Return of the Rentals

Considering resurrecting this blog. Not sure why? Maybe just to have an outlet again I guess.

My MS has been okay. No relapses, which is good. But I still struggle with the stuff I got. The depression. The anxiety. The anger. The fear. The isolation. The numbness. The medications. The side effects. It's all so overwhelming. I thought about therapy but when I gave it a shot it made me agitated. So now I'm on an anti-depressant. It makes me feel sorta dead inside, which sucks. I liked feeling like I had emotions and cared about things.

Relationship came and went. People come and go. I don't know if I really can count on anyone anymore. I don't really have anyone I can fully open up to. Sure, I've distanced myself from some people, but I can't have people in my life who can't be honest with me or treat me with the respect that I deserve. So I guess I'll resign myself to basic friendships of limited conversation, never really going past the superficial. Shrug.

On a positive note, these days I run an account on Twitter, @VoicesOfMS and it seems to be doing well. It gets new followers all the time and people seem to use it the way I had intended it, to connect with each other, so that's great. It's really a good idea - Echo (retweet) what people are saying about their MS and then other people with MS will recognize similar feelings and see that they aren't alone. No stuff about the latest fad diets or supposed cures or anything divisive like that, or using it to promote other things, just a platform for people with MS to have their feelings heard.

Well, like I said at the beginning of this entry, I am only considering resurrecting this blog, so maybe don't stay tuned for the next entry?

Public Opinion

I've always been pretty crap in social situations. Everyone who knows me, knows that to be true. It takes more than just a first meeting to see the person I am and it takes A LOT more to see the person that I can be. The only thing is, it takes more than one or two contrived social interactions to get to that point.

I won't say I don't care completely what other peoples opinions are of me. Whether it's trying to make new friends, maintain the ones I have, or make a good impression for other reasons, people and their opinion of me can matter. At this point though, I can't be bothered to worry about such things. I've got enough on my mind to care what anyone thinks of me.

Of course I'm not gonna be dead about it, and just not care. The mean stuff is still gonna hurt a bit. Right now though, I've got it all narrowed down. I hold some people and their opinions way above everyone else, and in doing so, I'm able to care a lot less what others think. As long as I have those people who see me for who I am, love me and care about me, I could really give a damn about anyone else or what they think.

Now it might be selfish or self-centered to also push other people and their feelings aside in the process. All just to maintain my own sense of happiness and stability and reach that place where I can maintain a truly happy life. Thing is, life is way too short and way too unpredictable to worry about every single person and how they feel and what they will think. I have to look out for MY-self and for those that I love above all else. If I can do that, I'll definitely be able to be proud of myself.

You Might Be Friends With A Turd

Multiple Sclerosis is an odd little bastard. It does some messed up stuff to some people. It took away some of the feeling in my hands and I was super pissed about that for a while, but I've moved on. For now at least. The thing is, despite all the shitty things it does, there is at least one big positive that MS brings about if you let it.

When I first started to deal with this mess, I posted a random bit of "oh, why me? why MS?" on Twitter and out of the wilderness came a few kind responses from people I didn't know. These were people I'd never talked to before and yet they offered words of encouragement. I was a bit weirded out, seeing as I don't talk to strangers (or even people I actually DO know), but I decided to choose one of those strangers (hi Dana!) and reply back. The replies went back and forth. It was the early stages of what became a genuine friendship.

I say "MS Friends" to people, which may make it sound like it is not as important or on the same level as a normal friendship but that isn't the case at all. I care deeply for the few real friends I have. It doesn't matter if they have MS or not. The interesting thing though is how deep a connection or bond can be made between people you don't even get to see. They become like long lost friends you talk to online because they've since moved far far away.

Why do I mention this stuff today? Well, one of my MS Friends, is going to be in for something big. Jackie (from over at MSUnderstood) will be going through a 3 stage process of a total colectomy. Now I haven't known Jackie for an eternity, but at the same time she is definitely one of those long lost friends. We haven't met face to face and yet I care about her deeply and wish nothing but the best for her. Hearing the news hit me just as much as if I had heard it from a family member (and not one of those cousins I could give a a crap about, I'm talking immediate family!). If I was one of those people who prayed, she'd be in my prayers. I guess she'll just have to settle for my best wishes.

The point of all this is, while MS is a bitch there is one thing that I am glad it gave me. Friendships. There is an MS community out there, and just like a regular community it's filled with all sorts of people. Of course there are weirdos and annoying people and those you'd rather not talk to, but that's just like your local community. I definitely encourage getting out there into the community and finding those few individuals you click with. MS sucks hard, but having friends who you can rely on for moral support for that junk (and life in general) is a good thing and you are missing out if you don't have that already.

