Thanks Internet! Your funny pictures make me LOL
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Internet is Magic
The Internet is an amazing thing-a-ma-bob. It opens up a world community and allows for others to share ideas and opinions. Seems though, the most of the time people are very unwavering in their beliefs and so a discussion of opinions almost always seems to reach a point of argument. The magic of the Internet though, lies here -
Thanks Internet! Your funny pictures make me LOL
Thanks Internet! Your funny pictures make me LOL
Friday, July 23, 2010
People...
People make me sad a lot of the time.
Maybe I am just such a different person than most people. To most I am just a funny person. Then they figure out I am fairly reserved and pretty guarded. What some people end up realizing is that I am actually something else altogether. I'm emotional, caring, protective, and sympathetic to those I hold dear. I give a lot of myself to others even if they don't realize or appreciate it. At the same time, I am also pretty moody and touchy about stuff. Sensitive to what is said to me or how I'm treated. I hold friends and people I care about in high regard, so when I feel like they don't do the same I end up feeling pretty hurt.
Sometimes I question if it's all in my head. Maybe I overreact or I judge others harshly. Should I expect so much from people? When I ask these questions, usually I end end up getting angry with myself. "Yes, you ARE overreacting. No, you SHOULDN'T expect so much from people. You are a crazy person and you're lucky enough that anyone would even want to spend a small amount of time with you!" Somehow I've turned it all around on myself. This makes me figure that yea, it probably is just my issues and not the fault of others.
So the question becomes, do people make me sad or is it that I make myself sad for caring about people?
Maybe I am just such a different person than most people. To most I am just a funny person. Then they figure out I am fairly reserved and pretty guarded. What some people end up realizing is that I am actually something else altogether. I'm emotional, caring, protective, and sympathetic to those I hold dear. I give a lot of myself to others even if they don't realize or appreciate it. At the same time, I am also pretty moody and touchy about stuff. Sensitive to what is said to me or how I'm treated. I hold friends and people I care about in high regard, so when I feel like they don't do the same I end up feeling pretty hurt.
Sometimes I question if it's all in my head. Maybe I overreact or I judge others harshly. Should I expect so much from people? When I ask these questions, usually I end end up getting angry with myself. "Yes, you ARE overreacting. No, you SHOULDN'T expect so much from people. You are a crazy person and you're lucky enough that anyone would even want to spend a small amount of time with you!" Somehow I've turned it all around on myself. This makes me figure that yea, it probably is just my issues and not the fault of others.
So the question becomes, do people make me sad or is it that I make myself sad for caring about people?
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Enough Space
I understand that I am extremely blessed. In times such as these, to have a place to stay makes me a lucky man. When I have a job that will barely let me work at all, resulting in me only making enough money to pay off my medical insurance bill each month, having my family to keep me from being homeless is something to be grateful for. Too bad I am an ingrate.
Seriously, this situation is just NOT working for me. It is beyond frustrating to be here and have no space of my own. I can't even keep all of my clothes in the same room, let alone a room I can call mine. I have a bed in a corner with a small bookshelf next to it. That's basically it. Everything else is either stashed or stored or in a hallway or under a bed. Of course I am not unwelcome here, but really, how am I supposed to feel when I know I just don't fit in?
Want to hear something sad? I basically stay up late at night, not because I am a nite-owl or anything like that, but because I am waiting for a moment where people finally go away to their own beds and I get a moment of peace. I have to wait until 1 in the morning just to escape, feel like I'm not surrounded. I really just want some time to sit, alone, for a moment or two. I need that feeling of just being by myself. Solitary.
Maybe it's because I've basically had to share space for my entire life. Except maybe the first 4 or 5 years of my life, I've never had a room of my own. Okay, I've gotten a space of my own maybe once or twice, but none of those situations ever lasted even close to a year's time. Those of you who have, well, I really hope you appreciate it. Cause seriously, I'm starting to think that the fact that I have been deprived of it for most of my life is really taking a toll.
