Note to No One

The future is here, the future is now, the future is... frightening as all hell. Honestly, that is all that has been on my mind these days, my future. I'm talking about my future in concern with health stuff, monetary stuff, work stuff, living-situation stuff, relationships with people stuff. So, yea, pretty much the whole damn thing. And do you know what is the BEST conclusion I have been able to come up with? That I am scared as all hell.

I think mostly it all comes down to me feeling completely derailed. Things that may have been an option before no longer are and stuff that felt so simple to do just a little while ago are just so much more difficult. Just think about the idea that I get tired and fatigued just by standing for longish periods. Standing! That is stupid. My hands don't feel normal anymore? My hands?! Verdict: Stupid. The fact that since I have been working my crap job for the past year I have had TWO weirdo flare-ups of my MS probably due to working and stress. Yup, you guessed it - Stupid. So many easy things now are a challenge to me and all I can ask myself is, what the hell happened?

Whatever, forget about all the wrong turns or weird karma crap that caused me to get to this point, turned me down this path where a stupid disease gets in the way of me living a normal life. I don't give a crap anymore. What I do care about is figuring out a way to fix it. Get on track. Find out a way to get to a point where I can actually pay for all my medical expenses, pay for a place to live and all those things, and maintain a sense of self-worth that has basically been lost over these last few months/years/etc. It's enough already. I'm tired of feeling hopeless.

Question is, how to I fix it? What do I do? It's no longer the idea of getting back on track so much as finding a completely new track, a new path to go down that I can handle. Thing is, I'm really drawing a blank on this one. No clue. These days, not a whole lot makes sense to me anymore and everything is just overwhelming. Funny, the only thing that really makes sense to me anymore is the weird MS junk I have to go through. The stuff is bonkers, MS has no real answers or solutions, but I at least know I have it and there is nothing I can do about it. Everything else? All that life, home, employment, money and people stuff? Those are the things where I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm not above accepting help, I'm not above anything anymore really. It's just, if I could settle in to something that works and live life like a normal person, that'd be great...

Alright, I know, it's not that easy for anyone. Especially these days. Know what though? I don't care. I don't give crap about everyone else. It may sound selfish, but really all I care about right now is stuff getting better for me and those close to me. Maybe once I get myself taken care of I can work on helping out others, but for now I really need to work on my situation because it's been too damn long and all of it is really starting to take its toll on me and those around me. So I say to the universe, to the powers that be out there floating around, to the fates that decide where I go next, and I guess to anyone who wants to listen: Look, I could really use a hand. I'm stuck in this hole, I'm lost and I dropped my map somewhere along the way. If you could maybe help me out, I'm trying to find my way back towards civilization.

Request

I have one request... How about I get some effing work, huh? Screw this bullcrap I have right now. Someone just give me an actual job already, would ya?

Wiggin' Out

I'm starting to freak out about money. That's the one thing that has always made me nervous. I know I'm not the only one, and especially in these economic times it's something that has lots of people worried. At this point though, it's gotten to the point where it's one of the things that I am constantly thinking about. Obsessing over something so negative just isn't good, not at all. Stress isn't good. That's on the first page of the MS Handbook. That and "You might wanna wear kneepads 'cause you're probably gonna fall".

It doesn't help that my job just isn't compatible with me and all my lameness. I always feel like shit by the time I finish for the day and I'm fairly certain all the crappyness is what led to the MS acting up and screwing up my vision. Now I have all this anxiety about going back. The last thing I want is to end up with some permanent damage. It's not like it's a ridiculous thought either. My hands are a constant reminder of what permanent damage feels like.

I think a new job, something at a desk or whatever, might be just the thing to help. Thing is though, I can't seem to find one. At least find one that would want me. Turns out I'm not the most desirable employee. Who knew?! I guess someone with a twisty, creative, illogical brain isn't really compatible with the places that are hiring. It's gotta happen sometime though, right?

So all this stuff has my mind in a panic and I feel myself starting to scramble. Of course I've been doing the looking for a new job thing. I have been actively doing that bit for a while now. I have also been thinking about selling some of my stuff. Thing is though, I really don't have much to sell. I could have a yard sale or something, but that's really not going to get me much. No one wants some crappy DVDs if I don't even want them anymore. Porkys anyone?