Take care Jackie, I'm rooting for you!

Employment vs. Enjoyment: The Insanity Stops Here

Holy hell, I actually have options. I'm in the thick of it, having already started one job, and now I hear from another one. Maybe it was intuition or something, but earlier I had a feeling this might happen. Not in this exact way though. Here's what I thought might happen - I figured that I would get the low paying job first, and then struggle with whether to take that job or wait for the one that'll pay me more money...

Here's what actually happened though. I had to screw someone over. That's what happened. But self-preservation though, right? That's the number one law of living things, kill or be killed. Screw someone over before you end up screwed yourself. I got the high paying job with the offer for a place to stay rent free. Sounds awesome, right? Well, the guy who was handing all this to me, an old college acquaintance, he tells me he is leaving the country to teach in the Middle East. I can take over his job teaching ESL downtown he says. He tells me I can stay in his house so I don't have to commute. It's easy money and I'd get the job no problem he says. It's a few hours work for big money. Well, of course I am gonna say yes. I need money, and I need to move away from the family home...

So slowly the weird vibes start to add up. He tells me if they ask, I worked for some imaginary ESL school. He tells me never to say anything about where he is going to anyone, ever. He tells the people at this job that he has a family emergency. He doesn't tell his family where he is going. This school takes no attendance and gives no tests or grades. The house? Not a great neighborhood to say the least. I would also apparently have to deal with a grandfather who may or may not come by at any time. I could go on and on about all the weird crap, but one thing really got to me. First day of work I ask if I need to fill out a W-2 form for taxes. They tell me no, just my social, thats all, no W-2... Okay, what in the HELL? Yea. Seriously.

So I figured I had to just roll with it, weird vibes and all. That's what I did the first day, I rolled with it. Even though the first class had a whopping ONE student and the second class had a record attendance of ONE student, I rolled with it. I had no other prospects. The last job I interviewed for I hadn't heard from for three weeks. Plus this one pays more. Then IT HAPPENED. I got a call, during my first day of work, in the middle of the first class... It's Blockbuster (three weeks late!). They want me, they want me at a location closer than expected, and they wanna make me a shift leader when I finish training. It's not as much money, but, hello!, less bad vibes and more W-2 forms! So I freak out. I have no clue what to do because I am just overwhelmed with the recent occurrences. My mind just explodes. Pop! After some talking it out with family though, I make the obvious decision. Less money, but less shady dealings. No moving away from home yet, but no worries about the neighborhood or random strange grandpa appearances.

Well, I told Mr. College Acquaintance I was out and he flipped. I suspected that would happen and I accept it as a burned bridge, a tally in the loss column. I had to do what I had to do. Oh well. All I know is I feel much calmer about my new situation with Blockbuster than I did with weirdo-vibes central over there. I'll still be at home here in Pomona but I totally made the right decision.

You know what? I got lots of well-wishes and good lucks from people about work today, and I think your combined efforts really came through for me. Thanks to any and everyone who helped me out with your positivity. It worked! Big hugs and Hershey's chocolate kisses to all of you who contributed! I appreciate mucho. Proof that you can make a difference... Shaman Power!

Out of the Ordinary

So let's start this off MS Style! I just finished my 13th shot of Avonex just now. 13 is a good number, right?! Super lucky? I might be mistaken, but 13 is the number of people who weren't murdered, didn't lose everything, and never ever ever had bad luck... ever.

Moving on. So I have three big things I'd like to discuss. Three events that happened that were very much out of the ordinary. Ordinary for me is never finding fun, a job, or friends. The fact that I get to talk about all three of these things in this post is actually pretty huge for me, so gimmie that hug or pat on the back (or butt), 'cause I totally deserve it.

So here goes:

FUN! So the other night I went to a get-together for old co-workers from my last job. Whaaaaat?! Yea, I never go to those things. I always avoided hanging out with work people outside work. They are WORK people, not OUTSIDE people. Well, now we aren't co-workers, and they thought to invite me, so I went! Sooo glad I did too. After the bankruptcy and liquidation over a year ago, I hadn't seen most of these people and it was pretty fun to see some of them. The restaurant was super loud and crowded, so I actually couldn't hear much except what went on at my end of the table, but that's okay 'cause I had a great time chatting with the people I could hear, especially Brian & Heather. So yea, fun times. Expensive meal though. Jeebus. Some places really know how to stick it to ya.

