The Best Things Seem Out Of Reach

Sometimes I wonder if I could just pick up and move. I don't have much saved (2k, although another 5k is owed to me but that's a different story altogether), and I don't have a vehicle, or much in the way of skills and talent... but I mean, it could be done right? Right?

See, it's the uncertainty. That's why I don't do it. I cannot handle uncertainty. If there are too many questions to be answered, and not enough structure for me to settle in to, I basically freak out. Not like an external freak out where I end up doing destructive things to others. More like an internal freak out where I end up shutting down and cutting myself off from just about everything. It's the stress that does it.

Maybe if I knew what situation I was getting into. In my other moves, I was going to school, or moving in with other people. There were friends and people who I knew would be there if I needed someone. Foundation, no matter how shaky, is still something I can work with. There's nothing out there, outside of California, that I can think of. Where is the backup?

Or is that the point? I could just do it and deal with all the problems as they arise. Finding a place. Finding a job. Making sure I am on top of my medical bills and the rest of those awful monetary pitfalls. Just give it my best shot and win, lose, or draw I could say I did it.

I really have no clue. I think that's actually my motto or the title of my self-help book or something - "I Have No Clue (and you can do it too!)" by Damon. Seriously though, do you have any suggestions? Opinions? Do you wanna yell at me because I am being so stupid? Probably the latter, but either way I wouldn't mind hearing what you have to say... (Uh oh, did I just open Pandora's Box of Awful?)

It's Not So Bad

As I wake up this morning and reflect on yesterday's events (the whole establishing that I'm going to be working thing) I am just slightly calmer about the matter. Just slightly. I'm still super wary and pessimistic about it, but now I am also giving in. I'm giving in to the whole situation. Knowing that I will allow myself to quit at any time, despite any burned bridges it may cause, it is seeming less like a bad idea and more like an experiment. Well, at least that us what I am trying to tell myself.

The "allowing myself to quit" and "burning bridges" stuff is fairly new to me. I've always been more concerned with my actions effects on other people rather than on me. I've made selfish decisions before, but I don't think I've ever actually made a concious effort to do so. These days, with the introduction of the Sclerosis of Multiple proportions, I've begun to realize that I am gonna have to start being more selfish. I have to look out for myself and my own interests. I don't have the luxury to worry about anyone else, not right now. Not when it's hard enough just trying to take care if myself.

All I know is that after about a month or so, things should look a lot clearer. There's nothing like actually being in the middle of insanity to prove that it isn't so bad. I know this very well. I've been living as an insane person for quite a while, and as far as I can tell, I'm not so bad.

Out of the Ordinary

So let's start this off MS Style! I just finished my 13th shot of Avonex just now. 13 is a good number, right?! Super lucky? I might be mistaken, but 13 is the number of people who weren't murdered, didn't lose everything, and never ever ever had bad luck... ever.

Moving on. So I have three big things I'd like to discuss. Three events that happened that were very much out of the ordinary. Ordinary for me is never finding fun, a job, or friends. The fact that I get to talk about all three of these things in this post is actually pretty huge for me, so gimmie that hug or pat on the back (or butt), 'cause I totally deserve it.

So here goes:

FUN! So the other night I went to a get-together for old co-workers from my last job. Whaaaaat?! Yea, I never go to those things. I always avoided hanging out with work people outside work. They are WORK people, not OUTSIDE people. Well, now we aren't co-workers, and they thought to invite me, so I went! Sooo glad I did too. After the bankruptcy and liquidation over a year ago, I hadn't seen most of these people and it was pretty fun to see some of them. The restaurant was super loud and crowded, so I actually couldn't hear much except what went on at my end of the table, but that's okay 'cause I had a great time chatting with the people I could hear, especially Brian & Heather. So yea, fun times. Expensive meal though. Jeebus. Some places really know how to stick it to ya.

JOB! Okay, so this is a strange one. My friend is leaving the area for a long while and offered me the opportunity to take over his spot in some ESL school (The Wilshire Language School) downtown. I know, I don't live downtown. I guess I'm gonna be staying at his place too. Yea, weird. I hate staying at a house that isn't mine (it has stranger-house smell and stranger furniture!), but I guess I have to if I'm gonna be able to take the job... The job? Well, it seems fairly easy. Have people read, read aloud, answer questions, whatever. I asked my friend and he said they don't give grades. They don't seem to care about attendance either. The whole thing sounds a bit odd to me, which makes me nervous. When I was mid-freak-out and looking to talk it out with someone, Anna told me I should just do it. If I decide it's bad news bears I should just leave. So I guess I'm just gonna jump in and hope the water is fine.

FRIENDS! Here was the coolest thing I got to do in the past week. I got to see Dana! She was passing through LAX switching planes on her way to see Jackie. So I got my lazy self out of bed, hopped on the Metrolink train, arrived at L.A. Union Station, hopped on a shuttle and got to LAX. When I got there I waited and when the time came I excitedly watched as people emerged. Anticipation built... until she called and told me I was totally at the wrong gate. Damon is as cool as always! So we met up halfway and I was a total awkward nerd-geek. I gave her what I hope was a cool mini present that may also have been offensive (a tiny therapist that you drop in water and it grows), and we walked over to the area she needed to be at for her next flight. We talked, we talked, and we talked (yay!). Then I almost convinced myself to tag along on her trip. Then she took my picture and we took a picture together (thanks to an old dude who TOTALLY disappeared afterwards... Thanks ghost dude!). Then it was time for her to go. I was sad to see her go. The moment seemed to pass so fast. I probably seemed like an ginormous weirdo or whatever, but I thought she was super neato. If I get the chance, I'd definitely visit her and spend more than an hour with my MS Buddy. Then again, an hour with me might have been enough...

So, that was lots to go over and I am tired and can't think of a clever way to end this. Also, you readers may have fallen asleep trying to read this super long post.

Your welcome insomniacs!

WELCOME!

I moved all the old blog stuff here, to this new WONDERFUL page. Hopefully I'll start writing again. The occasional review, yes, but also personal stuff. Personal stuff? Yea, I'll probably be bitching about my Multiple Sclerosis (I was officially diagnosed in June) and about my current inability to find work and whatever else I feel like complaining about. Sounds fun, right?

Well, maybe I'll throw in fun stuff like how outraged I am that MTV is developing a show based on Teen Wolf (blasphemy!) or all the cool stuff thats been happening (Dave Grohl is rockin' the drums again with members of Queens of the Stone Age and Led Zeppelin?!?). I'd also like to every once and a while post a playlist so the ZERO people who read my blog can maybe find some cool stuff to (probably never actually) listen to. So yes, fun times ahead!

Well, at least until I abandon another blog again....