I did decide to sell these keepsake/gift boxes though. They are made from vintage record covers and are really cool. I made them for myself and I've made them as gifts too (with more gifts inside!). I am taking the four I have left and putting them up for sale on Etsy. Started my own shop and everything! I guess if they sell I can maybe make some more and sell them too. It'd be nice to actually MAKE some money rather than lose it to medical expenses and the like.

Oh, also, on a side note: I've started a site to highlight some of my photography. The web address is davilaphotography.wordpress.com. I figure I can put up some of my work and possibly get people interested. Maybe eventually I can sell matted/framed prints or something. Would you wanna buy one?

Employment vs. Enjoyment: The Insanity Stops Here

Holy hell, I actually have options. I'm in the thick of it, having already started one job, and now I hear from another one. Maybe it was intuition or something, but earlier I had a feeling this might happen. Not in this exact way though. Here's what I thought might happen - I figured that I would get the low paying job first, and then struggle with whether to take that job or wait for the one that'll pay me more money...

Here's what actually happened though. I had to screw someone over. That's what happened. But self-preservation though, right? That's the number one law of living things, kill or be killed. Screw someone over before you end up screwed yourself. I got the high paying job with the offer for a place to stay rent free. Sounds awesome, right? Well, the guy who was handing all this to me, an old college acquaintance, he tells me he is leaving the country to teach in the Middle East. I can take over his job teaching ESL downtown he says. He tells me I can stay in his house so I don't have to commute. It's easy money and I'd get the job no problem he says. It's a few hours work for big money. Well, of course I am gonna say yes. I need money, and I need to move away from the family home...

So slowly the weird vibes start to add up. He tells me if they ask, I worked for some imaginary ESL school. He tells me never to say anything about where he is going to anyone, ever. He tells the people at this job that he has a family emergency. He doesn't tell his family where he is going. This school takes no attendance and gives no tests or grades. The house? Not a great neighborhood to say the least. I would also apparently have to deal with a grandfather who may or may not come by at any time. I could go on and on about all the weird crap, but one thing really got to me. First day of work I ask if I need to fill out a W-2 form for taxes. They tell me no, just my social, thats all, no W-2... Okay, what in the HELL? Yea. Seriously.

So I figured I had to just roll with it, weird vibes and all. That's what I did the first day, I rolled with it. Even though the first class had a whopping ONE student and the second class had a record attendance of ONE student, I rolled with it. I had no other prospects. The last job I interviewed for I hadn't heard from for three weeks. Plus this one pays more. Then IT HAPPENED. I got a call, during my first day of work, in the middle of the first class... It's Blockbuster (three weeks late!). They want me, they want me at a location closer than expected, and they wanna make me a shift leader when I finish training. It's not as much money, but, hello!, less bad vibes and more W-2 forms! So I freak out. I have no clue what to do because I am just overwhelmed with the recent occurrences. My mind just explodes. Pop! After some talking it out with family though, I make the obvious decision. Less money, but less shady dealings. No moving away from home yet, but no worries about the neighborhood or random strange grandpa appearances.

Well, I told Mr. College Acquaintance I was out and he flipped. I suspected that would happen and I accept it as a burned bridge, a tally in the loss column. I had to do what I had to do. Oh well. All I know is I feel much calmer about my new situation with Blockbuster than I did with weirdo-vibes central over there. I'll still be at home here in Pomona but I totally made the right decision.

You know what? I got lots of well-wishes and good lucks from people about work today, and I think your combined efforts really came through for me. Thanks to any and everyone who helped me out with your positivity. It worked! Big hugs and Hershey's chocolate kisses to all of you who contributed! I appreciate mucho. Proof that you can make a difference... Shaman Power!

It's Not So Bad

As I wake up this morning and reflect on yesterday's events (the whole establishing that I'm going to be working thing) I am just slightly calmer about the matter. Just slightly. I'm still super wary and pessimistic about it, but now I am also giving in. I'm giving in to the whole situation. Knowing that I will allow myself to quit at any time, despite any burned bridges it may cause, it is seeming less like a bad idea and more like an experiment. Well, at least that us what I am trying to tell myself.

