh, did I just open Pandora's Box of Awful?)

One Big Holiday

It's just another one of those days. "Those days" where nothing specific happens but I can actually feel myself falling downward. Down the drain and into that dark space where all I can see is the bad stuff. I don't expect anyone to feel bad for me or anything, it's not like something particular happened today. This stuff seems to happen all the time now. I understand that there are factors in AND out of my control that contribute to this sucky feeling, I just wish it wasn't happening. Period.

Each time this happens, I seem to find some other piece of my life I am dissatisfied with to focus on. This time it is the whole job thing. I'm pissed with myself for being less than grateful that I've found a job. I'm angry that I didn't do enough early on so I could get a job I would be happy with. I'm upset that I can't figure out some way to make a living so I can be more independent and leave home once again. I'm bothered by the way I don't feel like I fit in, no matter where I am. Oh, and I'm beyond angry that I get tired so goddamned fast and it hurts to walk, stand, or even bend down to sit.

Now it's not like I expect all or even one or two of these things to change. It's more probable they will never change. That's my experience anyway. The only thing I can even imagine happening is some sort of crazy miracle, where in the end I end up happy and everything works out perfect without me even trying. Do you know why that would happen? It would happen because it would just be another moment of the universe screwing with me. Messing with my mind and proving once more that I know nothing at all.

So what conclusions have I come to today? Well, I need to get used to sudden moments of depression. I should also find a partner and we should go out on the road as grifters, conning people out of their savings so that I can one day live comfortably. Then I won't have to think so hard about the stuff I have been worrying about today. Instead I'll just have to worry about things like being arrested or being double-crossed or something like that. I would much rather worry about that crazy stuff anyway. Better to deal with insanity than the mundane.

Oh, and if I could find someone to keep me company, that'd be great too. Actually, that would be pretty huge.

The Invention of Terrible

Do we expect too much from those in pop music? Not enough?

This is the question that we must ask ourselves. Well, actually I'm not sure about "us", I don't know what kind of music you listen to. I don't even listen to pop music. Well, in the sense that I don't listen to Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake, Usher or whatever. But lemme get back on point here. Are those "artists" being asked to do too much by the fans?

Before I start to sound too sympathetic to people I don't even actually care for, let me just start off by telling you what their problem really is. The problem is that pop music is no longer a medium for music. No, apparently people aren't too interested in music anymore. These days pop music is a forum for performers. Performers are very different from musicians. That is clearer now more than ever.

This fact is personified, at least in my mind, by the microphone headset. It is a bit more handy than the classic microphone, since now the person has two free hands instead of one. Where I find a problem is when it's only being used as a prop. There are people on stage who will wear these headsets and dance around pretending to sing. They "perform" for an audience who probably paid outrageous ticket prices and fees to have the privilege to watch such fakery.

So maybe we should just change the genre term completely. Instead of calling it pop music we could call it performance music. They perform music, maybe with their voice, MAYBE, but mostly they are performing for their audience, putting forth an image. But let's face facts people, there's a difference between being a musician and a performer. Sure you can be both, but don't let those fakers out there fool you.

Sure, we have chastised some for such activities, like Ashley Simpson or Milli Vanilli, but how are these people any different from other performers? The ones who dance around like crazy and do so with such intensity that they can't possibly sound their best, no matter how talented they are. So because the audiences today ask for such explosive, high energy, dancy & performy type shows, does that mean that it's okay to just skip the singing part altogether?

So what if their concerts were a bit less dancy, a little less performy, and instead they actually went up to the mic and gave it their all? I bet the crowd would be super pissed. Why? Well probably because they'd realize that the people they paid huge ticket prices to see actually aren't very good at all. Okay, so some of them might actually be good. Totally possible. I think it should happen though, it'd help get rid if some of the crap out there...

So to those pop music performers out there, the ones that are crap - You're lucky as all hell. Thank the heavens above that you're getting away with the stuff you do.

And to those who actually are talented, well, I would give you more credit, but those bad apples are spoiling your bunch. Maybe if you stopped dancing around like crazy though, I might be able to focus on your talent. Or just keep performing. Either way. I mean, I'm not Mr. Music Industry or professor of how to be awesome or whatever. I'm just saying, maybe there's a better way. Or at least a less awful, more happy medium.