The Sickness

I've been sick for days now. SO MUCH MUCUS. Coughing it up, stuck in my nose... it's a problem. I've been taking Robitussin, but carefully because it reacts weird with my Wellbutrin. Makes me feel anxious and weird. It helps I guess... but not enough if it isn't gone yet!

So the other day on my way to bed I went to take my dose of Robitussin and, not paying attention, I accidentally took a dose of my mom's Cheertussin. Now that's a problem because it has codeine in it and it reacts HORRIBLY with the Wellbutrin. Like, seizures bad. There I am in bed and I notice I'm breathing quickly and my heart is racing and I'm feeling twitchy, so I go with my first thought - jump out of bed and go force myself to throw up.

Yeah. That was awful. Obviously. Luckily no seizures, but the rest of the night my heart was racing like I had a million cups of coffee or some sort of crazy speed drug (I'm guessing. I have no idea. I'm a nerd). I just tried my best to go to sleep by working on breathing exercises to calm myself down and ease my heart rate.

Anyway, the lesson is obviously to be crazy careful with ya medz, duh. Also, I think today I'm just going to skip my dose of Wellbutrin and take the Robitussin without the anxiousness so maybe I can go extra strength or something. I dunno. We'll see. I just need to get rid of this mucus. this stuff is gross as hell.

Frozen

I feel frozen. I feel like I can't do anything or get anything done. I'm stuck in this weird fog and I can't seem to find my way out. It's like I've been caught in a game of freeze-tag and no one told me it was over. I'm not sure I've felt this lost before. It's kinda scary.

Conversation Not Included

I have a hard time starting conversations these days. I enjoy talking to people when they talk to me, but for some reason I just can't approach someone and talk to them. Even online. I really have to force myself to say anything. I wonder if people think I'm being unfriendly?

Return of the Rentals

Considering resurrecting this blog. Not sure why? Maybe just to have an outlet again I guess.

My MS has been okay. No relapses, which is good. But I still struggle with the stuff I got. The depression. The anxiety. The anger. The fear. The isolation. The numbness. The medications. The side effects. It's all so overwhelming. I thought about therapy but when I gave it a shot it made me agitated. So now I'm on an anti-depressant. It makes me feel sorta dead inside, which sucks. I liked feeling like I had emotions and cared about things.

Relationship came and went. People come and go. I don't know if I really can count on anyone anymore. I don't really have anyone I can fully open up to. Sure, I've distanced myself from some people, but I can't have people in my life who can't be honest with me or treat me with the respect that I deserve. So I guess I'll resign myself to basic friendships of limited conversation, never really going past the superficial. Shrug.

On a positive note, these days I run an account on Twitter, @VoicesOfMS and it seems to be doing well. It gets new followers all the time and people seem to use it the way I had intended it, to connect with each other, so that's great. It's really a good idea - Echo (retweet) what people are saying about their MS and then other people with MS will recognize similar feelings and see that they aren't alone. No stuff about the latest fad diets or supposed cures or anything divisive like that, or using it to promote other things, just a platform for people with MS to have their feelings heard.

Well, like I said at the beginning of this entry, I am only considering resurrecting this blog, so maybe don't stay tuned for the next entry?