The "allowing myself to quit" and "burning bridges" stuff is fairly new to me. I've always been more concerned with my actions effects on other people rather than on me. I've made selfish decisions before, but I don't think I've ever actually made a concious effort to do so. These days, with the introduction of the Sclerosis of Multiple proportions, I've begun to realize that I am gonna have to start being more selfish. I have to look out for myself and my own interests. I don't have the luxury to worry about anyone else, not right now. Not when it's hard enough just trying to take care if myself.

All I know is that after about a month or so, things should look a lot clearer. There's nothing like actually being in the middle of insanity to prove that it isn't so bad. I know this very well. I've been living as an insane person for quite a while, and as far as I can tell, I'm not so bad.

Out of the Ordinary

So let's start this off MS Style! I just finished my 13th shot of Avonex just now. 13 is a good number, right?! Super lucky? I might be mistaken, but 13 is the number of people who weren't murdered, didn't lose everything, and never ever ever had bad luck... ever.

Moving on. So I have three big things I'd like to discuss. Three events that happened that were very much out of the ordinary. Ordinary for me is never finding fun, a job, or friends. The fact that I get to talk about all three of these things in this post is actually pretty huge for me, so gimmie that hug or pat on the back (or butt), 'cause I totally deserve it.

So here goes:

FUN! So the other night I went to a get-together for old co-workers from my last job. Whaaaaat?! Yea, I never go to those things. I always avoided hanging out with work people outside work. They are WORK people, not OUTSIDE people. Well, now we aren't co-workers, and they thought to invite me, so I went! Sooo glad I did too. After the bankruptcy and liquidation over a year ago, I hadn't seen most of these people and it was pretty fun to see some of them. The restaurant was super loud and crowded, so I actually couldn't hear much except what went on at my end of the table, but that's okay 'cause I had a great time chatting with the people I could hear, especially Brian & Heather. So yea, fun times. Expensive meal though. Jeebus. Some places really know how to stick it to ya.

JOB! Okay, so this is a strange one. My friend is leaving the area for a long while and offered me the opportunity to take over his spot in some ESL school (The Wilshire Language School) downtown. I know, I don't live downtown. I guess I'm gonna be staying at his place too. Yea, weird. I hate staying at a house that isn't mine (it has stranger-house smell and stranger furniture!), but I guess I have to if I'm gonna be able to take the job... The job? Well, it seems fairly easy. Have people read, read aloud, answer questions, whatever. I asked my friend and he said they don't give grades. They don't seem to care about attendance either. The whole thing sounds a bit odd to me, which makes me nervous. When I was mid-freak-out and looking to talk it out with someone, Anna told me I should just do it. If I decide it's bad news bears I should just leave. So I guess I'm just gonna jump in and hope the water is fine.

FRIENDS! Here was the coolest thing I got to do in the past week. I got to see Dana! She was passing through LAX switching planes on her way to see Jackie. So I got my lazy self out of bed, hopped on the Metrolink train, arrived at L.A. Union Station, hopped on a shuttle and got to LAX. When I got there I waited and when the time came I excitedly watched as people emerged. Anticipation built... until she called and told me I was totally at the wrong gate. Damon is as cool as always! So we met up halfway and I was a total awkward nerd-geek. I gave her what I hope was a cool mini present that may also have been offensive (a tiny therapist that you drop in water and it grows), and we walked over to the area she needed to be at for her next flight. We talked, we talked, and we talked (yay!). Then I almost convinced myself to tag along on her trip. Then she took my picture and we took a picture together (thanks to an old dude who TOTALLY disappeared afterwards... Thanks ghost dude!). Then it was time for her to go. I was sad to see her go. The moment seemed to pass so fast. I probably seemed like an ginormous weirdo or whatever, but I thought she was super neato. If I get the chance, I'd definitely visit her and spend more than an hour with my MS Buddy. Then again, an hour with me might have been enough...

So, that was lots to go over and I am tired and can't think of a clever way to end this. Also, you readers may have fallen asleep trying to read this super long post.

Your welcome insomniacs!