Blah Blah Blah...

2010-11-28T01:12:00.000-08:00

Just...disappointed. I'm just disappointed in you.

You can do better.

Contradictions Ahead

2010-11-02T23:52:00.001-07:00

So I'm kinda hoping that by this point no one actually reads my lame blog. Like most people I have that weird feeling that everyone is gonna laugh at me when I try and express my genuine feelings. Having no readers really makes that concern less of an issue.

So basically I came here to just throw up some sort of funny picture to go along with the one thing I have to say: I am lonely. These past two months have just been really lonely.

Yea, turns out being lonely really isn't funny. I didn't need Google Image Search to tell me that, but it certainly confirmed it.

Charity Begins At Your House

2010-09-04T19:33:00.000-07:00

From Wikipedia:

A benefactor is a person who gives some form of help to benefit a person, group or organization (the beneficiary), often gifting a monetary contribution in the form of an endowment to help a cause. Benefactors are humanitarian leaders and charitable patrons providing assistance in many forms, such as an alumnus from a university giving back to a college or an individual providing assistance to others. The word benefactor comes from Latin bene (good) and factor (maker).

Benefactor... good maker... what an excellent concept, the idea that there are people out there who want to do good, provide assistance, and be charitable.

You know, I think I need to find myself a benefactor or two. What would I have to offer them though, to make them feel like they weren't just leaving empty handed (except the satisfaction they'd get from helping someone awesome)? I'd have to fall back on what I do best, I'd have to be creative! Original creations reflecting my own passions and show that helping me would be worthwhile.

Things like original prints of my own photography, a personalized mix CD, a record cover box, or maybe even a short youtube video where I recite dialogue from your favorite movie! Yup, I'd make an ass out of myself.

Dear mystery benefactor, I look forward to making you something special. If your donation has already been made, your gift is on the way!

Where Do I Go?

2010-09-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

Post-diagnosis, i hadn't had much trouble with my MS. Nothing crazy had happened. I'd had three episodes over the course of something like 5 or 6 years. Then I found a job and started working again. Being back in that world I started realizing that a lot of stuff I had no trouble with was now a total struggle. Also, since staring the whole employment thing this year, I have actually had TWO incidents of my MS acting all crazy, when before symptoms hadn't popped up so close to each other. This obviously raises a flag to me that this job is actually screwing with my system pretty hardcore. First there was the screwed up vision, then there was the point where I could barely walk. Do I really need to see what happens next?

Thing is, even with the little hours I work, it seems to take it's toll on me. Yesterday I worked four hours and I can still feel it today. I'm not even making enough money to cover my medical insurance anymore. I really don't see things getting any better. Or any easier. I have enough trouble just getting stuff around the house done. It's freaking me out and I really don't know what to do anymore.

Someone suggested trying to get some government assistance. Social Security or whatever. I tried and was denied. Of course, all I hear is to keep trying but everything I read when I research is just how hopeless all of that is. Any success seems to be from people with lawyers or social workers or people out there who actually seem to give a damn. I don't know, I just seem to have lost all will to even try something like this. All my energy these days is spent trying to fight depression, find a job that I probably can't handle or aren't qualified to get, and keep myself from just jumping off the face of the Earth.

Honestly, I write this entry just to say all this out loud to someone other than the people I confide in. Maybe then some of the weight will be taken off their shoulders. But also, there's a tiny piece of me that still has hope and that piece of me thinks there is a small chance that someone a lot smarter than me will read this and have a great idea. A great idea that could help me along. Or might actually be that person who actually could help me. Or maybe they are a unicorn. That'd be kick-ass.

Home Life

2010-08-31T00:13:00.000-07:00

How do you tell the people you love that you just don't want to see them anymore? That you would like miles and miles of distance between you and them and maybe would like to go for months on end without having to hear their voices. That the things they do, being themselves, is just too much for you and you'd rather they were replaced by robots or sedated bears. How do you go about doing something like that?

Now it's not that I don't appreciate them. Also, don't think that I have stopped loving them. Still, I'm done. I'm out. Like realizing an episode of Two & A Half Men is starting on the television, I just wanna get the eff out and do a lot of avoiding for quite a while (for fear of a possible T&AHM marathon of awfulness). Thing is, there is really no good way to tell people that they remind you of the threat of having to watch a Charlie Sheen/Jon Cryer sitcom.

Also my problem is that I've got nowhere else to go. They're doing ME a favor by having me around. That's what family is for, right? Ugh! Just make me feel more guilty why don't you? It makes the situation worse realizing that I am the one who is the person who can't be avoided. I am the one who can't find a job and get the hell out. Now, it's not like I am not trying. I'm doing my best to work around all my lame medical issues to try and do something... ANYTHING.

Thing is, I haven't figured out how that all works. It's not like there's a map or something either. No manual. I'm feeling around in the dark and all that happens is I run my shin into the coffee table or I trip over rugs or something. Lots of injuries, setbacks and frustrations. I can't find my way in the dark, it's... it's too dark! Unreasonable scream! You know, excuse me if I am tired of my loved ones, sick of having them around while I fumble around like a moron.

So how do I tell them all that they are annoying the crap out of me by merely being themselves and living in my general vicinity? Well, my current method really isn't working. How are they supposed to know when I keep it all to myself and only talk about it in a blog that I'm pretty sure they don't know about? Maybe someone else has a better idea. Or maybe I can just murder them all... Meh. Too much effort and I don't have the energy. Thanks MS, you won't even give me the energy for some serious murdering.

Note to No One

2010-08-30T12:48:00.000-07:00

The future is here, the future is now, the future is... frightening as all hell. Honestly, that is all that has been on my mind these days, my future. I'm talking about my future in concern with health stuff, monetary stuff, work stuff, living-situation stuff, relationships with people stuff. So, yea, pretty much the whole damn thing. And do you know what is the BEST conclusion I have been able to come up with? That I am scared as all hell.

I think mostly it all comes down to me feeling completely derailed. Things that may have been an option before no longer are and stuff that felt so simple to do just a little while ago are just so much more difficult. Just think about the idea that I get tired and fatigued just by standing for longish periods. Standing! That is stupid. My hands don't feel normal anymore? My hands?! Verdict: Stupid. The fact that since I have been working my crap job for the past year I have had TWO weirdo flare-ups of my MS probably due to working and stress. Yup, you guessed it - Stupid. So many easy things now are a challenge to me and all I can ask myself is, what the hell happened?

Whatever, forget about all the wrong turns or weird karma crap that caused me to get to this point, turned me down this path where a stupid disease gets in the way of me living a normal life. I don't give a crap anymore. What I do care about is figuring out a way to fix it. Get on track. Find out a way to get to a point where I can actually pay for all my medical expenses, pay for a place to live and all those things, and maintain a sense of self-worth that has basically been lost over these last few months/years/etc. It's enough already. I'm tired of feeling hopeless.

Question is, how to I fix it? What do I do? It's no longer the idea of getting back on track so much as finding a completely new track, a new path to go down that I can handle. Thing is, I'm really drawing a blank on this one. No clue. These days, not a whole lot makes sense to me anymore and everything is just overwhelming. Funny, the only thing that really makes sense to me anymore is the weird MS junk I have to go through. The stuff is bonkers, MS has no real answers or solutions, but I at least know I have it and there is nothing I can do about it. Everything else? All that life, home, employment, money and people stuff? Those are the things where I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm not above accepting help, I'm not above anything anymore really. It's just, if I could settle in to something that works and live life like a normal person, that'd be great...

Alright, I know, it's not that easy for anyone. Especially these days. Know what though? I don't care. I don't give crap about everyone else. It may sound selfish, but really all I care about right now is stuff getting better for me and those close to me. Maybe once I get myself taken care of I can work on helping out others, but for now I really need to work on my situation because it's been too damn long and all of it is really starting to take its toll on me and those around me. So I say to the universe, to the powers that be out there floating around, to the fates that decide where I go next, and I guess to anyone who wants to listen: Look, I could really use a hand. I'm stuck in this hole, I'm lost and I dropped my map somewhere along the way. If you could maybe help me out, I'm trying to find my way back towards civilization.

Discuss Your Diagnosis

2010-08-23T19:37:00.000-07:00

So I've gone over this all before, but I wrote this for a new forum for MS'ers that I joined, asking about my diagnosis story. I wrote it there and figured, hey, I'll put it here too...

So, like a bunch of years ago I had the tingles on the bottom of mt feet. WTF, right? But whatever, I just thought I was sleeping weird or something. Anyway, I didn't actually do something about it until much later when it basically worked it's way to half-way up my chest. By that point I figured I was hit by some crazy mystery disease and I was gonna be paralyzed or something by the end of the week! So off to the emergency room I went and did that whole thing. They basically looked at me with puzzled looks, gave me a referral and sent me off for MRIs. In the end, after lots of stuff, I was told that a virus hit my spine. If the feeling goes away after 2 weeks or so, it was totally a virus... and it did. So that's what I thought. It was totally a virus.

So a few years later those tingles came back. Spring of '08. This time it spread through my body quicker. Also, it was only on one side of my body and that included my face. I figure it's the virus again, but I have medical insurance so what the heck, off to the doctor I go. This doctor she tells me I'm stressed...and fat. Um, okay. Thanks. I think I need a second opinion. The next doctor I went to told me I had arthritis and prescribed me a bunch of non-generic meds that he wanted me to buy at HIS pharmacy. At this point my frustrations took over. The tingles went away before, they'll go away again. I can't support these "professionals" who are basically looking for ways to either ignore me or steal my money.

Those tingles did go away, thankfully. Another thing that went away by summer was my job, a company-wide bankruptcy. Also gone was my medical insurance. What did come back? The tingles. Early '09. This time my limbs were the only things that were hit, but it was rough times. Turns out that I use my hands a lot, and things like writing or signing my name became impossible. At a job interview I was asked to fill out some papers and those papers looked like they were filled out by a kid in kindergarten. I wasn't surprised that I didn't get the job...or any other job for a long time to come.

Seeing as I had no insurance, and considering how things had gone before, I basically was ready to ride the whole thing out. Thing was, stuff wasn't going away as fast as they had before. Other stuff was happening too, like I was sleeping more than usual and my mood was (and probably still is) kinda erratic. Finally, my mom's sister had suggested to her I look into Multiple Sclerosis, something their father had apparently struggled with when he was alive. After some internet research I was fairly convinced I finally had found what was wrong with me. Something that a bunch of doctors couldn't see, I was able to see with a point in the right direction and Google. So off I went to get some insurance! Kinda expensive for someone unemployed, but also it could be worse. I had no official diagnosis so I was going in with no pre-existing condition. Otherwise, it would have cost me a LOT more, I'm sure.

The first appointment with my General Practitioner I walked, well, wobbled in with confidence. I had the magic words and I wasn't afraid to use them. Multiple Sclerosis! I have it, now gimmie my disgnosis please. Tell me I'm not insane please. So after a referral to a Neurologist, two MRIs, a needle to my spine, and discussion of what had been happening to me (over the course of a few appointments) I was ready for what I wanted. For what I needed to hear. On June 6th, 2009 I was given my official diagnosis for MS. Now, really, I had that weight off my shoulders from the mystery of it all back when I did all that online research. I was convinced I had MS once I learned about it. This was official though, and that's a nice feather to stick in my cap. I'm not a crazy person with some weirdo disease that no one knows. I have MS... lord, what now?

Well, there really isn't much of a what now. My hands never went back to how they felt before. Then there are the shots or whatever, and learning to take care of yourself (which I honestly SUCK at), but I think the biggest thing that has come from all of this is that it has changed how I relate to people. Mostly it has opened up this whole community of people that understand some of the stuff I am going through, which is pretty rad. Then there are the few people who are in my day to day life that I love dearly and who have supported me more than I could ever imagine. Discovering what care and love truly is and how much it means to me is something I definitely appreciate more than anything else.

The Search for Peace

2010-08-18T18:40:00.001-07:00

I know this probably doesn't even truly exist, but let me tell you something I have been looking for. Something I have been wanting. Something that is missing from my life that I really need... Normalcy. A sense of things being normal. Ordinary. Simple.

Things just feel so complicated these days and it is like I have to either work around stuff, do things differently, or basically just settle for what comes my way. It's not like I am looking for anything special either. I'm not asking to win the lottery or become famous or something. I'd just like it if I didn't have to worry about having to figure out how to basically climb OVER a mountains while others just takes the train around it.

I know, I know, this stuff is teaching me how to appreciate the blessings of life or whatever. Sure, I've learned to appreciate things and people...but also, I've had enough. It's starting to create ill-will and resentment. Bad feelings. I'm tired of bad feelings. They're exhausting.

So if you happen to have some "normal" lying around, some sort of way of making my life seem more normal than weird and difficult, could you maybe hook me up?

