Depression

Lately I've been really sad. Like, really really sad. To be fair, I am dealing with a breakup. With my BEST friend. So of course I'm gonna be upset. This thing with us basically went on for 3 years give or take, so it's not like I'm just going to bounce right back.

So with all this sadness and the feeling of loss...of emptiness and anger...with this bundle of bad feelings I have just festering inside me I start to wonder if maybe I've become depressed.

It's real easy for me to slip into depression. Not only do I have the sort of personality that makes it easy to fall into that hole, but having MS and taking Avonex can also have an effect. It's all chemical and stuff goes on in my body that I don't have much control over.

But what I can do is recognize when I have a problem and when I need help. So I think back to my last big fight with depression. I think back to those feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. Those times when I felt so alone but didn't want anyone around at the same time. Those were bad times.

So, these days when I sometimes feel like crying, or when I wake up and I feel this big hole where a lot of my heart used to be, or when I feel totally and utterly alone I just think back. I compare my feelings to my previous depression and I think to myself, "Are you sad, like really really sad, or is this depression?"

Well, right now I'm just sad.

Breakups Suck

Especially when you don't see it coming. Especially when you still love that person with all your heart. Especially when you're me...super sensitive, introverted, and devastated.

Breakups suck.

Good Help Is Hard To Find

Maybe I'm wrong, but I was under the impression that I have Multiple Sclerosis, and with that wonderful gift I am also blessed with that whole fatigue thing, where I get tired quicker than I should when engaging in activities. Things like that, I thought, qualified me for a disability pass on the local transit system. Well, that's what I thought...

I guess I was wrong. I was informed by my neurologist (before being hung-up-on mid sentence) that I don't qualify at all and the paperwork I had given to him wasn't going to be signed. Which now means I'm kinda regretting signing up for six classes at a not-so-local community college to further my education and hopefully get a good job.

Now in addition to my financial scares and how nervous I am about the workload of the coming semester, I have to be stressed out about not being disabled enough or whatever. Great, thanks. Thanks a bunch for that.

Wow, I really do miss the days I had a neurologist who understood what was going on with my life and was helpful.