I'm...I'm upset.
There's really not much else I can say. Or do.
Seriously, this situation is just NOT working for me. It is beyond frustrating to be here and have no space of my own. I can't even keep all of my clothes in the same room, let alone a room I can call mine. I have a bed in a corner with a small bookshelf next to it. That's basically it. Everything else is either stashed or stored or in a hallway or under a bed. Of course I am not unwelcome here, but really, how am I supposed to feel when I know I just don't fit in?
Want to hear something sad? I basically stay up late at night, not because I am a nite-owl or anything like that, but because I am waiting for a moment where people finally go away to their own beds and I get a moment of peace. I have to wait until 1 in the morning just to escape, feel like I'm not surrounded. I really just want some time to sit, alone, for a moment or two. I need that feeling of just being by myself. Solitary.
Maybe it's because I've basically had to share space for my entire life. Except maybe the first 4 or 5 years of my life, I've never had a room of my own. Okay, I've gotten a space of my own maybe once or twice, but none of those situations ever lasted even close to a year's time. Those of you who have, well, I really hope you appreciate it. Cause seriously, I'm starting to think that the fact that I have been deprived of it for most of my life is really taking a toll.
I'm...I'm upset.
There's really not much else I can say. Or do.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Request
I have one request... How about I get some effing work, huh? Screw this bullcrap I have right now. Someone just give me an actual job already, would ya?
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Wiggin' Out
I'm starting to freak out about money. That's the one thing that has always made me nervous. I know I'm not the only one, and especially in these economic times it's something that has lots of people worried. At this point though, it's gotten to the point where it's one of the things that I am constantly thinking about. Obsessing over something so negative just isn't good, not at all. Stress isn't good. That's on the first page of the MS Handbook. That and "You might wanna wear kneepads 'cause you're probably gonna fall".
It doesn't help that my job just isn't compatible with me and all my lameness. I always feel like shit by the time I finish for the day and I'm fairly certain all the crappyness is what led to the MS acting up and screwing up my vision. Now I have all this anxiety about going back. The last thing I want is to end up with some permanent damage. It's not like it's a ridiculous thought either. My hands are a constant reminder of what permanent damage feels like.
I think a new job, something at a desk or whatever, might be just the thing to help. Thing is though, I can't seem to find one. At least find one that would want me. Turns out I'm not the most desirable employee. Who knew?! I guess someone with a twisty, creative, illogical brain isn't really compatible with the places that are hiring. It's gotta happen sometime though, right?
So all this stuff has my mind in a panic and I feel myself starting to scramble. Of course I've been doing the looking for a new job thing. I have been actively doing that bit for a while now. I have also been thinking about selling some of my stuff. Thing is though, I really don't have much to sell. I could have a yard sale or something, but that's really not going to get me much. No one wants some crappy DVDs if I don't even want them anymore. Porkys anyone?
I did decide to sell these keepsake/gift boxes though. They are made from vintage record covers and are really cool. I made them for myself and I've made them as gifts too (with more gifts inside!). I am taking the four I have left and putting them up for sale on Etsy. Started my own shop and everything! I guess if they sell I can maybe make some more and sell them too. It'd be nice to actually MAKE some money rather than lose it to medical expenses and the like.
Oh, also, on a side note: I've started a site to highlight some of my photography. The web address is davilaphotography.wordpress.com. I figure I can put up some of my work and possibly get people interested. Maybe eventually I can sell matted/framed prints or something. Would you wanna buy one?
It doesn't help that my job just isn't compatible with me and all my lameness. I always feel like shit by the time I finish for the day and I'm fairly certain all the crappyness is what led to the MS acting up and screwing up my vision. Now I have all this anxiety about going back. The last thing I want is to end up with some permanent damage. It's not like it's a ridiculous thought either. My hands are a constant reminder of what permanent damage feels like.
