Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Welcome to the Dark Corners of My Mind
My day today was uneventful, but interesting indeed. Not for me, but I am sure for those within my reach. I think I let my emotions get the best of me and my depressive side really stepped up and took over. It made for a pretty embarrassing day.
I decided to say things I probably never should have, and expressed stuff... stuff I knew was probably a mistake in the first place. I decided to just let a certain part of me take control and make decisions for my own interests, without consideration for anyone else. I mean, that is what I still want to do anyway if I'm gonna be honest. I would continue down that path if I could, but I think I hold the feelings of some people over my own. And here I thought I was a selfish individual. I guess this time, not so much. Evolution!
Oh well, these blah days happen. It's normal or something. I'd just rather they didn't happen as much. They happen to me lots these days. Oh well, just got to roll with the punches, let it pass, and whatever happens, it happens. It's just part of my life. If you wanna be in it you gotta expect it to happen. Except, I'd just rather not run people off. I have a very small number of true friends as it is.
Ugh. That reminds me of anther thing that bugs me. It's like, okay Damon, you have had enough trouble as it is with the whole social thing. Never been a winner on that front. Guess what, now it's gonna be harder! Seriously?!? So now I gotta throw in some unpredictable crazy moods, an uncooperative body (that I mean, come on, was never gonna win any awards anyway), and all this other crazy shit? Yea, I'm a freakin' catch. You know, if someone ever decides to put up with me on a permanent basis, I am pretty sure they are certifiably insane. Good thing I like insane.
Well, enough rambling for now. Tune in next time when the topic of discussion will be - "Mayonnaise: Condiment or Super-Gross Devil Concoction"
I decided to say things I probably never should have, and expressed stuff... stuff I knew was probably a mistake in the first place. I decided to just let a certain part of me take control and make decisions for my own interests, without consideration for anyone else. I mean, that is what I still want to do anyway if I'm gonna be honest. I would continue down that path if I could, but I think I hold the feelings of some people over my own. And here I thought I was a selfish individual. I guess this time, not so much. Evolution!
Oh well, these blah days happen. It's normal or something. I'd just rather they didn't happen as much. They happen to me lots these days. Oh well, just got to roll with the punches, let it pass, and whatever happens, it happens. It's just part of my life. If you wanna be in it you gotta expect it to happen. Except, I'd just rather not run people off. I have a very small number of true friends as it is.
Ugh. That reminds me of anther thing that bugs me. It's like, okay Damon, you have had enough trouble as it is with the whole social thing. Never been a winner on that front. Guess what, now it's gonna be harder! Seriously?!? So now I gotta throw in some unpredictable crazy moods, an uncooperative body (that I mean, come on, was never gonna win any awards anyway), and all this other crazy shit? Yea, I'm a freakin' catch. You know, if someone ever decides to put up with me on a permanent basis, I am pretty sure they are certifiably insane. Good thing I like insane.
Well, enough rambling for now. Tune in next time when the topic of discussion will be - "Mayonnaise: Condiment or Super-Gross Devil Concoction"
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Secrets & Lies
Um, okay, so I never go into situations with a plan. It just doesn't happen. If I start to think about how I should enter into a situation, or how I should handle certain stuff, I just end up thinking TOO hard on the matter at hand. Overthinking at it's finest.
How does it look from this angle? From that angle? What are all the possible outcomes? How can I make it so that all the negative results are canceled out and only the good stuff remains? Determine all the possible moves and their end results and figure out what is best... You know, I'm beginning to think that my childhood has screwed me over.
What do I mean by that? Well, okay, so here's an example - Choose Your Own Adventure books. Yes, those books were AWESOME! I mean you start reading a story and at some point you're presented with options as to what sort of action to take. It continues on like that. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. Sometimes you cheat and turn back the pages to that crucial fork in the road. The point is, with these books, you start to really focus on decision-making and the numerous pitfalls that can result from making the wrong move. Seriously! Sometimes you would actually fall DOWN A PIT!
All I know is that it's exactly what I tend to do with all of life's decisions. I think about all these things. I analyze and pick and prod until I get fed up and tell myself to forget the whole thing. Either that or I come to a conclusion, but by then the opportunity has passed. No matter what, I end up screwing myself out of experiences because I don't wanna fall down a pit and admit I made a stupid mistake.
So what I have been trying to do is just ignore my natural tendencies and try and be a bit more impulsive. A bit more brazen. A bit more adventurous. Of course I'm not gonna be wild and crazy, that's just not me. I am low key. Still, I am gonna do a few things that I probably wouldn't do otherwise. If I end up doing something stupid, so be it. At least I did it. Plus, I am confident that I am at least smart enough to make certain decisions that will keep me from ending up completely screwed.