Internet is Magic

2010-07-31T01:27:00.000-07:00

The Internet is an amazing thing-a-ma-bob. It opens up a world community and allows for others to share ideas and opinions. Seems though, the most of the time people are very unwavering in their beliefs and so a discussion of opinions almost always seems to reach a point of argument. The magic of the Internet though, lies here -

Thanks Internet! Your funny pictures make me LOL

People...

2010-07-23T16:24:00.001-07:00

People make me sad a lot of the time.

Maybe I am just such a different person than most people. To most I am just a funny person. Then they figure out I am fairly reserved and pretty guarded. What some people end up realizing is that I am actually something else altogether. I'm emotional, caring, protective, and sympathetic to those I hold dear. I give a lot of myself to others even if they don't realize or appreciate it. At the same time, I am also pretty moody and touchy about stuff. Sensitive to what is said to me or how I'm treated. I hold friends and people I care about in high regard, so when I feel like they don't do the same I end up feeling pretty hurt.

Sometimes I question if it's all in my head. Maybe I overreact or I judge others harshly. Should I expect so much from people? When I ask these questions, usually I end end up getting angry with myself. "Yes, you ARE overreacting. No, you SHOULDN'T expect so much from people. You are a crazy person and you're lucky enough that anyone would even want to spend a small amount of time with you!" Somehow I've turned it all around on myself. This makes me figure that yea, it probably is just my issues and not the fault of others.

So the question becomes, do people make me sad or is it that I make myself sad for caring about people?

Enough Space

2010-06-23T00:37:00.001-07:00

I understand that I am extremely blessed. In times such as these, to have a place to stay makes me a lucky man. When I have a job that will barely let me work at all, resulting in me only making enough money to pay off my medical insurance bill each month, having my family to keep me from being homeless is something to be grateful for. Too bad I am an ingrate.

Seriously, this situation is just NOT working for me. It is beyond frustrating to be here and have no space of my own. I can't even keep all of my clothes in the same room, let alone a room I can call mine. I have a bed in a corner with a small bookshelf next to it. That's basically it. Everything else is either stashed or stored or in a hallway or under a bed. Of course I am not unwelcome here, but really, how am I supposed to feel when I know I just don't fit in?

Want to hear something sad? I basically stay up late at night, not because I am a nite-owl or anything like that, but because I am waiting for a moment where people finally go away to their own beds and I get a moment of peace. I have to wait until 1 in the morning just to escape, feel like I'm not surrounded. I really just want some time to sit, alone, for a moment or two. I need that feeling of just being by myself. Solitary.

Maybe it's because I've basically had to share space for my entire life. Except maybe the first 4 or 5 years of my life, I've never had a room of my own. Okay, I've gotten a space of my own maybe once or twice, but none of those situations ever lasted even close to a year's time. Those of you who have, well, I really hope you appreciate it. Cause seriously, I'm starting to think that the fact that I have been deprived of it for most of my life is really taking a toll.

I'm...I'm upset.

There's really not much else I can say. Or do.

Request

2010-06-20T16:58:00.000-07:00

I have one request... How about I get some effing work, huh? Screw this bullcrap I have right now. Someone just give me an actual job already, would ya?

Wiggin' Out

2010-04-27T09:04:00.001-07:00

I'm starting to freak out about money. That's the one thing that has always made me nervous. I know I'm not the only one, and especially in these economic times it's something that has lots of people worried. At this point though, it's gotten to the point where it's one of the things that I am constantly thinking about. Obsessing over something so negative just isn't good, not at all. Stress isn't good. That's on the first page of the MS Handbook. That and "You might wanna wear kneepads 'cause you're probably gonna fall".

It doesn't help that my job just isn't compatible with me and all my lameness. I always feel like shit by the time I finish for the day and I'm fairly certain all the crappyness is what led to the MS acting up and screwing up my vision. Now I have all this anxiety about going back. The last thing I want is to end up with some permanent damage. It's not like it's a ridiculous thought either. My hands are a constant reminder of what permanent damage feels like.

I think a new job, something at a desk or whatever, might be just the thing to help. Thing is though, I can't seem to find one. At least find one that would want me. Turns out I'm not the most desirable employee. Who knew?! I guess someone with a twisty, creative, illogical brain isn't really compatible with the places that are hiring. It's gotta happen sometime though, right?

So all this stuff has my mind in a panic and I feel myself starting to scramble. Of course I've been doing the looking for a new job thing. I have been actively doing that bit for a while now. I have also been thinking about selling some of my stuff. Thing is though, I really don't have much to sell. I could have a yard sale or something, but that's really not going to get me much. No one wants some crappy DVDs if I don't even want them anymore. Porkys anyone?

I did decide to sell these keepsake/gift boxes though. They are made from vintage record covers and are really cool. I made them for myself and I've made them as gifts too (with more gifts inside!). I am taking the four I have left and putting them up for sale on Etsy. Started my own shop and everything! I guess if they sell I can maybe make some more and sell them too. It'd be nice to actually MAKE some money rather than lose it to medical expenses and the like.

Oh, also, on a side note: I've started a site to highlight some of my photography. The web address is davilaphotography.wordpress.com. I figure I can put up some of my work and possibly get people interested. Maybe eventually I can sell matted/framed prints or something. Would you wanna buy one?

Public Opinion

2010-04-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

I've always been pretty crap in social situations. Everyone who knows me, knows that to be true. It takes more than just a first meeting to see the person I am and it takes A LOT more to see the person that I can be. The only thing is, it takes more than one or two contrived social interactions to get to that point.

I won't say I don't care completely what other peoples opinions are of me. Whether it's trying to make new friends, maintain the ones I have, or make a good impression for other reasons, people and their opinion of me can matter. At this point though, I can't be bothered to worry about such things. I've got enough on my mind to care what anyone thinks of me.

Of course I'm not gonna be dead about it, and just not care. The mean stuff is still gonna hurt a bit. Right now though, I've got it all narrowed down. I hold some people and their opinions way above everyone else, and in doing so, I'm able to care a lot less what others think. As long as I have those people who see me for who I am, love me and care about me, I could really give a damn about anyone else or what they think.

Now it might be selfish or self-centered to also push other people and their feelings aside in the process. All just to maintain my own sense of happiness and stability and reach that place where I can maintain a truly happy life. Thing is, life is way too short and way too unpredictable to worry about every single person and how they feel and what they will think. I have to look out for MY-self and for those that I love above all else. If I can do that, I'll definitely be able to be proud of myself.

I Make Stuff

2010-03-04T18:17:00.000-08:00

Adventures In Bloggersitting

2010-03-04T08:22:00.000-08:00

Blogging is hard. Not like serious manual labor hard or curing diseases hard or anything like that. I'm just sayin', keeping a blog from drifting off into obscurity is pretty damn difficult. Maybe I'm finding my life becoming so uninteresting that the best stuff I can come up with is "…" or even "um…uh, yea." AWKWARD PAUSE!

It could be that my life is TOO interesting. A secret life of mystery and intrigue. Spies in disguise, lies, and alibis… Bonkers type stuff. I could be Jason Bourne or even Tom Ripley for all you know (Matt Damon man-crush alert!). This year is the year I vowed to kick-start a life full of adventures, big or small. Maybe I'm just keeping up with that promise. Maaaaybe…

So which is it? I'll be honest, I'm not really gonna tell you. If it's the super boring option, well, that does me no good. No point in letting you all realize just how droll and mundane I really am. I'd like to keep that a secret (shh!). Yes, I actually think there's the possibility that people find me interesting and intriguing. DELUSIONAL!

What if it's the other option, hmm? What if I am having the best time of my life right now? Totally possible. The recent past hasn't really been very nice, more like a bunch of blah with Multiple Sclerosis being the cherry on top. If anything, now would be a good time to be living it up, taking chances, and going for the gold. If it is the crazy exciting stuff though, I probably can't tell you about it. Don't want to get arrested and sent to jail for being extra awesome.

My blog is a reflection of my life. I keep quiet and hush-hush during the fun moments and get super talky when things aren't going so great. I tend to keep the good stuff on a need-to-know type level because, to me, it's too personal to share. All the bad stuff, even medical junk that should be personal, I have an easier time sharing. It's bad stuff, garbage, so it's easier for me to throw it out for everyone to read. The stuff that makes me smile, that stuff is mine. I put it in a nice little box and keep it safe, away from everyone else. Sometimes I'll open the box up and let some of you look inside. Occasionally I'll even share if you're someone special.

Just know that if the blog here is empty for a while, it's not that bad. I haven't died or fallen into some deep depression. Odds are, it's the complete opposite. I could be living a boring life or an adventurous one, but it's a life I'm enjoying too much to stop and write about. Of course when I'm ready to reflect on everything, I'll write with humor, a bizarre outlook, and funny pictures to illustrate. You'll be totally entertained!

What's New???

2010-02-26T14:52:00.000-08:00

SORRY if the volume is a bit low (or at least it is on THIS computer...)

You Might Be Friends With A Turd

2010-02-03T08:37:00.000-08:00

Multiple Sclerosis is an odd little bastard. It does some messed up stuff to some people. It took away some of the feeling in my hands and I was super pissed about that for a while, but I've moved on. For now at least. The thing is, despite all the shitty things it does, there is at least one big positive that MS brings about if you let it.

When I first started to deal with this mess, I posted a random bit of "oh, why me? why MS?" on Twitter and out of the wilderness came a few kind responses from people I didn't know. These were people I'd never talked to before and yet they offered words of encouragement. I was a bit weirded out, seeing as I don't talk to strangers (or even people I actually DO know), but I decided to choose one of those strangers (hi Dana!) and reply back. The replies went back and forth. It was the early stages of what became a genuine friendship.

I say "MS Friends" to people, which may make it sound like it is not as important or on the same level as a normal friendship but that isn't the case at all. I care deeply for the few real friends I have. It doesn't matter if they have MS or not. The interesting thing though is how deep a connection or bond can be made between people you don't even get to see. They become like long lost friends you talk to online because they've since moved far far away.

Why do I mention this stuff today? Well, one of my MS Friends, is going to be in for something big. Jackie (from over at MSUnderstood) will be going through a 3 stage process of a total colectomy. Now I haven't known Jackie for an eternity, but at the same time she is definitely one of those long lost friends. We haven't met face to face and yet I care about her deeply and wish nothing but the best for her. Hearing the news hit me just as much as if I had heard it from a family member (and not one of those cousins I could give a a crap about, I'm talking immediate family!). If I was one of those people who prayed, she'd be in my prayers. I guess she'll just have to settle for my best wishes.

The point of all this is, while MS is a bitch there is one thing that I am glad it gave me. Friendships. There is an MS community out there, and just like a regular community it's filled with all sorts of people. Of course there are weirdos and annoying people and those you'd rather not talk to, but that's just like your local community. I definitely encourage getting out there into the community and finding those few individuals you click with. MS sucks hard, but having friends who you can rely on for moral support for that junk (and life in general) is a good thing and you are missing out if you don't have that already.

Take care Jackie, I'm rooting for you!

Updates? Not Really...

2010-01-27T14:43:00.001-08:00

Wow. I haven't written here in a while. A shame, considering how entertaining I am... (Insert sounds of a crowd laughing at how ridiculous that was).

Anyway, I haven't been up to too much. Nothing I would want to discuss anyway (ooh! mystery!). I've actually just been working here and there. Hanging out with friends and such. Watching a bunch of TV. Generally just keeping myself busy and happy for the most part. No huge developments in my life just yet. If there is, I'll let you know.

As for the health thing, I went and took some tests for my memory and the guy said I actually have a pretty good memory. Kinda confusing considering how much of a dope I feel sometimes. I'm a birdbrain! Whatever, the results were positive, so I am not gonna obsess.

Otherwise, I haven't got much else to tell. I'm boring! Sorry!

Lemme Tell You A Story...

2010-01-07T12:47:00.000-08:00

I'd had episodes before. When MS first attacked, it made me tingly from the chest down. I had sooo much trouble walking! It eventually went away, but then it happened again a few years later. Only on one side of my body, it included my face though. That was strange and made me feel like that Batman villain, Two-Face. Those times, my body was pretty wacky but eventually things would get back to the way they were before.

Almost a year ago I had my last relapse. It wasn't as bad as before. The tingling wasn't all over and I thought that was a relief. Only trouble was how much of an effect it had on my hands. I had trouble doing just about anything that required a small amount of coordination. Pouring drinks, holding a fork, tying my shoes... It was so frustrating!

What really hurt was struggling to hold a pen. My writing has always been clear. Fluid. I've taken pride in that. With such near-useless hands I was writing like a child. Like a mental patient. I couldn't sign my name, not like before, and I love my signature. It was embarrassing to say the least.