I think a new job, something at a desk or whatever, might be just the thing to help. Thing is though, I can't seem to find one. At least find one that would want me. Turns out I'm not the most desirable employee. Who knew?! I guess someone with a twisty, creative, illogical brain isn't really compatible with the places that are hiring. It's gotta happen sometime though, right?
So all this stuff has my mind in a panic and I feel myself starting to scramble. Of course I've been doing the looking for a new job thing. I have been actively doing that bit for a while now. I have also been thinking about selling some of my stuff. Thing is though, I really don't have much to sell. I could have a yard sale or something, but that's really not going to get me much. No one wants some crappy DVDs if I don't even want them anymore. Porkys anyone?
I did decide to sell these keepsake/gift boxes though. They are made from vintage record covers and are really cool. I made them for myself and I've made them as gifts too (with more gifts inside!). I am taking the four I have left and putting them up for sale on Etsy. Started my own shop and everything! I guess if they sell I can maybe make some more and sell them too. It'd be nice to actually MAKE some money rather than lose it to medical expenses and the like.
Oh, also, on a side note: I've started a site to highlight some of my photography. The web address is davilaphotography.wordpress.com. I figure I can put up some of my work and possibly get people interested. Maybe eventually I can sell matted/framed prints or something. Would you wanna buy one?
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Public Opinion
I've always been pretty crap in social situations. Everyone who knows me, knows that to be true. It takes more than just a first meeting to see the person I am and it takes A LOT more to see the person that I can be. The only thing is, it takes more than one or two contrived social interactions to get to that point.
I won't say I don't care completely what other peoples opinions are of me. Whether it's trying to make new friends, maintain the ones I have, or make a good impression for other reasons, people and their opinion of me can matter. At this point though, I can't be bothered to worry about such things. I've got enough on my mind to care what anyone thinks of me.
Of course I'm not gonna be dead about it, and just not care. The mean stuff is still gonna hurt a bit. Right now though, I've got it all narrowed down. I hold some people and their opinions way above everyone else, and in doing so, I'm able to care a lot less what others think. As long as I have those people who see me for who I am, love me and care about me, I could really give a damn about anyone else or what they think.
Now it might be selfish or self-centered to also push other people and their feelings aside in the process. All just to maintain my own sense of happiness and stability and reach that place where I can maintain a truly happy life. Thing is, life is way too short and way too unpredictable to worry about every single person and how they feel and what they will think. I have to look out for MY-self and for those that I love above all else. If I can do that, I'll definitely be able to be proud of myself.
I won't say I don't care completely what other peoples opinions are of me. Whether it's trying to make new friends, maintain the ones I have, or make a good impression for other reasons, people and their opinion of me can matter. At this point though, I can't be bothered to worry about such things. I've got enough on my mind to care what anyone thinks of me.
Of course I'm not gonna be dead about it, and just not care. The mean stuff is still gonna hurt a bit. Right now though, I've got it all narrowed down. I hold some people and their opinions way above everyone else, and in doing so, I'm able to care a lot less what others think. As long as I have those people who see me for who I am, love me and care about me, I could really give a damn about anyone else or what they think.
Now it might be selfish or self-centered to also push other people and their feelings aside in the process. All just to maintain my own sense of happiness and stability and reach that place where I can maintain a truly happy life. Thing is, life is way too short and way too unpredictable to worry about every single person and how they feel and what they will think. I have to look out for MY-self and for those that I love above all else. If I can do that, I'll definitely be able to be proud of myself.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Adventures In Bloggersitting
Blogging is hard. Not like serious manual labor hard or curing diseases hard or anything like that. I'm just sayin', keeping a blog from drifting off into obscurity is pretty damn difficult. Maybe I'm finding my life becoming so uninteresting that the best stuff I can come up with is "…" or even "um…uh, yea." AWKWARD PAUSE!