I might end up pissing some people off though. If one of them is you, well, sorry!
How does it look from this angle? From that angle? What are all the possible outcomes? How can I make it so that all the negative results are canceled out and only the good stuff remains? Determine all the possible moves and their end results and figure out what is best... You know, I'm beginning to think that my childhood has screwed me over.
What do I mean by that? Well, okay, so here's an example - Choose Your Own Adventure books. Yes, those books were AWESOME! I mean you start reading a story and at some point you're presented with options as to what sort of action to take. It continues on like that. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. Sometimes you cheat and turn back the pages to that crucial fork in the road. The point is, with these books, you start to really focus on decision-making and the numerous pitfalls that can result from making the wrong move. Seriously! Sometimes you would actually fall DOWN A PIT!
All I know is that it's exactly what I tend to do with all of life's decisions. I think about all these things. I analyze and pick and prod until I get fed up and tell myself to forget the whole thing. Either that or I come to a conclusion, but by then the opportunity has passed. No matter what, I end up screwing myself out of experiences because I don't wanna fall down a pit and admit I made a stupid mistake.
So what I have been trying to do is just ignore my natural tendencies and try and be a bit more impulsive. A bit more brazen. A bit more adventurous. Of course I'm not gonna be wild and crazy, that's just not me. I am low key. Still, I am gonna do a few things that I probably wouldn't do otherwise. If I end up doing something stupid, so be it. At least I did it. Plus, I am confident that I am at least smart enough to make certain decisions that will keep me from ending up completely screwed.
I might end up pissing some people off though. If one of them is you, well, sorry!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Don't Say You'll Never Be Angry With Me, Just Say You'll Forgive Me
Got an appointment with my Neurologist in a few hours. First thing in the morning. I've actually been looking forward to it for a few days. Not exactly sure why I should look forward to such things. I could remember a time when the idea of going to see a doctor was nightmarish. I avoided doctors like they were gonna chop off my hoo-hoo-dilly. Then again, back then it was for stupid stuff like a flu or something. Stuff I could handle on my own with some over the counter medication and a little patience. Walk it off! Now here I am in a totally different situation, so I guess it's not that surprising that my attitude is different as well.
So I am going just as a check-in sort of thing. Last time I was in I was getting my off-work order extended so I could get more temporary disability checks while I searched for work. While I was there we discussed how I was feeling (no different, nothing new except the additional bad feelings from the seasonal weather changes). Then she tells me to come back in December so we could check in again and go over some blood tests I would take right before. So I've taken my tests (easy-peasy), and now I'm ready to go. I don't expect anything, but that could be why I actually look forward to these things. To reaffirm that there isn't anything new that is wrong with me. No news is good news, am I right?
I'm also planning on bringing up some of the brain issues I feel like I've got going on. I feel like I have serious memory problems. Sometimes I seem to *think* I see things, but I'm wrong. At times I'll overlook things a bunch before I actually see them. I'll also bring up how at work I get zapped after about an hour and a half when all I've really been doing is sorting and putting away movies. Maybe it's the being on my feet thing, maybe it's the brain stuff, maybe it's the combo. Either way it's a hurdle and while I don't think she can really do anything about it, I feel like I should mention it.
One thing I am NOT looking forward to is when they do that whole check my blood pressure and my weight thing. Now my blood pressure has never really been a problem, so I am not worried about that, but my weight isn't gonna be good. Nope. Not at all. By my estimates over this past year I've gained over 20 pounds. Ugh. I know, it's all pretty much my own fault, but we all know it's not that easy to take care of. Every time I get that spirit to exercise it lasts only so long and then my body just quits. The soreness sticks around longer and longer each time and the spirit to work out disappears. So, this weigh-in will just be another reminder of my downhill slide towards uggghs-ville. All I know is, while I'm aware I gotta work alot harder at doing better with all this stuff, I can only PRAY that someone will be able to look past my exterior mess and appreciate the Damon inside.
Well, I'm sure if anything actually interesting comes up at the appointment then I'll write it down here in my own weird sort of way. Otherwise, just assume that everything is as normal as it's gonna be for me, nothings changed, and that scale I was frowning at wasn't kind to me.
So I am going just as a check-in sort of thing. Last time I was in I was getting my off-work order extended so I could get more temporary disability checks while I searched for work. While I was there we discussed how I was feeling (no different, nothing new except the additional bad feelings from the seasonal weather changes). Then she tells me to come back in December so we could check in again and go over some blood tests I would take right before. So I've taken my tests (easy-peasy), and now I'm ready to go. I don't expect anything, but that could be why I actually look forward to these things. To reaffirm that there isn't anything new that is wrong with me. No news is good news, am I right?