After a few months I began to resign myself to the fact that, this time, things weren't going to go back to the way they were. It had been too long, longer than before. It was quite a disappointing concept to wrap my mind around. There were things I wasn't going to be able to do ever again. Holy hell, that's one of the worst feelings. Total sense of loss.

Funny things happen though. Especially when you're not worrying about them. No, the tingling in my hands never went away. Slowly though I had less trouble holding, grasping, doing the things I had so much trouble with. One day, out of sheer boredom, I absentmindedly picked up a pen and started to doodle and write. After a few minutes I realized what I was actually doing and I was shocked! That was one of the best moments. Now I can sign my name again.

Recently I was complimented by a stranger when I used my credit card and signed for the payment. "It's like an artist" she told me. I smiled, beaming and radiating so much happiness. I may have lost a sense of how my hands felt before, but I've gained an appreciation for so many things. For the ability to do little things. For the sense of overcoming things I thought were lost causes. For the little things in life. A signature may not mean much to you, but when I look at mine I see myself. I didn't lose myself.

Lisztomania

2009-12-22T13:45:00.000-08:00

My 5 Favorite Songs To Sing In The Shower...

Welcome to the Dark Corners of My Mind

2009-12-19T23:31:00.000-08:00

My day today was uneventful, but interesting indeed. Not for me, but I am sure for those within my reach. I think I let my emotions get the best of me and my depressive side really stepped up and took over. It made for a pretty embarrassing day.

I decided to say things I probably never should have, and expressed stuff... stuff I knew was probably a mistake in the first place. I decided to just let a certain part of me take control and make decisions for my own interests, without consideration for anyone else. I mean, that is what I still want to do anyway if I'm gonna be honest. I would continue down that path if I could, but I think I hold the feelings of some people over my own. And here I thought I was a selfish individual. I guess this time, not so much. Evolution!

Oh well, these blah days happen. It's normal or something. I'd just rather they didn't happen as much. They happen to me lots these days. Oh well, just got to roll with the punches, let it pass, and whatever happens, it happens. It's just part of my life. If you wanna be in it you gotta expect it to happen. Except, I'd just rather not run people off. I have a very small number of true friends as it is.

Ugh. That reminds me of anther thing that bugs me. It's like, okay Damon, you have had enough trouble as it is with the whole social thing. Never been a winner on that front. Guess what, now it's gonna be harder! Seriously?!? So now I gotta throw in some unpredictable crazy moods, an uncooperative body (that I mean, come on, was never gonna win any awards anyway), and all this other crazy shit? Yea, I'm a freakin' catch. You know, if someone ever decides to put up with me on a permanent basis, I am pretty sure they are certifiably insane. Good thing I like insane.

Well, enough rambling for now. Tune in next time when the topic of discussion will be - "Mayonnaise: Condiment or Super-Gross Devil Concoction"

Who is Damon?

2009-12-19T18:22:00.000-08:00

Secrets & Lies

2009-12-16T17:25:00.000-08:00

Um, okay, so I never go into situations with a plan. It just doesn't happen. If I start to think about how I should enter into a situation, or how I should handle certain stuff, I just end up thinking TOO hard on the matter at hand. Overthinking at it's finest.

How does it look from this angle? From that angle? What are all the possible outcomes? How can I make it so that all the negative results are canceled out and only the good stuff remains? Determine all the possible moves and their end results and figure out what is best... You know, I'm beginning to think that my childhood has screwed me over.

What do I mean by that? Well, okay, so here's an example - Choose Your Own Adventure books. Yes, those books were AWESOME! I mean you start reading a story and at some point you're presented with options as to what sort of action to take. It continues on like that. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. Sometimes you cheat and turn back the pages to that crucial fork in the road. The point is, with these books, you start to really focus on decision-making and the numerous pitfalls that can result from making the wrong move. Seriously! Sometimes you would actually fall DOWN A PIT!

All I know is that it's exactly what I tend to do with all of life's decisions. I think about all these things. I analyze and pick and prod until I get fed up and tell myself to forget the whole thing. Either that or I come to a conclusion, but by then the opportunity has passed. No matter what, I end up screwing myself out of experiences because I don't wanna fall down a pit and admit I made a stupid mistake.

So what I have been trying to do is just ignore my natural tendencies and try and be a bit more impulsive. A bit more brazen. A bit more adventurous. Of course I'm not gonna be wild and crazy, that's just not me. I am low key. Still, I am gonna do a few things that I probably wouldn't do otherwise. If I end up doing something stupid, so be it. At least I did it. Plus, I am confident that I am at least smart enough to make certain decisions that will keep me from ending up completely screwed.

I might end up pissing some people off though. If one of them is you, well, sorry!

Don't Say You'll Never Be Angry With Me, Just Say You'll Forgive Me

2009-12-08T23:10:00.000-08:00

Got an appointment with my Neurologist in a few hours. First thing in the morning. I've actually been looking forward to it for a few days. Not exactly sure why I should look forward to such things. I could remember a time when the idea of going to see a doctor was nightmarish. I avoided doctors like they were gonna chop off my hoo-hoo-dilly. Then again, back then it was for stupid stuff like a flu or something. Stuff I could handle on my own with some over the counter medication and a little patience. Walk it off! Now here I am in a totally different situation, so I guess it's not that surprising that my attitude is different as well.

So I am going just as a check-in sort of thing. Last time I was in I was getting my off-work order extended so I could get more temporary disability checks while I searched for work. While I was there we discussed how I was feeling (no different, nothing new except the additional bad feelings from the seasonal weather changes). Then she tells me to come back in December so we could check in again and go over some blood tests I would take right before. So I've taken my tests (easy-peasy), and now I'm ready to go. I don't expect anything, but that could be why I actually look forward to these things. To reaffirm that there isn't anything new that is wrong with me. No news is good news, am I right?

I'm also planning on bringing up some of the brain issues I feel like I've got going on. I feel like I have serious memory problems. Sometimes I seem to *think* I see things, but I'm wrong. At times I'll overlook things a bunch before I actually see them. I'll also bring up how at work I get zapped after about an hour and a half when all I've really been doing is sorting and putting away movies. Maybe it's the being on my feet thing, maybe it's the brain stuff, maybe it's the combo. Either way it's a hurdle and while I don't think she can really do anything about it, I feel like I should mention it.

One thing I am NOT looking forward to is when they do that whole check my blood pressure and my weight thing. Now my blood pressure has never really been a problem, so I am not worried about that, but my weight isn't gonna be good. Nope. Not at all. By my estimates over this past year I've gained over 20 pounds. Ugh. I know, it's all pretty much my own fault, but we all know it's not that easy to take care of. Every time I get that spirit to exercise it lasts only so long and then my body just quits. The soreness sticks around longer and longer each time and the spirit to work out disappears. So, this weigh-in will just be another reminder of my downhill slide towards uggghs-ville. All I know is, while I'm aware I gotta work alot harder at doing better with all this stuff, I can only PRAY that someone will be able to look past my exterior mess and appreciate the Damon inside.

Well, I'm sure if anything actually interesting comes up at the appointment then I'll write it down here in my own weird sort of way. Otherwise, just assume that everything is as normal as it's gonna be for me, nothings changed, and that scale I was frowning at wasn't kind to me.

A Foggy Day (In London Town)

2009-12-03T16:18:00.000-08:00

So I feel like maybe if I write a blog entry, I might be able to gather all my loose thoughts that are floating around in this really thick fog of "guh?" that's up in my head right now. So, just ride the ride, it's not really cohesive but maybe if I add pictures it'll be interesting.

So while having a chat, I came to the conclusion that I need to not worry about certain things anymore. Like work. You know, if I get canned then I get canned. Oh well. I mean, I might be screwed, but if I am then it was bound to happen eventually. That may sound a bit defeatist but I swear that's not what it's meant to be. What I'm saying is I am going to do what I can, and that's all I can ask of myself. If that's not good enough for them then I really shouldn't be there. Same goes for people too. If they don't like me for all the cool stuff I do AS WELL as the awful, stupid, foot-in-mouth type stuff then it's just not meant to be or whatever. Either way, I am gonna go at it with a more hopeful attitude and I'm gonna tell you right now I'm really hopeful about a few things and a few people.

Vague!

So I started to write a children's book. Who knows if it's any good, but I think if I actually worked on it, it could be a nice little thing. Even if it gets finished, who knows if anything could be made of it. Think about this though, there are two people out there wearing shirts that have two different designs on them that I made. I made those designs. ME. And they're on a shirt. So why can't I write a children's book and have someone somewhere read this to their kid?

Possibilities!

I think I've found my new favorite outing. A couple that I am friends with are kind enough to open their apartment door and let me in and we entertain each other with TV, food, and fun (through various board/card games). Yes you guys, it really is that easy. I could be having the most crappy of weeks, but being able to get out and do something simple and get some lots-of-laughs really brings up my spirits. If you're reading, you guys deserve a T.A.B.!

Thanks A Bunch!

The Internet is a weird place. I mean, I've never been so "socially networked" like I am now. Some of you I've never met, but we can say things to each other, have an inside joke or something, and we might even have conversations that end up putting a smile on my face. These talks could even end up surprising me and actually have a major impact on my life and it's future. You never know. People are surprising. I may even surprise you darlings out there.

I'm talking to you!

I really need to work on living a better, healthier, more aware of my MS type life. I go around basically ignoring good-sense until symptoms slap me in the face like a pimp looking for his money. I should learn some skills or something. Maybe that'll be my New Year's Resolution.

Goals!

I try and be completely honest with people. Sometimes I say too much.

Shut Your Mouth! (Shaft!)

Okay, well, this took me quite a while to write and rewrite and clean up all the typos and things that made no sense (stupid brain!). Did it help clear the fog? A little. I think it made some space and got me to focus on one thing at a time instead of everything all at once. Now if I can find my missing ticket I'm looking for, that'd be great. Later haters!

Pleasantville

2009-12-01T13:45:00.000-08:00

I've been whining, haven't I? That's what a blog is for anyways. Yep. Still, I'm gonna admit it and and make a promise to you fine folks. You guys, I'm gonna stop complaining (lies) and I'm gonna be totally entertaining (optimism at best) and I'm gonna be positive (maybe, we'll see...). Totally!

Anyway. Let me discuss some of the good stuff that's been going on. For onesies, I've been having fun talking to people and not being all solitary confinement. That's been nice. I love you people. Some more than others obviously! A big thanks to you guys for keeping me company and making my days a bit more enjoyable.

For twosies, today I went submitted an application for enrollment for some Living Well With MS program that will start sometime in the new year. Their last session got canceled for under-enrollment (I found out too late to enroll, so I guess that was partially my fault. Sorry!). So maybe I will actually learn a thing or two and start to do things better or something. You know, be good about stuff. Optimism!

Threesies! I've decided to be daring. Yea, daring. Okay, so it may not actually happen, at least not all at once. All I know is, if I see an opportunity pop up and I start to hesitate, I'm gonna try and be all gung-ho and just go for it! Look, that's not really my nature, so it's not gonna be easy, but I'm gonna give it a shot. Who knows what'll happen, but if something cool does happen, you'll be the first to know!

Okay, well, there's my latest update. I know, totally exciting right? You almost peed your pants! Next time brace yourself... and maybe take a pass on that 7-11 Super Big Gulp.

Tee Two: Judgement Day

2009-12-01T11:15:00.000-08:00

Someone bought the other T-shirt I designed. They didn't wanna send in a picture of themselves wearing it, but sent in a picture of the shirt anyway. Here it is:

Everybody's Workin For The Weekend

2009-11-30T23:21:00.000-08:00

Here are 2 reasons why I have so much trouble at work...

1. I get tired... quick. I don't pace myself right off the bat and then I get pooped and start pacing myself. Then they look at me like I'm being lazy (since they don't know about the MonSter). I freak out a little over it and that just makes me more tired. Keyword: Tired.

2. My brain...just...doesn't...work. It doesn't. I'll see something over and over and yet forget it almost instantly. I get baffled trying to find something and will look over and over in the same spot and see absolutely nothing. Then I will look in the same spot again and see it. Oh, and when someone says something to me or explains stuff, I just go blank. Blank. When people talk to me and try to explain things to me, this is what they see:

Yes. That is me. If you're ever wondering what I look like classmates, that is essentially what I look like.

So in summation, I suck at my job and I need to either figure something out or get better quick, because they are starting to show signs of dissatisfaction. I have a feeling that soon enough this is gonna be one of those their way or the highway situations, and I'll be the one walking down the road.