JOB! Okay, so this is a strange one. My friend is leaving the area for a long while and offered me the opportunity to take over his spot in some ESL school (The Wilshire Language School) downtown. I know, I don't live downtown. I guess I'm gonna be staying at his place too. Yea, weird. I hate staying at a house that isn't mine (it has stranger-house smell and stranger furniture!), but I guess I have to if I'm gonna be able to take the job... The job? Well, it seems fairly easy. Have people read, read aloud, answer questions, whatever. I asked my friend and he said they don't give grades. They don't seem to care about attendance either. The whole thing sounds a bit odd to me, which makes me nervous. When I was mid-freak-out and looking to talk it out with someone, Anna told me I should just do it. If I decide it's bad news bears I should just leave. So I guess I'm just gonna jump in and hope the water is fine.

FRIENDS! Here was the coolest thing I got to do in the past week. I got to see Dana! She was passing through LAX switching planes on her way to see Jackie. So I got my lazy self out of bed, hopped on the Metrolink train, arrived at L.A. Union Station, hopped on a shuttle and got to LAX. When I got there I waited and when the time came I excitedly watched as people emerged. Anticipation built... until she called and told me I was totally at the wrong gate. Damon is as cool as always! So we met up halfway and I was a total awkward nerd-geek. I gave her what I hope was a cool mini present that may also have been offensive (a tiny therapist that you drop in water and it grows), and we walked over to the area she needed to be at for her next flight. We talked, we talked, and we talked (yay!). Then I almost convinced myself to tag along on her trip. Then she took my picture and we took a picture together (thanks to an old dude who TOTALLY disappeared afterwards... Thanks ghost dude!). Then it was time for her to go. I was sad to see her go. The moment seemed to pass so fast. I probably seemed like an ginormous weirdo or whatever, but I thought she was super neato. If I get the chance, I'd definitely visit her and spend more than an hour with my MS Buddy. Then again, an hour with me might have been enough...

So, that was lots to go over and I am tired and can't think of a clever way to end this. Also, you readers may have fallen asleep trying to read this super long post.

Your welcome insomniacs!

Predictions

This week is going to be very interesting. I am in for some major highs and probably some major lows too. I expect that I am going to be ALL over the place mood-wise. I think though, that if everything goes right I will be a happy camper. But if things don't go exactly as I want, I am gonna be super bummed or extra pissed-off. Just thinking about it all right now makes me kinda freaked. Well, maybe I'll be able to talk about it all by next week. We'll see...

Um, yea... I don't text. I'm an octogenarian*.

I've never been a social being. Always a loner or almost one. I've always been able to count the amount of friends I had on one hand (if that hand belonged to a bad shop teacher or Vietnam vet). These days are no different, but I feel myself wanting to change that. That's weird though, because generally speaking, I hate people.

Seriously. Just about everyone either gets on my nerves or I get on theirs. I am a square peg in a world of round holes. I really don't have much to lose though, so I guess it's about time I accept people when they say they actually want to be my friend (weirdos!). Or maybe I can actually tell people, "Hey, I want to be your friend".

What do I have to be afraid of anyway? Well, there's always things like this... (Give it time, the text is a winner!)


Yea, totally frightening. I know. I think I saw it in one of the last Final Destination movies. The seventh one. The one in space. Or was it underwater? Either way. Totally awful. I feel bad for that guy. Mario needs to learn proper etiquette.

Okay, so I am a total weenie, but I am just not good in social situations. If I am in a crowd, even if it's family, I find myself panicking. I NEED to extract myself from the room immediately. It's scary. I am good one-on-one though. After I relax a little, I can actually be pretty funny. Some have even said charming (and no, they weren't drooling AND wearing a helmet. Just one or the other). I've even been known to make a good impression when introduced to other people. Maybe because they don't get to know me well enough. Or maybe I just don't see what others see.

We can't all be Mr. Confident though, right? Otherwise there would be more seasons of Tool Academy on VH1. Frightening, I know. I definitely don't want spikey hair with frosted tips. I don't want to call anyone "bro", at least to their face. Maybe some people will actually find me interesting or nice BECAUSE I'm not one of those guys. I sure hope so, cause a fat dude with frosted tips just looks like an outcast from New Jersey. NO ONE likes an outcast from New Jersey.

*In case you weren't sure, an "octogenarian" is a person in their eighties. So they are tooootally old.