I'm also planning on bringing up some of the brain issues I feel like I've got going on. I feel like I have serious memory problems. Sometimes I seem to *think* I see things, but I'm wrong. At times I'll overlook things a bunch before I actually see them. I'll also bring up how at work I get zapped after about an hour and a half when all I've really been doing is sorting and putting away movies. Maybe it's the being on my feet thing, maybe it's the brain stuff, maybe it's the combo. Either way it's a hurdle and while I don't think she can really do anything about it, I feel like I should mention it.
One thing I am NOT looking forward to is when they do that whole check my blood pressure and my weight thing. Now my blood pressure has never really been a problem, so I am not worried about that, but my weight isn't gonna be good. Nope. Not at all. By my estimates over this past year I've gained over 20 pounds. Ugh. I know, it's all pretty much my own fault, but we all know it's not that easy to take care of. Every time I get that spirit to exercise it lasts only so long and then my body just quits. The soreness sticks around longer and longer each time and the spirit to work out disappears. So, this weigh-in will just be another reminder of my downhill slide towards uggghs-ville. All I know is, while I'm aware I gotta work alot harder at doing better with all this stuff, I can only PRAY that someone will be able to look past my exterior mess and appreciate the Damon inside.
Well, I'm sure if anything actually interesting comes up at the appointment then I'll write it down here in my own weird sort of way. Otherwise, just assume that everything is as normal as it's gonna be for me, nothings changed, and that scale I was frowning at wasn't kind to me.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
A Foggy Day (In London Town)
So I feel like maybe if I write a blog entry, I might be able to gather all my loose thoughts that are floating around in this really thick fog of "guh?" that's up in my head right now. So, just ride the ride, it's not really cohesive but maybe if I add pictures it'll be interesting.
So while having a chat, I came to the conclusion that I need to not worry about certain things anymore. Like work. You know, if I get canned then I get canned. Oh well. I mean, I might be screwed, but if I am then it was bound to happen eventually. That may sound a bit defeatist but I swear that's not what it's meant to be. What I'm saying is I am going to do what I can, and that's all I can ask of myself. If that's not good enough for them then I really shouldn't be there. Same goes for people too. If they don't like me for all the cool stuff I do AS WELL as the awful, stupid, foot-in-mouth type stuff then it's just not meant to be or whatever. Either way, I am gonna go at it with a more hopeful attitude and I'm gonna tell you right now I'm really hopeful about a few things and a few people.
Vague!
So I started to write a children's book. Who knows if it's any good, but I think if I actually worked on it, it could be a nice little thing. Even if it gets finished, who knows if anything could be made of it. Think about this though, there are two people out there wearing shirts that have two different designs on them that I made. I made those designs. ME. And they're on a shirt. So why can't I write a children's book and have someone somewhere read this to their kid?
Possibilities!
I think I've found my new favorite outing. A couple that I am friends with are kind enough to open their apartment door and let me in and we entertain each other with TV, food, and fun (through various board/card games). Yes you guys, it really is that easy. I could be having the most crappy of weeks, but being able to get out and do something simple and get some lots-of-laughs really brings up my spirits. If you're reading, you guys deserve a T.A.B.!
Thanks A Bunch!
The Internet is a weird place. I mean, I've never been so "socially networked" like I am now. Some of you I've never met, but we can say things to each other, have an inside joke or something, and we might even have conversations that end up putting a smile on my face. These talks could even end up surprising me and actually have a major impact on my life and it's future. You never know. People are surprising. I may even surprise you darlings out there.
I'm talking to you!
I really need to work on living a better, healthier, more aware of my MS type life. I go around basically ignoring good-sense until symptoms slap me in the face like a pimp looking for his money. I should learn some skills or something. Maybe that'll be my New Year's Resolution.
Goals!
I try and be completely honest with people. Sometimes I say too much.
Shut Your Mouth! (Shaft!)
Okay, well, this took me quite a while to write and rewrite and clean up all the typos and things that made no sense (stupid brain!). Did it help clear the fog? A little. I think it made some space and got me to focus on one thing at a time instead of everything all at once. Now if I can find my missing ticket I'm looking for, that'd be great. Later haters!
So while having a chat, I came to the conclusion that I need to not worry about certain things anymore. Like work. You know, if I get canned then I get canned. Oh well. I mean, I might be screwed, but if I am then it was bound to happen eventually. That may sound a bit defeatist but I swear that's not what it's meant to be. What I'm saying is I am going to do what I can, and that's all I can ask of myself. If that's not good enough for them then I really shouldn't be there. Same goes for people too. If they don't like me for all the cool stuff I do AS WELL as the awful, stupid, foot-in-mouth type stuff then it's just not meant to be or whatever. Either way, I am gonna go at it with a more hopeful attitude and I'm gonna tell you right now I'm really hopeful about a few things and a few people.