Casette 1. Side A. "People Are Strange"

2009-11-30T12:01:00.000-08:00

The following is taken from my first entry into "The Outraged Person's Guide To Surviving MS", a project started by Lori K. of the blog 12 December 2008

We're all different, aren't we classmates? And what happens to you or me or he or she or anyone who deals with Multiple Sclerosis is gonna have a different perspective when it comes to all this stuff. You hear that almost the instant you discover MS.

It's like the first sentence in the handbook. Everyone's MS symptoms and effects are different. You read that and go, "Gee, thanks, that doesn't help me whatsoever when I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with me". The bizarre things that happen to our bodies without explanation are maddening. Not like life-stuff isn't frustrating enough already. Life for people with MS is serious toughness. Especially for the undiagnosed.

I was undiagnosed for years. I was told the tingling and the numbness were my fault. I was told: You're out of shape, that's the reason. You're stressed, that's the reason. You're... (*doctor shrugs*) sick? MS and it's undefinedness, combined with doctors who run the system like a business instead of like actual healthcare, can drive a person insane. Later when you're diagnosed they will tell you that stress will worsen your condition. So maybe a lawsuit is in order for all those years of misery.

Anyway, back on point, we're all different. Duh. But there is something you can't blame on MS and the symptom grab-bag, and that is awful people. Lori touched on it, but I want to rant a bit more. There's a community out there (and it's pretty damn big) that believe saying your prayers and eating your vitamins are gonna solve the big problems. Throw in "the power of positivity" and you got yourself a recipe for eww.

Chat rooms of MS'ers are out there full of people who pray for each other and discuss the next wacky theory that might solve this bizarre disease. Websites are up that tell you that Multiple Sclerosis is merely a hiccup in a life and you can live easy-peasy as everyone else if you just stay positive. Then there are the people who are more concerned about the politics of MS rather than their own health. All of these people form the majority because they are loud, pushy, and rally like crazy. Meanwhile those of us who are realistic and NORMAL just go about our business and chat with our friends and avoid our families (don't lie, you know you do).

Because of normalcy, our web-presence is obviously lacking. The internet is basically weirdos, funny cat pictures and pornography. Finding real people like us is tough. Yes, I just called myself real. Real weird! (These are the jokes people, start laughing) But it's like I've said when talking to my MS buddies whenever the new big MS thing hits the web - These people are so unreal. All the "living with MS is easy" crap is warping the minds of people without MS. It's also harming new MS'ers.

Poor newbies. They're shamed into thinking that they are damaged if they aren't positive and active. Shamed because they aren't smiling while their body does whatever it wants without reason. Shamed into believing they aren't normal. Instead, people need to be able to read about how people handle life, good or bad. No discussions, no debates, just lay it all out and let people decide for themselves how to live their own lives.

No one is perfect, no one is normal. We're all freaks. MS or not. People need to get that through their thick skulls and maybe be a whole lot less uptight. How about we let people live their lives without shoving agenda down their throats, without pressuring with positivity, without forcing Jesus or whoever on them. Calm down, be a little less rah-rah-rah, and be a little more cool. Remember cool? Fonzie was cool. Be more Fonzie.

I Would Walk 500 Miles

2009-11-29T16:06:00.000-08:00

Life is complicated, am I right classmates? Teachers always be telling you to quiet down and do your work... Whatevs, old person! Us boys just wanna act aggressively and them girls just wanna have fun. Pokemon! Lisa Frank stickers!

Back on point. Life is complicated. Especially when it comes to the whole human interaction and relating thing. No? For me it is. I never know exactly what I'm doing when it comes to these matters. I think I operate on a different wavelength than normal people do because I don't really do things that people usually do. I don't understand things people seem to understand. I can't read signals and signs and all that and I'm oblivious to all those things. I'm better at other stuff, I swear. I just need a little help when it comes to these things, because history has shown that I don't seem to handle them very well all by myself.

When I get into that spot where I can feel relaxed enough to be myself and humorous and all that mess, I can do fairly well for myself. The problem is, I don't seem to stay in that spot for very long. I'll get tripped up on something, stick my foot in my mouth or fall into a misunderstanding-pit or whatever and next thing I know I'm back to not knowing how to handle myself or what to say. Most times I'll panic and say something even more stupid. If I'm lucky I'll just shut up, but I've never been good at being quiet. Even when I was a kid, I'd get in trouble just for talking. Talking! Oh, it's such a crime...

So over time I think maybe I'll learn from my mistakes and get better. The only thing is, I really haven't gotten any better. I'm still the same awkward weirdo that I've always been. I guess the key is to find people who appreciate awkward weirdos, and understand that I operate differently than most people do. Maybe. Then again, maybe not. Just gonna have to wait and find out.

I'm A Pair Of Shoes

2009-11-23T11:21:00.000-08:00

Seriously. I've started to identify with my own shoes. Have I gone wacko or what? Here are my shoes...

(You can thank my crappy phone for the terrible quality)

So there are my shoes. People have told me they look ugly. Now they are coming apart a little. They probably need to be replaced. For all of these statements, I could say the same about myself. Does no one like these shoes but me?

Everyone needs a pair of shoes. No one wants these.

Little Updates Made Of Ticky-Tacky

2009-11-22T08:47:00.000-08:00

What has been going on with me lately? Well, I am slowly easing myself back into working a crappy job. Thankfully they aren't pushing me to do alot more just yet (they don't know about the MonSter, shh!), and well, I'm just glad to get a few hours here and there. Honestly, I'd leave the job in a second if I found something else a little better, but you take what you can get, right?

Anyway, what else is going on? Well, not a ton. I was benched from doing my theater surveys, so no more free movies for a while. Bummer. I've had some really good chats lately that have definitely made my days, which is nice. I'm not exactly sure what to do about some situations, but I am gonna just enjoy what I can and basically gloss over stuff I don't have answers to. I got to spend a nice evening in with some friends, an awesome couple who are just geeky enough so I don't feel like I'm the big dork in the room. Oh, also the first person to buy one of the t-shirts I designed got a hold of me and sent me a photo of her wearing it!

So there we go. That was some serious update action right up in your face. Hope you enjoyed it.

The Best Things Seem Out Of Reach

2009-11-20T00:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I could just pick up and move. I don't have much saved (2k, although another 5k is owed to me but that's a different story altogether), and I don't have a vehicle, or much in the way of skills and talent... but I mean, it could be done right? Right?

See, it's the uncertainty. That's why I don't do it. I cannot handle uncertainty. If there are too many questions to be answered, and not enough structure for me to settle in to, I basically freak out. Not like an external freak out where I end up doing destructive things to others. More like an internal freak out where I end up shutting down and cutting myself off from just about everything. It's the stress that does it.

Maybe if I knew what situation I was getting into. In my other moves, I was going to school, or moving in with other people. There were friends and people who I knew would be there if I needed someone. Foundation, no matter how shaky, is still something I can work with. There's nothing out there, outside of California, that I can think of. Where is the backup?

Or is that the point? I could just do it and deal with all the problems as they arise. Finding a place. Finding a job. Making sure I am on top of my medical bills and the rest of those awful monetary pitfalls. Just give it my best shot and win, lose, or draw I could say I did it.

I really have no clue. I think that's actually my motto or the title of my self-help book or something - "I Have No Clue (and you can do it too!)" by Damon. Seriously though, do you have any suggestions? Opinions? Do you wanna yell at me because I am being so stupid? Probably the latter, but either way I wouldn't mind hearing what you have to say... (Uh oh, did I just open Pandora's Box of Awful?)

Professor Don Weiner

2009-11-17T20:49:00.000-08:00

They Never Taught Us That In School

2009-11-17T14:35:00.000-08:00

Am I really that bad? I have been asking myself that almost every day. I read the stories, the accounts of people and their struggles with the MonSter and it just confuses me further. It seems to me that some people have it pretty darn bad, and I am actually doing good. So why is it that when I am in situations where I shouldn't have a problem, I totally suck? I hate it, but I keep coming back to the conclusion that it isn't my MS that is causing all the trouble. It's me! It has to be. I just am not good at this whole living life like a normal human being thing.

I think this whole work thing just has me all in a twist. I have a job that pretty much anyone can do, and yet all I do is worry that I'm gonna screw up or not be able to handle it. I worry about my brain and how my mind just seems to go blank and stay blank. I worry about how tired I get after being there for only an hour or two. I worry about not being able to keep up and do everything that is expected of me. I look at coworkers and I wonder why these silly people can do things with ease while I'm slow to learn things and complete the little tasks I'm given.

Of course, all that thinking and worrying is just making it worse. What little brainpower I have left these days is quickly used up and wasted on these crazy concerns. When I actually need my mind to work, it just doesn't. Then I get that blank look on my face, my mouth hanging open slightly and my eyes glazed over... These people at work are gonna start to think I am on drugs or something.

So what do I do? Well, I've tried looking over all the information about disability and SSI and all that crap and after maybe reading a paragraph, my mind just shuts down and I can't concentrate or take in any more. I've tried to read this stuff like a bajillion times but I can't get any information. I might as well be reading some random book in a foreign language, because I am not getting a word of it. None of it makes a lick of sense to me. If I can't even read the stuff, how am I supposed to figure out if I qualify?

I asked my neurologist a while back about the whole disability thing while I was in the process of getting my diagnosis. She told me I'd essentially have to be blind or in a wheelchair to get anything to happen. That's... Ugh. Did MS really have to be practically invisible? As for the people who determine if I qualify or not, aren't the MRIs showing crazy spots and stuff in my brain and spine enough? The fact that I have to live with this for the rest of my life, is that not something serious? A pox on your houses!

I'd ask for help, but I have no clue who to ask. Plus, I get the sense that I'd be fighting a losing battle. So after all this, all I end up doing is telling myself to forget about it and focus on getting over my struggles with work. It would really be a huge help, and I would love to leave home once again, but at this point it all seems... It's just not gonna happen. What's the word I'm looking for?... Dismal.

One Big Holiday

2009-11-15T13:43:00.000-08:00

It's just another one of those days. "Those days" where nothing specific happens but I can actually feel myself falling downward. Down the drain and into that dark space where all I can see is the bad stuff. I don't expect anyone to feel bad for me or anything, it's not like something particular happened today. This stuff seems to happen all the time now. I understand that there are factors in AND out of my control that contribute to this sucky feeling, I just wish it wasn't happening. Period.

Each time this happens, I seem to find some other piece of my life I am dissatisfied with to focus on. This time it is the whole job thing. I'm pissed with myself for being less than grateful that I've found a job. I'm angry that I didn't do enough early on so I could get a job I would be happy with. I'm upset that I can't figure out some way to make a living so I can be more independent and leave home once again. I'm bothered by the way I don't feel like I fit in, no matter where I am. Oh, and I'm beyond angry that I get tired so goddamned fast and it hurts to walk, stand, or even bend down to sit.

Now it's not like I expect all or even one or two of these things to change. It's more probable they will never change. That's my experience anyway. The only thing I can even imagine happening is some sort of crazy miracle, where in the end I end up happy and everything works out perfect without me even trying. Do you know why that would happen? It would happen because it would just be another moment of the universe screwing with me. Messing with my mind and proving once more that I know nothing at all.

So what conclusions have I come to today? Well, I need to get used to sudden moments of depression. I should also find a partner and we should go out on the road as grifters, conning people out of their savings so that I can one day live comfortably. Then I won't have to think so hard about the stuff I have been worrying about today. Instead I'll just have to worry about things like being arrested or being double-crossed or something like that. I would much rather worry about that crazy stuff anyway. Better to deal with insanity than the mundane.

Oh, and if I could find someone to keep me company, that'd be great too. Actually, that would be pretty huge.

Dreaming Is Real

2009-11-12T18:03:00.000-08:00

Remember this??
So dreams sometimes do come true... First there was pizza. DREAM COME TRUE! Then there was Wes Anderson movies. DREAM COME TRUE! Of course there's women. DREAM COME TRUE! And let's not forget... Jesus? Well, whatever. The point is, sometimes if you want something it can totally happen. This hat knows whats up -

Don't get confused, I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT HAT! Okay, once you stop crying about the hat...

Anyway in that previous post I made a picture using a photograph I took and I thought it'd be totally cool to have it on a t-shirt... And now it is!

You can buy a shirt now with that picture on it! My picture! Some of the proceeds go to your local National Multiple Sclerosis Society chapter, so good deed done. More importantly, you'll have a shirt designed by Damon!!!

If you get a shirt, take a picture wearing it or putting it on your dog. Send the pic in and I'll post it along with a huge YAAAAAAY!

A Bit Of 70s Spirit

2009-11-11T20:30:00.000-08:00

OUTATIME

2009-11-10T21:48:00.000-08:00

Okay, I get it. So I can't over-do things or whatever. I heard everyone tell me that, but come on. That's just not fair. Let me do stuff! It's not like I am trying to do a marathon or something.

