Monday, August 30, 2010

Note to No One

The future is here, the future is now, the future is... frightening as all hell. Honestly, that is all that has been on my mind these days, my future. I'm talking about my future in concern with health stuff, monetary stuff, work stuff, living-situation stuff, relationships with people stuff. So, yea, pretty much the whole damn thing. And do you know what is the BEST conclusion I have been able to come up with? That I am scared as all hell.

I think mostly it all comes down to me feeling completely derailed. Things that may have been an option before no longer are and stuff that felt so simple to do just a little while ago are just so much more difficult. Just think about the idea that I get tired and fatigued just by standing for longish periods. Standing! That is stupid. My hands don't feel normal anymore? My hands?! Verdict: Stupid. The fact that since I have been working my crap job for the past year I have had TWO weirdo flare-ups of my MS probably due to working and stress. Yup, you guessed it - Stupid. So many easy things now are a challenge to me and all I can ask myself is, what the hell happened?

Whatever, forget about all the wrong turns or weird karma crap that caused me to get to this point, turned me down this path where a stupid disease gets in the way of me living a normal life. I don't give a crap anymore. What I do care about is figuring out a way to fix it. Get on track. Find out a way to get to a point where I can actually pay for all my medical expenses, pay for a place to live and all those things, and maintain a sense of self-worth that has basically been lost over these last few months/years/etc. It's enough already. I'm tired of feeling hopeless.

Question is, how to I fix it? What do I do? It's no longer the idea of getting back on track so much as finding a completely new track, a new path to go down that I can handle. Thing is, I'm really drawing a blank on this one. No clue. These days, not a whole lot makes sense to me anymore and everything is just overwhelming. Funny, the only thing that really makes sense to me anymore is the weird MS junk I have to go through. The stuff is bonkers, MS has no real answers or solutions, but I at least know I have it and there is nothing I can do about it. Everything else? All that life, home, employment, money and people stuff? Those are the things where I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm not above accepting help, I'm not above anything anymore really. It's just, if I could settle in to something that works and live life like a normal person, that'd be great...

Alright, I know, it's not that easy for anyone. Especially these days. Know what though? I don't care. I don't give crap about everyone else. It may sound selfish, but really all I care about right now is stuff getting better for me and those close to me. Maybe once I get myself taken care of I can work on helping out others, but for now I really need to work on my situation because it's been too damn long and all of it is really starting to take its toll on me and those around me. So I say to the universe, to the powers that be out there floating around, to the fates that decide where I go next, and I guess to anyone who wants to listen: Look, I could really use a hand. I'm stuck in this hole, I'm lost and I dropped my map somewhere along the way. If you could maybe help me out, I'm trying to find my way back towards civilization.

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