It could be that my life is TOO interesting. A secret life of mystery and intrigue. Spies in disguise, lies, and alibis… Bonkers type stuff. I could be Jason Bourne or even Tom Ripley for all you know (Matt Damon man-crush alert!). This year is the year I vowed to kick-start a life full of adventures, big or small. Maybe I'm just keeping up with that promise. Maaaaybe…
So which is it? I'll be honest, I'm not really gonna tell you. If it's the super boring option, well, that does me no good. No point in letting you all realize just how droll and mundane I really am. I'd like to keep that a secret (shh!). Yes, I actually think there's the possibility that people find me interesting and intriguing. DELUSIONAL!
What if it's the other option, hmm? What if I am having the best time of my life right now? Totally possible. The recent past hasn't really been very nice, more like a bunch of blah with Multiple Sclerosis being the cherry on top. If anything, now would be a good time to be living it up, taking chances, and going for the gold. If it is the crazy exciting stuff though, I probably can't tell you about it. Don't want to get arrested and sent to jail for being extra awesome.
My blog is a reflection of my life. I keep quiet and hush-hush during the fun moments and get super talky when things aren't going so great. I tend to keep the good stuff on a need-to-know type level because, to me, it's too personal to share. All the bad stuff, even medical junk that should be personal, I have an easier time sharing. It's bad stuff, garbage, so it's easier for me to throw it out for everyone to read. The stuff that makes me smile, that stuff is mine. I put it in a nice little box and keep it safe, away from everyone else. Sometimes I'll open the box up and let some of you look inside. Occasionally I'll even share if you're someone special.
Just know that if the blog here is empty for a while, it's not that bad. I haven't died or fallen into some deep depression. Odds are, it's the complete opposite. I could be living a boring life or an adventurous one, but it's a life I'm enjoying too much to stop and write about. Of course when I'm ready to reflect on everything, I'll write with humor, a bizarre outlook, and funny pictures to illustrate. You'll be totally entertained!
It could be that my life is TOO interesting. A secret life of mystery and intrigue. Spies in disguise, lies, and alibis… Bonkers type stuff. I could be Jason Bourne or even Tom Ripley for all you know (Matt Damon man-crush alert!). This year is the year I vowed to kick-start a life full of adventures, big or small. Maybe I'm just keeping up with that promise. Maaaaybe…
So which is it? I'll be honest, I'm not really gonna tell you. If it's the super boring option, well, that does me no good. No point in letting you all realize just how droll and mundane I really am. I'd like to keep that a secret (shh!). Yes, I actually think there's the possibility that people find me interesting and intriguing. DELUSIONAL!
What if it's the other option, hmm? What if I am having the best time of my life right now? Totally possible. The recent past hasn't really been very nice, more like a bunch of blah with Multiple Sclerosis being the cherry on top. If anything, now would be a good time to be living it up, taking chances, and going for the gold. If it is the crazy exciting stuff though, I probably can't tell you about it. Don't want to get arrested and sent to jail for being extra awesome.
My blog is a reflection of my life. I keep quiet and hush-hush during the fun moments and get super talky when things aren't going so great. I tend to keep the good stuff on a need-to-know type level because, to me, it's too personal to share. All the bad stuff, even medical junk that should be personal, I have an easier time sharing. It's bad stuff, garbage, so it's easier for me to throw it out for everyone to read. The stuff that makes me smile, that stuff is mine. I put it in a nice little box and keep it safe, away from everyone else. Sometimes I'll open the box up and let some of you look inside. Occasionally I'll even share if you're someone special.
Just know that if the blog here is empty for a while, it's not that bad. I haven't died or fallen into some deep depression. Odds are, it's the complete opposite. I could be living a boring life or an adventurous one, but it's a life I'm enjoying too much to stop and write about. Of course when I'm ready to reflect on everything, I'll write with humor, a bizarre outlook, and funny pictures to illustrate. You'll be totally entertained!