Vague!
So I started to write a children's book. Who knows if it's any good, but I think if I actually worked on it, it could be a nice little thing. Even if it gets finished, who knows if anything could be made of it. Think about this though, there are two people out there wearing shirts that have two different designs on them that I made. I made those designs. ME. And they're on a shirt. So why can't I write a children's book and have someone somewhere read this to their kid?
Possibilities!
I think I've found my new favorite outing. A couple that I am friends with are kind enough to open their apartment door and let me in and we entertain each other with TV, food, and fun (through various board/card games). Yes you guys, it really is that easy. I could be having the most crappy of weeks, but being able to get out and do something simple and get some lots-of-laughs really brings up my spirits. If you're reading, you guys deserve a T.A.B.!
Thanks A Bunch!
The Internet is a weird place. I mean, I've never been so "socially networked" like I am now. Some of you I've never met, but we can say things to each other, have an inside joke or something, and we might even have conversations that end up putting a smile on my face. These talks could even end up surprising me and actually have a major impact on my life and it's future. You never know. People are surprising. I may even surprise you darlings out there.
I'm talking to you!
I really need to work on living a better, healthier, more aware of my MS type life. I go around basically ignoring good-sense until symptoms slap me in the face like a pimp looking for his money. I should learn some skills or something. Maybe that'll be my New Year's Resolution.
Goals!
I try and be completely honest with people. Sometimes I say too much.
Shut Your Mouth! (Shaft!)
Okay, well, this took me quite a while to write and rewrite and clean up all the typos and things that made no sense (stupid brain!). Did it help clear the fog? A little. I think it made some space and got me to focus on one thing at a time instead of everything all at once. Now if I can find my missing ticket I'm looking for, that'd be great. Later haters!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Pleasantville
I've been whining, haven't I? That's what a blog is for anyways. Yep. Still, I'm gonna admit it and and make a promise to you fine folks. You guys, I'm gonna stop complaining (lies) and I'm gonna be totally entertaining (optimism at best) and I'm gonna be positive (maybe, we'll see...). Totally!
Anyway. Let me discuss some of the good stuff that's been going on. For onesies, I've been having fun talking to people and not being all solitary confinement. That's been nice. I love you people. Some more than others obviously! A big thanks to you guys for keeping me company and making my days a bit more enjoyable.
For twosies, today I went submitted an application for enrollment for some Living Well With MS program that will start sometime in the new year. Their last session got canceled for under-enrollment (I found out too late to enroll, so I guess that was partially my fault. Sorry!). So maybe I will actually learn a thing or two and start to do things better or something. You know, be good about stuff. Optimism!
Threesies! I've decided to be daring. Yea, daring. Okay, so it may not actually happen, at least not all at once. All I know is, if I see an opportunity pop up and I start to hesitate, I'm gonna try and be all gung-ho and just go for it! Look, that's not really my nature, so it's not gonna be easy, but I'm gonna give it a shot. Who knows what'll happen, but if something cool does happen, you'll be the first to know!
Okay, well, there's my latest update. I know, totally exciting right? You almost peed your pants! Next time brace yourself... and maybe take a pass on that 7-11 Super Big Gulp.
Anyway. Let me discuss some of the good stuff that's been going on. For onesies, I've been having fun talking to people and not being all solitary confinement. That's been nice. I love you people. Some more than others obviously! A big thanks to you guys for keeping me company and making my days a bit more enjoyable.
For twosies, today I went submitted an application for enrollment for some Living Well With MS program that will start sometime in the new year. Their last session got canceled for under-enrollment (I found out too late to enroll, so I guess that was partially my fault. Sorry!). So maybe I will actually learn a thing or two and start to do things better or something. You know, be good about stuff. Optimism!
Threesies! I've decided to be daring. Yea, daring. Okay, so it may not actually happen, at least not all at once. All I know is, if I see an opportunity pop up and I start to hesitate, I'm gonna try and be all gung-ho and just go for it! Look, that's not really my nature, so it's not gonna be easy, but I'm gonna give it a shot. Who knows what'll happen, but if something cool does happen, you'll be the first to know!
Okay, well, there's my latest update. I know, totally exciting right? You almost peed your pants! Next time brace yourself... and maybe take a pass on that 7-11 Super Big Gulp.
Tee Two: Judgement Day
Someone bought the other T-shirt I designed. They didn't wanna send in a picture of themselves wearing it, but sent in a picture of the shirt anyway. Here it is:
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