Let us go over my day for a bit. From my morning until I went in to fill out papers for the new job this afternoon at 1.

After dragging myself out of bed and getting up at 9 I went into the living room and hopped onto my laptop. I discovered some awesome deal at Target for some DVDs so I had some printing of coupons to do. My problem was that I couldn't connect to the network printer so I ended up spending two hours working out all the crazy details due to the host computer's switch to Windows 7 and my own wacky settings. Two hours. But it's computer stuff. Not very physical except the occasional walking back and forth between computers (7 feet apart). Not too bad.

I start to feel the time crunch, but not too bad. After I beat the printer problem I decided to oblige a request to put some music on my sister's iPhone along with a cool Freaks & Geeks ringtone. That's definitely not physical, but it gave me a hell of a time because I had to mess with some of the settings and it was just more pain-in-the-ass stuff I was dealing with. Of course I am also paying attention to the clock which is telling me now I only have an hour and a half until I have to leave.

Well, then I decide I can squeeze in some exercise. I am trying to be better at that stuff, and my plan is to try and cycle at least 10 miles every day on the exercise bike. That plus a shower and all that made it a tight squeeze for the time I had left, but I did it anyway. I actually did pretty well. I was a bit sore but less than I thought I would be. After the shower and getting ready I was actually feeling pretty good.

All the annoyances and work and exercise I had to tackle was conquered one at a time and I was ready to go. So off I went, feelin' good. Well off I go. I make a stop beforehand at a store nearby and when I finally got to the job to fill out papers, I'm standing in an air conditioned environment and I realize I am sweating like crazy. What the hell? And I feel like everything I did all day just hit me all at once like a ton of bricks. Thankfully I didn't really have to anything but fill out a form, nod, agree and smile. But for realsies... I was wiped out.

Yea, I know it's my fault. I didn't keep an eye on my energy meters and account for the fact that I lose energy faster than normal people. What can I say? I'm stupid. Well, maybe it's just the whole thing is still new to me. I have to learn my own limits. But right now I'm in the "all or nothing" mode still. Some days I'd rather go all out and take care of business. Other days I'd rather just sit and watch television. Let's face it, those TV day are most days.

Whatever. All I know is, by that point it was only mid-day and I was no longer in the position to do anything energy taxing, and that included dealing with people. So after I had finished my paperwork and left for Target to take advantage of that super deal (remember? this morning? the printer problems?) I was in no mood for any guff. So when the guff came my way I pretty much hit them with all I had.

Was I rude? Yes. Did they deserve it? Oh absolutely. They were terrible at their job. I have worked at Target before, and my mother works there now. I know what needed to be done was easy. Too bad they were just beyond awful and didn't know how to do their own job. I was "Stern Damon" and I was more than willing to yell as loud as need be. Was my demeanor linked to my irresponsibility with my energy levels? Probably. You know what though? Too bad. She deserved it. No apologies from me. Not this time. Maybe next time.

All and all I ended up getting stuff done, getting a hell of a deal, and getting a monster headache. I know I could have handled things better, but hindsight is 20-20 and I can't go back and change anything. Not yet anyway. Not until I get my DeLorean. Then it's 88 m.p.h baby!

Raditude

2009-11-07T22:50:00.001-08:00

Standing in the cold, outside behind the Best Buy in Chino Hills, I'm waiting to get autographs from the members of my favorite band - Weezer. They've been in that position, officially, since 1994… or was it 1995? Hell if can remember such details these days. If I had known then that my brain wires were gonna start to break, I would have written stuff down, taken more photos, or at least purchased an extended warranty.

Anyway, it is really cold out here! This can't be good for me and my wacky temperature-sensitive MS body. Maybe if I was smart I would have worn a jacket. Oh well, at least I have my layers of fat.

There are a few parents out here who have their babies or toddlers or whatever with them out in this cold. Seeing these people makes me question not only them, but myself. Would I do the same? I mean, they are my official favorite band... The fact that I consider it proves - I have bad judgment!

I feel so old here! Well, I feel so old almost everywhere. Except when people start talking about things like kids and careers and all that stuff. I'm still a Toys R Us kid okay?! Anyway, I am pretty sure I am older than quite a few people here. That's sad though. I mean, their first CD came out 15 years ago. So you figure that fans of theirs should be around the 30s area age-wise. These people do not look that old. Where are the OG fans? (Oh yea, those parents with the frozen babies) Most of these people here had to have started with Hash Pipe or Island in the Sun or something... Keep Fishing? Perfect Situation? Jeez, what if they only know Pork & Beans or the new single? These people are bad news bears.

It is nice to have my sister here too. She's gonna get her Muppets metal lunch box signed. Good choice! Me, I'm gonna get CD booklets signed, one for each band member. Rivers can sign his solo CD, "Alone: The Home Recordings of Rivers Cuomo". Pat can sign "Land, Sea, Air" from his own band Special Goodness. I'll have Scott sign "Raditude" and Brian can sign "Maladroit". This way signatures aren't all squeezed onto one little booklet and I get around the 1-Item-Only rule for the autographs. Cleverness!

Looking around, people are getting some silly stuff signed instead of just an album or CD. An XBox? A bottle of tequila? A shoe?! Okay people, come on now. I could have brought one of the shirts I have put away from concerts I went to, but I think what I have will be good. I'm keeping it simple. No need to get all wacky.

Alrighty, I'm going in...

Well that was cool! The guys were nice. Not really talkative, but I mean with all these people you kinda just wanna be in keep-it-moving mode. Except Pat! When I gave Pat the cover of the Special Goodness CD to sign he was like DUUUUUUUDE! He was so psyched, which made me super happy. Then he was telling me they will have a new CD soon and I of course told him I can't wait. So that was nice.

Here are the covers... (Yea, the Raditude one got smeared a little. *sad face*)

And my sister's lunch box...

Afterwards my sister played a little Rock Band on an in-store display that had some Weezer songs loaded onto it and rocked the drums on "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived (Variations On A Shaker Hymn)". Then we watched the band sign some more before we left. On the way out, we got one of the employees to give us each a button that the workers were wearing to promote the event. She got a blue one and I got a green one. Sister wins since blue is cooler, but she's the one who asked, so she gets the better one. Thems the rules.

Well, that went pretty well. I'm satisfied. Best part? When Pat got psyched. Go Pat! The guys seemed real nice and I love the new album. I've had it on repeat for days now. It's been 15 years since the debut, here's to 15 more... Cheers!

I Need This On A Shirt

2009-11-07T02:19:00.000-08:00

This was my creative moment of the night...

That's crazy! Like goldfish crackers and bananas...

2009-11-06T18:00:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about writing a blog for a few days, but it seems to always fall by the wayside. Well, I guess I'm giving it a shot now! It's not gonna be fully fleshed out, mostly I'll just touch on stuff.

I'm dizzy right now, just sitting here on the couch. Isn't it marvelous to know that stuff doesn't even have to happen for there to be dizzyness? Bonkers indeed.

So I found out that my father was looking into ways to maybe get me onto his medical insurance plan from work as a way to try and help me out with the whole insurance payments thing. Very nice of him, but I told him it probably wasn't a good idea. I have a really good thing going for me right now with my plan. I got in pre-diagnosis, so I didn't have any condition that would jack up the rate. I gotta hang on to that. It was a nice thing for him to try and do though.

I'm gonna be starting my new job soon. I'm not too nervous, although I am sure that'll change as the day gets closer. I'm sure I'll be fine (it's not like it is something serious) but there is always stuff to worry about. The usual symptom type stuff. The fatigue. The awful memory and cognitive stuff. The ability to handle stress. Those are things that will always be obstacles for me to have to deal with, so I just gotta get used to it. Just because I have a lame brain doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to handle a stupid job like this one. Plenty of people who are stupid and have no excuse for their boneheadedness are successfully employed. Just ask your mom. Oh snap!

I pronounce "pecans" like you would pronounce the phrase "I bought a can of peas".

My brother told me what will end up on my gravestone. A quote of my own. I guess maybe I need to be more careful about the things I say. Or at least be a little less honest... Quote: "I barely like family, let alone strangers" Welcome to heaven Damon!

How do I deal with my MS? I ignore it. Then it whoops my ass. I'll learn someday that I should be better at things like diet and exercise and know my limits with both of those things, but I am still "fairly" young. I should still be allowed at least a mild level of recklessness. So how do you deal with yours?

Why do I equate being "real" with being cranky and pessimistic? I'm sorry, but when people have this can-do attitude and an outlook on life that any and everything is achievable as long as you believe... those people need to get kicked in the face. Get real. Stuff is tough. You might also wanna throw a little humor into your repertoire. Serious people suck. Oh, and feel free to throw in some colorful language, fucker.

2 notes -

1. Note to people I talk to regularly: I adore you. Thank you for putting up with my crap.
2. Note about the image usage in this blog: I just picked a phrase out of each paragraph and did a google image search. Didn't it really spice it up?! :-)

A Letter From The Desk Of Damon Davila

2009-11-03T11:19:00.001-08:00

Dear credit card company rewards program,

I was only a handful of points away from earning a $100 Visa gift card and now you double the required amount of points? Really? Assholes! I mean come on now. Not fair. Not fair at all. I call shenanigans on this one.

Who am I kidding? This happens to me constantly. All the goddamned time. Why should I be surprised now? Well, despite that fact, I'd still appreciate it if you people at "Dreampoints" go fuck yourselves.

Thanks,
Damon

It's Oh So Nerdy

2009-11-02T18:00:00.000-08:00

Weezer ft. Sara Bareilles - (If You're Wondering If I Want You to) I Want You To...

Some people might not think Weezer is good anymore and that their first two albums are the only ones worth anything. I think they're still good, just different.

Anyway, I enjoyed the video. In fact I think I had a nice little nerd-gasm. A small one. Don't worry, I am still good to go again.

The Invention of Terrible

2009-11-01T10:56:00.000-08:00

Do we expect too much from those in pop music? Not enough?

This is the question that we must ask ourselves. Well, actually I'm not sure about "us", I don't know what kind of music you listen to. I don't even listen to pop music. Well, in the sense that I don't listen to Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake, Usher or whatever. But lemme get back on point here. Are those "artists" being asked to do too much by the fans?

Before I start to sound too sympathetic to people I don't even actually care for, let me just start off by telling you what their problem really is. The problem is that pop music is no longer a medium for music. No, apparently people aren't too interested in music anymore. These days pop music is a forum for performers. Performers are very different from musicians. That is clearer now more than ever.

This fact is personified, at least in my mind, by the microphone headset. It is a bit more handy than the classic microphone, since now the person has two free hands instead of one. Where I find a problem is when it's only being used as a prop. There are people on stage who will wear these headsets and dance around pretending to sing. They "perform" for an audience who probably paid outrageous ticket prices and fees to have the privilege to watch such fakery.

So maybe we should just change the genre term completely. Instead of calling it pop music we could call it performance music. They perform music, maybe with their voice, MAYBE, but mostly they are performing for their audience, putting forth an image. But let's face facts people, there's a difference between being a musician and a performer. Sure you can be both, but don't let those fakers out there fool you.

Sure, we have chastised some for such activities, like Ashley Simpson or Milli Vanilli, but how are these people any different from other performers? The ones who dance around like crazy and do so with such intensity that they can't possibly sound their best, no matter how talented they are. So because the audiences today ask for such explosive, high energy, dancy & performy type shows, does that mean that it's okay to just skip the singing part altogether?

So what if their concerts were a bit less dancy, a little less performy, and instead they actually went up to the mic and gave it their all? I bet the crowd would be super pissed. Why? Well probably because they'd realize that the people they paid huge ticket prices to see actually aren't very good at all. Okay, so some of them might actually be good. Totally possible. I think it should happen though, it'd help get rid if some of the crap out there...

So to those pop music performers out there, the ones that are crap - You're lucky as all hell. Thank the heavens above that you're getting away with the stuff you do.

And to those who actually are talented, well, I would give you more credit, but those bad apples are spoiling your bunch. Maybe if you stopped dancing around like crazy though, I might be able to focus on your talent. Or just keep performing. Either way. I mean, I'm not Mr. Music Industry or professor of how to be awesome or whatever. I'm just saying, maybe there's a better way. Or at least a less awful, more happy medium.

Being The Best Me I Can Be

2009-10-31T20:42:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how swift my mood can change, and how the darkness seems to sweep over me. Call it momentary depression, call it being childish, but it is what it is. Just thinking about the past couple of years, I don't think up until now I ever really experienced such extreme emotions before on such a constant basis. It's weird to think that it is probably my brain playing tricks on me. Just thinking that my brain could be responsible for so many things is such a frustrating matter. I can't tell if the feelings I have are genuine, or exacerbated versions of what I would have been able to easily shrug off otherwise. What's genuine anymore?