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
You Might Be Friends With A Turd
Multiple Sclerosis is an odd little bastard. It does some messed up stuff to some people. It took away some of the feeling in my hands and I was super pissed about that for a while, but I've moved on. For now at least. The thing is, despite all the shitty things it does, there is at least one big positive that MS brings about if you let it.
When I first started to deal with this mess, I posted a random bit of "oh, why me? why MS?" on Twitter and out of the wilderness came a few kind responses from people I didn't know. These were people I'd never talked to before and yet they offered words of encouragement. I was a bit weirded out, seeing as I don't talk to strangers (or even people I actually DO know), but I decided to choose one of those strangers (hi Dana!) and reply back. The replies went back and forth. It was the early stages of what became a genuine friendship.
I say "MS Friends" to people, which may make it sound like it is not as important or on the same level as a normal friendship but that isn't the case at all. I care deeply for the few real friends I have. It doesn't matter if they have MS or not. The interesting thing though is how deep a connection or bond can be made between people you don't even get to see. They become like long lost friends you talk to online because they've since moved far far away.
Why do I mention this stuff today? Well, one of my MS Friends, is going to be in for something big. Jackie (from over at MSUnderstood) will be going through a 3 stage process of a total colectomy. Now I haven't known Jackie for an eternity, but at the same time she is definitely one of those long lost friends. We haven't met face to face and yet I care about her deeply and wish nothing but the best for her. Hearing the news hit me just as much as if I had heard it from a family member (and not one of those cousins I could give a a crap about, I'm talking immediate family!). If I was one of those people who prayed, she'd be in my prayers. I guess she'll just have to settle for my best wishes.
The point of all this is, while MS is a bitch there is one thing that I am glad it gave me. Friendships. There is an MS community out there, and just like a regular community it's filled with all sorts of people. Of course there are weirdos and annoying people and those you'd rather not talk to, but that's just like your local community. I definitely encourage getting out there into the community and finding those few individuals you click with. MS sucks hard, but having friends who you can rely on for moral support for that junk (and life in general) is a good thing and you are missing out if you don't have that already.
When I first started to deal with this mess, I posted a random bit of "oh, why me? why MS?" on Twitter and out of the wilderness came a few kind responses from people I didn't know. These were people I'd never talked to before and yet they offered words of encouragement. I was a bit weirded out, seeing as I don't talk to strangers (or even people I actually DO know), but I decided to choose one of those strangers (hi Dana!) and reply back. The replies went back and forth. It was the early stages of what became a genuine friendship.
I say "MS Friends" to people, which may make it sound like it is not as important or on the same level as a normal friendship but that isn't the case at all. I care deeply for the few real friends I have. It doesn't matter if they have MS or not. The interesting thing though is how deep a connection or bond can be made between people you don't even get to see. They become like long lost friends you talk to online because they've since moved far far away.
Why do I mention this stuff today? Well, one of my MS Friends, is going to be in for something big. Jackie (from over at MSUnderstood) will be going through a 3 stage process of a total colectomy. Now I haven't known Jackie for an eternity, but at the same time she is definitely one of those long lost friends. We haven't met face to face and yet I care about her deeply and wish nothing but the best for her. Hearing the news hit me just as much as if I had heard it from a family member (and not one of those cousins I could give a a crap about, I'm talking immediate family!). If I was one of those people who prayed, she'd be in my prayers. I guess she'll just have to settle for my best wishes.
The point of all this is, while MS is a bitch there is one thing that I am glad it gave me. Friendships. There is an MS community out there, and just like a regular community it's filled with all sorts of people. Of course there are weirdos and annoying people and those you'd rather not talk to, but that's just like your local community. I definitely encourage getting out there into the community and finding those few individuals you click with. MS sucks hard, but having friends who you can rely on for moral support for that junk (and life in general) is a good thing and you are missing out if you don't have that already.
Take care Jackie, I'm rooting for you!
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