That stuff makes it real hard to relate to and interact with almost everyone. Am I angry with so and so for a good reason or am I being unreasonable? Is this person unbelievably irritating or is it just me? Do I even really like this person or am I just looking to find more voices to drown out my own? I've always had trouble with people anyway, but now I find myself in an even stranger spot. It's harder to deal with people these days, and this is a time when I need them the most. I can say this though, I am trying my best. In some instances I think I am doing okay, but probably in most instances I come off looking crazy, mean, gross, weird, or like a complete asshole. Can't expect most people to understand how my personality and thought-process works these days, but was it that easy to understand before?

On a night like tonight, I think I just get overwhelmed with being me and all that entails. Tomorrow maybe I'll be awesome and rock at being Damon, but tonight I am not equipped to handle being me. I think I'll go jump off some metaphorical cliff or something. Maybe I can build wings on the way down.

The Last of the Troubadours

2009-10-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

What is "The Last of the Troubadours"? A series of mixtapes that I've made over the years of country music. Country? Really? Well, okay, so this whole thing started after one of those drama filled events that knocked me for a loop. I was all sad and mopey and next thing I know I had the urge to listen to country music. Probably because I was in fact born a human cliche. Oh yea. Cliche is my middle name too. Isn't that sooooo cliche? Okay. Enough of that.

Anyway, when I thought about the "country music" I was listening to I realized that it wasn't what you'd hear if you turned your radio dial to a country station. I'm not even sure if all of it would be considered country at all, but they were country to me. That's what matters. I'm the important one here.

Well, that's how the first volume I made came about. I didn't really plan on making one more, let alone three. Each one different from the last, they each capture a tone and moment in time for me. There's nothing that'd make me happier than for you to listen to and enjoy each of them, experiencing something that I created...

The Last of the Troubadours Vol. 1 (Download)
The Last of the Troubadours Vol. 2 (Download)
The Last of the Troubadours Vol. 3 (Download)
The Last of the Troubadours Vol. 4 (Download)

Note: Volume 1 includes the cover art for all four volumes. I made them, so don't judge too harshly. I'm not a pro!

The links are even more easy to find! Enjoy!

I Said Hello Dolly! Well Hello Dolly!

2009-10-28T19:49:00.001-07:00

I saw I got a comment on one of my posts yesterday... and it was from someone I didn't even know! I enjoy that. I am tickled blue (pink is for girls). So if she reads this, I'd like to say hi to Sarah, a.k.a. "The Pitter Patter Boutique".

For anyone else who is coming around and hasn't made a comment yet, make a comment and introduce yourself! Then maybe I will say hi to you too! Maybe...

Employment vs. Enjoyment: The Insanity Stops Here

2009-10-28T16:19:00.000-07:00

Holy hell, I actually have options. I'm in the thick of it, having already started one job, and now I hear from another one. Maybe it was intuition or something, but earlier I had a feeling this might happen. Not in this exact way though. Here's what I thought might happen - I figured that I would get the low paying job first, and then struggle with whether to take that job or wait for the one that'll pay me more money...

Here's what actually happened though. I had to screw someone over. That's what happened. But self-preservation though, right? That's the number one law of living things, kill or be killed. Screw someone over before you end up screwed yourself. I got the high paying job with the offer for a place to stay rent free. Sounds awesome, right? Well, the guy who was handing all this to me, an old college acquaintance, he tells me he is leaving the country to teach in the Middle East. I can take over his job teaching ESL downtown he says. He tells me I can stay in his house so I don't have to commute. It's easy money and I'd get the job no problem he says. It's a few hours work for big money. Well, of course I am gonna say yes. I need money, and I need to move away from the family home...

So slowly the weird vibes start to add up. He tells me if they ask, I worked for some imaginary ESL school. He tells me never to say anything about where he is going to anyone, ever. He tells the people at this job that he has a family emergency. He doesn't tell his family where he is going. This school takes no attendance and gives no tests or grades. The house? Not a great neighborhood to say the least. I would also apparently have to deal with a grandfather who may or may not come by at any time. I could go on and on about all the weird crap, but one thing really got to me. First day of work I ask if I need to fill out a W-2 form for taxes. They tell me no, just my social, thats all, no W-2... Okay, what in the HELL? Yea. Seriously.

So I figured I had to just roll with it, weird vibes and all. That's what I did the first day, I rolled with it. Even though the first class had a whopping ONE student and the second class had a record attendance of ONE student, I rolled with it. I had no other prospects. The last job I interviewed for I hadn't heard from for three weeks. Plus this one pays more. Then IT HAPPENED. I got a call, during my first day of work, in the middle of the first class... It's Blockbuster (three weeks late!). They want me, they want me at a location closer than expected, and they wanna make me a shift leader when I finish training. It's not as much money, but, hello!, less bad vibes and more W-2 forms! So I freak out. I have no clue what to do because I am just overwhelmed with the recent occurrences. My mind just explodes. Pop! After some talking it out with family though, I make the obvious decision. Less money, but less shady dealings. No moving away from home yet, but no worries about the neighborhood or random strange grandpa appearances.

Well, I told Mr. College Acquaintance I was out and he flipped. I suspected that would happen and I accept it as a burned bridge, a tally in the loss column. I had to do what I had to do. Oh well. All I know is I feel much calmer about my new situation with Blockbuster than I did with weirdo-vibes central over there. I'll still be at home here in Pomona but I totally made the right decision.

You know what? I got lots of well-wishes and good lucks from people about work today, and I think your combined efforts really came through for me. Thanks to any and everyone who helped me out with your positivity. It worked! Big hugs and Hershey's chocolate kisses to all of you who contributed! I appreciate mucho. Proof that you can make a difference... Shaman Power!

It's Not So Bad

2009-10-27T08:15:00.001-07:00

As I wake up this morning and reflect on yesterday's events (the whole establishing that I'm going to be working thing) I am just slightly calmer about the matter. Just slightly. I'm still super wary and pessimistic about it, but now I am also giving in. I'm giving in to the whole situation. Knowing that I will allow myself to quit at any time, despite any burned bridges it may cause, it is seeming less like a bad idea and more like an experiment. Well, at least that us what I am trying to tell myself.

The "allowing myself to quit" and "burning bridges" stuff is fairly new to me. I've always been more concerned with my actions effects on other people rather than on me. I've made selfish decisions before, but I don't think I've ever actually made a concious effort to do so. These days, with the introduction of the Sclerosis of Multiple proportions, I've begun to realize that I am gonna have to start being more selfish. I have to look out for myself and my own interests. I don't have the luxury to worry about anyone else, not right now. Not when it's hard enough just trying to take care if myself.

All I know is that after about a month or so, things should look a lot clearer. There's nothing like actually being in the middle of insanity to prove that it isn't so bad. I know this very well. I've been living as an insane person for quite a while, and as far as I can tell, I'm not so bad.

Out of the Ordinary

2009-10-26T18:12:00.000-07:00

So let's start this off MS Style! I just finished my 13th shot of Avonex just now. 13 is a good number, right?! Super lucky? I might be mistaken, but 13 is the number of people who weren't murdered, didn't lose everything, and never ever ever had bad luck... ever.

Moving on. So I have three big things I'd like to discuss. Three events that happened that were very much out of the ordinary. Ordinary for me is never finding fun, a job, or friends. The fact that I get to talk about all three of these things in this post is actually pretty huge for me, so gimmie that hug or pat on the back (or butt), 'cause I totally deserve it.

So here goes:

FUN! So the other night I went to a get-together for old co-workers from my last job. Whaaaaat?! Yea, I never go to those things. I always avoided hanging out with work people outside work. They are WORK people, not OUTSIDE people. Well, now we aren't co-workers, and they thought to invite me, so I went! Sooo glad I did too. After the bankruptcy and liquidation over a year ago, I hadn't seen most of these people and it was pretty fun to see some of them. The restaurant was super loud and crowded, so I actually couldn't hear much except what went on at my end of the table, but that's okay 'cause I had a great time chatting with the people I could hear, especially Brian & Heather. So yea, fun times. Expensive meal though. Jeebus. Some places really know how to stick it to ya.

JOB! Okay, so this is a strange one. My friend is leaving the area for a long while and offered me the opportunity to take over his spot in some ESL school (The Wilshire Language School) downtown. I know, I don't live downtown. I guess I'm gonna be staying at his place too. Yea, weird. I hate staying at a house that isn't mine (it has stranger-house smell and stranger furniture!), but I guess I have to if I'm gonna be able to take the job... The job? Well, it seems fairly easy. Have people read, read aloud, answer questions, whatever. I asked my friend and he said they don't give grades. They don't seem to care about attendance either. The whole thing sounds a bit odd to me, which makes me nervous. When I was mid-freak-out and looking to talk it out with someone, Anna told me I should just do it. If I decide it's bad news bears I should just leave. So I guess I'm just gonna jump in and hope the water is fine.

FRIENDS! Here was the coolest thing I got to do in the past week. I got to see Dana! She was passing through LAX switching planes on her way to see Jackie. So I got my lazy self out of bed, hopped on the Metrolink train, arrived at L.A. Union Station, hopped on a shuttle and got to LAX. When I got there I waited and when the time came I excitedly watched as people emerged. Anticipation built... until she called and told me I was totally at the wrong gate. Damon is as cool as always! So we met up halfway and I was a total awkward nerd-geek. I gave her what I hope was a cool mini present that may also have been offensive (a tiny therapist that you drop in water and it grows), and we walked over to the area she needed to be at for her next flight. We talked, we talked, and we talked (yay!). Then I almost convinced myself to tag along on her trip. Then she took my picture and we took a picture together (thanks to an old dude who TOTALLY disappeared afterwards... Thanks ghost dude!). Then it was time for her to go. I was sad to see her go. The moment seemed to pass so fast. I probably seemed like an ginormous weirdo or whatever, but I thought she was super neato. If I get the chance, I'd definitely visit her and spend more than an hour with my MS Buddy. Then again, an hour with me might have been enough...

So, that was lots to go over and I am tired and can't think of a clever way to end this. Also, you readers may have fallen asleep trying to read this super long post.

Your welcome insomniacs!

Predictions

2009-10-18T20:47:00.000-07:00

This week is going to be very interesting. I am in for some major highs and probably some major lows too. I expect that I am going to be ALL over the place mood-wise. I think though, that if everything goes right I will be a happy camper. But if things don't go exactly as I want, I am gonna be super bummed or extra pissed-off. Just thinking about it all right now makes me kinda freaked. Well, maybe I'll be able to talk about it all by next week. We'll see...

Flashback Episode...

2009-10-15T23:37:00.000-07:00

So I was going through some of my old posts and it made me think of this piece, which I wrote and put up somewhere else. If you've already read this, read it again. Is it really that hard?

Adventures in Babysitting... strike that, Adventures in Avonex

Wednesday, August 5, 2009 at 4:49pm

So today was the day I started my treatments with Avonex, the non-cure drug that may or may not alter the progression of my MS. I watched the infomercial, I mean instructional video explaining what's wrong with me. How I'm supposed to help myself deal with this burden. Good God, it was so condescending! Maybe I shouldn't have gotten an education and then I wouldn't mind being talked to like a child. You felt alone? I feel alone too, Ann Marie! Hey, do you want to go halfsies on a Snuggie?

I don't know why they make patients watch this video anyway, considering we live in the age of information. Easily accessed information. I did all the research I wanted, learned what I felt I needed to know, and the rest I could care less about. That could explain the feelings of hostility. The hatred toward the video. Then again, it could just be my degree in film and the video's lack of production values. These people are so wooden. Please take some of that MS research money and hire Meryl Streep or Daniel Day-Lewis. Sure, it may lose some authenticity, but maybe after watching for five minutes I won't want to drill a hole in my head.

So after praising the Lord that the infomercial had come to an end, the RN came to talk to me about everything I learned in those 20 or so minutes. In detail. FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF. Seeing as I am generally a respectful person, in public at least, I nodded and kept so many thoughts to myself - Why are you repeating everything in the video? Can you keep your silly personal anecdotes to yourself? What do I have to do for you to give me the Avonex and let me go home? I know this stuff is probably very helpful for people who never bothered to look into their own disorder, but when it was "just a possibility" that I had Multiple Sclerosis I wanted to know all about it. I did the reading. I talked to people. Any questions I had, I looked for answers. At this point, when you've made the decision to start injecting yourself, shouldn't you know most of this already? Especially the whole "What is MS?" question. I didn't need to go over that for 45 minutes.

So finally I get to the meat of this whole session, the actual injection. I'm not going to lie, the thought of sticking myself with a needle gave me quite a bit of anxiety. I've got no problem with the medical professionals poking at me with needles. They know what they're doing (at least most of them do). I'm an immature, snarky goofball who has no business playing with needles. Serious business! That's what I scheduled my appointment for - to learn how to stab myself... safely. I take my box of Avonex and the nurse talks me through all the steps to keep things sterile and safe. Now that's something I appreciate. Step by step she guides me through what will now be my weekly ritual. Washing hands, setting up a little area, the joy of sitting around with my pants off... Great times!

Then, like John Travolta over Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction, it was the moment of truth. Needle in hand, I took care of business. It was actually very easy for me, and it's such a relief for me to know I won't have any problem doing this on my own. Proud of myself, I soon put my pants back on (awww...), grabbed my stuff, and left on my new journey as an Avonex user. Did I encounter any side effects? Mostly nausea and a minor headache. It was only a quarter dosage though, since I am easing my way into the routine. Ask me later and I might feel different, but for now I'm not regretting this new step in my MS adventure.

Gender Issues (And How Girls Have Cooties)

2009-10-13T16:40:00.000-07:00

Damon, "do you ever feel gypped because you're a dude with MS...and its like kinda like ...a chick disease...?"

You know, I never really thought about it. It's not something I pay attention to. Maybe I am shortsighted or maybe too self involved to consider other people, but it doesn't seem to be a big issue to me. Of course I notice it, I'm not oblivious on the matter, but I'm not sitting around in the He-Man Woman Haters Clubhouse discussing gender issues and how girls have cooties.

Maybe it's because I am not all super involved. I tried signing up for a class on learning about my MS and all that stuff, but I was too late for registration and the course was canceled anyway due to lack of participants (whoops!). I imagine though that I would feel super awkward showing up and seeing a group of people who are probably not in their 20s and probably almost all women. Now, I don't mind sitting around and getting a good look at all the ladies, but this is probably not a Miss America panel or even a Cougar-MILF convention. I know I am working on guesses, assumptions, and all that but I just get the feeling I'm gonna end up in a room full of people not too much like myself. How am I supposed to relate to people when I am in the minority? Hi, I'm a twenty-something guy with Multiple Sclerosis. Anyone else? Yea, I'm not in the majority on this one...

Maybe the problem lies with the youth. Maybe we quarter-agers all feel like we are too cool for school and don't do things like classes or meetings. I'm probably guilty of that one, thinking "stuff like this is stupid, useless, boring or whatever". So because we are all trying not to be nerds or we are freshmen afraid of being surrounded by upperclassmen we don't bother to get into those situations and thereby make our group the minority by default.

But back to the gender thing. It is kinda sucky to be a guy with MS. It's not a macho thing or whatever, it just feels like there isn't enough to relate to. Every once and a while I do a little blog searching to read about other people living with the same crap as me, and see how their lives are coming along. I have read a couple and pretty much they are all females. Now I am not saying I've read every blog, or even a bunch. I haven't specifically looked for guy stuff either. All I am saying is that from what I can tell so far, there's not a ton of MS-dude-blogs out there. There's not really much of a voice out there for the guys, and what voice is there is small and hard to hear.

So am I volunteering to be that voice? Well, not really. I'm not the most eloquent or insightful. I just end up bitching about stuff most of the time. Then again, isn't that how blogs are supposted to work anyway? We all know the Internet is for 3 things - Bitching about stuff, funny cat pictures and porn. So it's not like it's that hard to be a blogging sensation. I'm pretty good at complaining. If I end up being part of the collective male voice for Multiple Sclerosis because of it, well I think it's probably a good thing. Maybe then the next guy who is looking for some male point-of-view might find my blog and not feel like too much of a minority.

On a side note: I had to write this twice because of some computer technical difficulties. That crap sucks. I'm surprised I even bothered to try again. Stupid technology.

Side note #2: Thanks to Jackie for the idea to write this entry. It was either I talk about this or her butthole and I think she is much better at writing about assholes. I am also pretty sure she will write very soon that I am a total asshole. Count on it.

Time Passes Slowly... (My Mix!)

2009-10-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

I made this one when I thought I should do one with a cool theme. I was listening to stuff on my iPod and I noticed a couple with months in their names and next thing I know I was off and running. I really like the cover I made too. I gotta thank google image search for giving me the pieces, I just put them together. Well, check the back cover for a track list, download, and listen. It's good for you!

Find the link

Fashion = Hotness

2009-10-10T11:20:00.000-07:00

Is Multiple Sclerosis being mean to me? For the last week or two, since the weather started cooling down, certain parts of my body have been very tender and sensitive. My legs and feet more specifically. They feel cold lots, and when touched by cold stuff, it hurts like all hell. Well there goes my bobsled career! Will I ever be able to slide down a hill on a big block of ice again? My dreams of being a bartender in an igloo bar are dead to me... Well, none of those things were ever really on my radar, but I'd like to think they could have been.

All I know is I am hoping all this is the weather or something, like a seasonal annoyance or whatever. I'd rather it be an annoyance than some sort of progression towards more nastiness. The cold thing isn't the only bothersome bit that has come up these past few days. I've also been a bit wobbly, especially in my right leg. My right foot feels like it's slightly on fire too. No, I checked and I am sure it's not actually on fire. Just because I like to wear shoes dipped in kerosene... It keeps them fresh! I learned it on the Oh-My-GOD-My-Clothes-Are-On-Fire! Channel.

On another, less bitchy note. Things for me are on a minor upswing. I have things coming down the pipeline that might lead to more interesting days. They are only possibilities, but I am keeping an eye on them and hoping something works out. Preferably one that is best for me, one with the least amount of stress and the most amount of benefits. But until anything actually happens, I am not counting on a damn thing and I am going to try and stay as vague and hypothetical as possible. Nothing is set in stone, and until that happens I am going to do what I do best - overthink, overworry, fret, fuss, and freak-out. Aren't I great? Well, I'm just going to root for myself and I hope you root for me too!

It looks like I'm having a seizure!

2009-10-02T10:54:00.000-07:00

So the last two days or so I have been miserable and felt like crap. I was down like crazy and sad as all hell. Now today I am pretty happy, pleasant, and in an overall good mood. Yea, I think it's a sign that I should probably be medicated or something, but then again, if I was I wouldn't be enjoying this momentary happiness. I'd be all zombiefied I'm sure. I think maybe I'll stick with just being a crazy person. For now at least.

Okay people, do it with me now! Let's do the happy dance!

Betty Jo

2009-10-01T11:10:00.000-07:00

I was off at school. It was my third year of college. I was living in an apartment in Newport Beach. Well, it was BARELY Newport Beach. Just on the border. I could see no beach. What I could see was school, which needed to be nearby because I was going to be walking. I was in my own world, away from my family and away from their goings-on.

What was happening back at home wasn't great. My grandmother's health was in a nose dive. She'd been diagnosed with cancer, and from that point things just seemed to move faster and faster. I was around when I could be, but I wasn't really there. Her time in the hospital. The move to one of those homes where there are nurses to take care of her. Her move back to her old home where my aunt lives now. I think I was there probably once for each of those.

One night I was at my apartment getting ready to go shopping for a birthday gift for my sister. My friend Brian was coming by and we were gonna go to a local record store (since apparently I have no idea how to shop for a girl). Before he arrived, I got a call from my mom telling me that she had died. It was awful to hear and all I could think of was how I had planned to go see her soon but I didn't. It was too late. I had missed my chance. My grandmother had died and that night I went out shopping at a record store. That just didn't seem right. Brian asked me if anything was wrong, but I didn't say anything about what happened (but he found out a couple years later and had one of those "ooohhh" moments).

I missed out though. I missed out on quite a bit, I'm sure. I missed the sorrow. I missed so much of the hard work and worry my mom had. I overlooked the depression my mom went through afterwards as well. What I really missed though was the time with my grandmother. She wasn't very lucid towards the end, but shouldn't I have been there just a little more anyway? I missed out, I'm sure.

I think what actually bothers me though is that it happened when it did. Our time-lines just didn't match up. I would love to talk to her so much if she was here today. I'm not only talking about important stuff, but silly stuff too. She dug the TV show Buffy the Vampire Slayer and I came to that party long after it was over. "OMG, grandma, how crazy was that episode with no dialog?! Or that one where she sacrificed herself???" Okay, yea, silly.

Really though, I'd like to talk to her about my MS. My grandfather, who I never even met, lived with MS and it'd be interesting to hear anything she had to say on all of that, good or bad. That's the one question I'd wanna ask if I could. That or I'd ask for her to help me out with her afterlife-vision. She could tell me what I need to do to become crazy successful and happy. Oh, and if she knows where the heck my collection of buttons/pins I had as a kid went. I wanna find those!

Grandma, I love you. :)

Um, yea... I don't text. I'm an octogenarian*.

2009-09-28T19:38:00.000-07:00

I've never been a social being. Always a loner or almost one. I've always been able to count the amount of friends I had on one hand (if that hand belonged to a bad shop teacher or Vietnam vet). These days are no different, but I feel myself wanting to change that. That's weird though, because generally speaking, I hate people.

Seriously. Just about everyone either gets on my nerves or I get on theirs. I am a square peg in a world of round holes. I really don't have much to lose though, so I guess it's about time I accept people when they say they actually want to be my friend (weirdos!). Or maybe I can actually tell people, "Hey, I want to be your friend".

What do I have to be afraid of anyway? Well, there's always things like this... (Give it time, the text is a winner!)

Yea, totally frightening. I know. I think I saw it in one of the last Final Destination movies. The seventh one. The one in space. Or was it underwater? Either way. Totally awful. I feel bad for that guy. Mario needs to learn proper etiquette.

Okay, so I am a total weenie, but I am just not good in social situations. If I am in a crowd, even if it's family, I find myself panicking. I NEED to extract myself from the room immediately. It's scary. I am good one-on-one though. After I relax a little, I can actually be pretty funny. Some have even said charming (and no, they weren't drooling AND wearing a helmet. Just one or the other). I've even been known to make a good impression when introduced to other people. Maybe because they don't get to know me well enough. Or maybe I just don't see what others see.

We can't all be Mr. Confident though, right? Otherwise there would be more seasons of Tool Academy on VH1. Frightening, I know. I definitely don't want spikey hair with frosted tips. I don't want to call anyone "bro", at least to their face. Maybe some people will actually find me interesting or nice BECAUSE I'm not one of those guys. I sure hope so, cause a fat dude with frosted tips just looks like an outcast from New Jersey. NO ONE likes an outcast from New Jersey.

*In case you weren't sure, an "octogenarian" is a person in their eighties. So they are tooootally old.

So What About You?

2009-09-27T15:22:00.000-07:00

We are all looking for something, whether it be love, acceptance, money, fame, fortune, or even piece of mind. It's that search that drives us to do so many things, all in a bid to grab a hold of the things we want. But what is it? What is it that YOU want? What are YOU looking for? What are those things that you haven't found yet? I've thought about those things, because I am an overthinker who uses my super brain power for useless stuff and obsessions. I've never actually considered making a list though. A list of the things that I'm looking for. So maybe I should give it a shot and at least write five or so of them down here.

1. Understanding. Now, I have caught glimpses of understanding before. Here and there. I think some people have even gotten real close to making me feel 100% understood. I still think it could be better. I'm shooting for 100%.

2. Companionship. Okay, duh. We all pretty much want a partner in crime, right? I guess this kinda connects with the first one too. It's a lot to ask of someone though, isn't it? It's a tough job. Then again "someone's gotta do it..." I hope so at least. Especially for a nutter like me.

3. Home. Yes, I have a home. I'm not homeless. What I'm talking about is a space that I would actually feel I belong in. I don't have that. Not right now. What I do have is somewhere that I feel is more of a house than a home. A roof and walls. I never really felt right in this city either. I don't think California is right for me. If I do go somewhere else, maybe I'll miss it and run back. I won't know until I try though.

4. Stability. Most of this has to do with money and job stuff, but stability is the big issue. Some people might say that money and jobs and stuff aren't important. Those people must have it real good. Me, I need those things. Especially now, as the money gets spent faster and faster with the addition of medical insurance payments, visits to the neurologist, meds and shots and all the rest. I don't want to have to rely on my helpful family and turn into a burden, and I don't want to have to worry about where the money is going to come from. Stability.

5. "Grindhouse" Japanese Box Set. This DVD set is freakin' sweet! I've been dying to get it and it's just too far out of my price range. It's amazing. It hold this set in my hands would make me a very happy nerd. A very happy nerd indeed.

And Now...

2009-09-27T01:44:00.000-07:00

And now back to our regularly scheduled program!

So I added 4 links on the side of this blog page deal thing. Right over there, to the right.

First is a link to MSunderstood. It'd run by Dana & Jackie, two awesome girls who strangely enough tell you some pretty unawesome things in their blog. Stuff like poo problems. Gross, huh? Yea, but it also is an amazing blog from two lovely ladies who are living with multiple sclerosis and aren't totally boring old farts. (My apologies to the older ladies out there. I love you. Especially them cougars. Rawr!)

Second is 12 December 2008. This one is pretty new to me, but I felt an instant connection with it, and the blog-runner Lori, when I read something I might as well have written myself. "I am really, really boring." Okay, now I know I am totally underselling with a quote like that, but you know, boring people are entertaining too. God, I hope so. Otherwise I have NO chance.

Next is List Of The Day. That one is always good for a chuckle. I check it out every day, when I'm not blabbing about myself in here or on twitter. Vein much?

First Showing is a great site where I find quite a few choice bits of movie news. I love movies, so it's pretty much my version of CNN or something.

Oh, and I also added Lifehacker. I check it out all the time, and every once and a while I find some awesome tip or idea that I never thought of but I know after reading it, life will never be the same. Ever. (Exaggeration alert!) Anyway, this site has pointed me in the right direction a couple of times, and all I know is I have never opened a banana the same way again.

Alright, so there ya go! Enjoy. Be back later with more diatribes and ramblings about how crazy and boring my life is. Fun, huh?

2009-09-27T01:43:00.001-07:00

Love Letter To A Friend

2009-09-27T01:15:00.000-07:00

I made a mistake. I did, and I take full responsibility. I took your friendliness, your caring, and your good nature and I interpreted it as something it wasn't. I read signals wrong and I walked down the wrong path. Once I started walking in that direction, I stayed course and lost touch with reality. I liked you. I liked you more than you liked me (obviously). I opened myself up to vulnerability knowing that I'd probably end up hurt, but when it happened I was surprised. Why? Because I am stupid. But also because it was you. I looked at you with blinders on and sometimes I still do. Those rose colored glasses that reveal the beauties of life, the ones I can never seem to get a hold of. It's fine though, I don't blame you. My intensities, my quirks, those things that make me, me... those things weren't a right fit. Not for you. It just stung, you know? Hurt.

Here's the problem though. You want me to get back on that path, the friend path. I do too. I had fun there, being your friend. I'm working on it, but it's just a bit difficult. You are somewhere where you can still see me as a good friend. I'm somewhere else, where I don't know how to feel, where the scars are still visible, and where every stupid decision I made is still front and center. It would be sooo nice to hear your voice, but it only reminds me of how dumb I was to think I was anything more than what I actually was...

Your friend,

Damon

It's A Gas

2009-09-26T18:49:00.000-07:00

Holy crap!

So I did something just now that I really shouldn't have. I looked at my checking account. MISTAKESVILLE, WEST VIRGINIA. Yea, I knew it was dwindling away, considering the fact that I don't have an income since I don't have a job, but wowzers.

It's the medical insurance payments, the visits to the neurologist, and the trips to the pharmacy. Those are the big minuses in the credits/debits area of the account. They cost lots, duh. The money I do get from (the temporary and almost completely used up) disability helps with this stuff, sure. Not completely though, and that's no bueno.

Then there are the unnecessary expenses, like the twenty I spent on two albums this week, or a trip to the movies or something like that. They ARE necessary to my sanity though, so does that count? Seriously, if I hadn't spent some of that money on that "unnecessary" stuff, I probably would have blown my brains out. How's that for dire?! Okay, so that's a bit of exaggeration on my part, but come on, I gotta let myself have some little joys. Otherwise, I think I would definitely go off the deep end.

So why don't you just get a job Damon? Hahahaha. Thanks "Mr. Crazy Voice Inside My Head", I didn't think of that! Well, for ONE, I have been trying unsuccessfully for quite a while. Then there's the other thing - I'm not exactly sure what I should be looking for anyway. All of the previous stresses I was able to handle in the workplace I pretty much fail at nowadays. Then there were those things I was actually good at. For example, I would rock the mathematical house at work before. Need to know how much a crazy percentage was off an even crazier price? No problemo! Need a big ass sheet of numbers calculated? You came to the right place my friend. Rain Man had nothing on me! Well, except autism... and better social skills. Now I totally stumble over all my numbers unless I write stuff down or use a calculator. I'm no longer what I used to be, that's for sure

So what do I do about money? Well, I don't know. It worries me. Big time. It's one of those things that is definitely freaking me out. I look for answers and I just end up with more questions. I talk out loud or voice my worries to others. Yes, some do try and help, but I just end up feeling worse I think. Like I am letting them down when their suggestion doesn't work. Now I am not only a disappointment to myself, but to others too. Great.

I know people don't just walk up to you and offer up legit employment or anything like that, but there's always a first, right? Gotta be LEGIT though. I have no need for pyramid schemes and I am faaaaaaar from being the right type to strip for money. Then again, if I knew I would get seriously paid, I probably would show off my gross body for that fistful of dollars. Hahaha. Gross...

Hi, my name is Philip Salvador

2009-09-25T02:13:00.000-07:00

Yea. It happens.

"People? What a bunch of bastards!"

2009-09-25T00:59:00.000-07:00

People. I get it, we all need people at some point or another. Whether it's for company, or for help, or for "love" or whatever, we all need other people. Just not ALWAYS. Well, who knows? Maybe some people DO need others around and will just about die without some sort of company. Me though, I am not that person. Not right now anyway.

Right now I feel pretty freakin' crowded. I may have been able to claim my territory here and there, but there's a problem. At this point, it's really not enough. Just the sight of the people I see everyday is slowly wearing on me. AND IT'S MY FAULT. They did nothing. Nothing. And yet, I'd really like to just have them go away. Far Away. For quite a while.

If anything, they did the whole above-and-beyond thing. I can't be a pleasure to be around, I'm sure. It's just, at this point, I need to be able to at least have a space to myself that actually feels like mine. I so desperately want to just be able to sit in a room by myself. I don't know why but Christ, I need it bad. I want to be able to just sit, in a room, BY MY SELF. Nope, not happening.

Just venting about it I feel like I could cry. I'm gonna blame it on my MS-Life Emotions though so I don't feel like a complete pathetic sad sack. I talk about my desire to move, but I don't see it happening any time soon (by soon I'd love it to be as soon as tomorrow). Definitely far from here, definitely out of state. The strange thing is, despite how much I want that solitary feeling, I wouldn't move unless I knew I had some sort of support system in place. I don't have the confidence in myself to know whether or not I could handle all of life's bullcrap without knowing that I could call upon some backup if I needed it. Even if I never needed it. Just knowing someone was there would be good enough.

Or, and I sit here upset and without any answers that I actually would like to hear, I could just ignore the problem. Ignore it until I forget it. I'll forget it eventually since that's how my MS-Life Brain works. All I need to do is focus on something else, if it's even for a moment, and I'll just forget what the hell I was doing before. Hmm... Okay, here goes nothing!

LOST... The movie theater... Pizza... Girls...

Okay, what was I talking about again? Oh yea. Pocket-watches. They make me feel classy.

Weird...

2009-09-24T14:22:00.000-07:00

So I was just watching TV and I saw Robert Loggia in the new Apple commercial, you know, the Mac & PC guys... Robbert Loggia! Weird.

Chest Explosion!

2009-09-23T12:13:00.000-07:00

Anxiety is a freakin' big bag of nutballs.

Okay, I'm sure I could have put it much more eloquently, but it'd really do a disservice to just how crazy I am feeling right now, or anytime I am in one of my anxious moments. They happen now more than ever, and I could attribute it to many different factors, but what good does that do?

So I've always been a bit of an over-thinker, so that doesn't help. Then there's the lack of emotional control which seems to be kinda new and I assume due to the ever-growing MS Fun Time Happy Carnival. That seems to make it worse. Of course, I can always just blame circumstances, which seem to not be so much in my favor... THANKS CIRCUMSTANCES! Either way, it just all builds up and wants to escape and turns me into one of those little nervous, shaky, twisty dogs that pee when a stranger comes up to pet them.

Don't worry. I don't think I have to pee.

I Was A Teenage Frisbee Champion

2009-09-21T17:33:00.000-07:00

So there's my memory... or to be a tad more specific, there ISN'T my memory. That's sorta the problem. I'm not saying my mind was ever the mecca of knowledge or anything. I'm not Encyclopedia Brown. All I know is, I NEVER had this much trouble recalling information before. I get the simplest questions, something I should be able to recall from the memory banks immediately and I reach in to get a big handful of nothing.

Now, I know for some of the stuff, it's like who cares? When someone asks a normal person "Who was that guy who starred in those old Disney TV shows as Elfego Baca?" the person usually responds with "Uh... who? What's an Elfego Baca? Do you have something stuck in your teeth? Get away from me you weirdo!" See, I'm no normal person though. Never was, never will be. But I am also a student of film (got a degree and everything! It's hanging up on the wall of my non-existent home, or in my non-existent office next to that stupid Hang In There poster). It's my thing. I love movies and TV and stuff like that, so when I can't remember Robert Loggia, it bothers me. That is freakin' sad. Robert Loggia is upsetting me.

Okay, I know it's not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things that I can't remember names like Robert Loggia, Mary Elizabeth Winstead or Ron Eldard. That's just one example though. There's the other stuff, the normal, everyday stuff. Remembering to turn off a light before leaving a room. Planning on doing something - the big mission - and getting distracted by something stupid like stopping to get a drink and COMPLETELY forgetting about the mission. I will get out of the shower, towel off, and not remember to dry my back! Come on! "Why is my back wet?" I ask myself in a grand moment of duh. Why do I have to ask myself whether or not I dried my back? What's next? "Did you remember to put on pants today?"

Then there are those moments when remembering becomes pretty damn important. Like when I'm paying for something or using the ATM and I have to punch in my PIN number. People stand around waiting while I go into my notes and find the 4 digit number that I JUST went over with myself a few minutes ago in preparation for this exact moment. Anxiety hits instantaneously and my inadequacies are magnified in my eyes to the trillionth degree. "You can put in your PIN now sir..." Uh, gimmie a sec, I know. I just need the number. Oh and what if I don't have my notes with me? I am SCREWED then, that's what. Can we just get that implant or whatever so I can wave my hand and be done with it? I'll risk the possible hand theft.

One thing that did occur to me, today in fact, is that I MIGHT be able to spin this problem into something magnificent. Something fantastical. So let's say my memory gets so bad that I basically lose all of my memories. Those good moments (hardly any, no big loss) that I'd want to talk about as an old man. You know the type, that old dude who goes around telling hilarious stories. Well, if I can't remember those moments, and if I accept that today instead of beating myself up about it later on, then what I CAN do is use my skills as a storyteller and just make memories up. Who cares if the events never happened? I can't remember the ones that did anyway. Might as well live my life thinking I did the most amazing, ridiculous things. I plan on remembering fondly the year I spent as a grifter, along with my female partner who ended up double-crossing me over a handful of diamonds. Maybe I shouldn't have trusted her, but I definitely don't regret sleeping with her.

So next time I talk to you and I'm telling you a great story - don't think about whether what I am saying is true or not. It really doesn't matter. What matters is that I am talking to you. Consider yourself lucky, I'm freakin' amazing.

The Root of all Schmeevil

2009-09-19T09:16:00.000-07:00

So I start wondering to myself, I wonder - Is this because of the MS or is it just me? Would I have done this or felt that way even if I had never had the damn thing? Is MS a big trigger for tons of weird crap or is it merely a detail in the odd trajectory of what is, essentially, my life?

Heavy stuff right?! Okay, yea, I know I could never come to a true conclusion to intangible and ridiculous questions like that one, why we exist, or who God is (even though we all know it's probably someone like Hugh Hefner or George Clooney or someone else who is living the high life)... but I can't help it! It's a question on my mind like all the damn time.

So think maybe I should go over some of these questions. It was either that or I was gonna talk about why I don't eat seafood. Yea, the questions are probably more interesting -

Would I have gotten some of those jobs I interviewed for if it weren't for the MS?:

So I've been out of work for over a year now. Now before you ask, I didn't lose it to the MS. When I had a relapse and I was working there, I was able to handle it. Any struggles I had they overlooked because, hey, the people I worked with loved me (what's not to love?!). But that job is gone. Lost to the economy, to bankruptcy and probably shitty business decisions. No use crying over all that mess. Since then though, I've searched all over the place for work, and when I actually did get an interview I'm pretty sure I didn't look very good in their eyes. The interview where I got to showcase the childlike handwriting from the tingle hands. The interview where I had trouble walking. Oh, and of course the job I actually GOT and then was let go from after ONE DAY because I couldn't work hard and fast enough. Jobs I've actually wanted and jobs I really didn't, all passing me by. Sure, I could blame it on the job market. Then again I could blame it on me being unimpressive. Or is it the MS tripping me up with it's little tricks? I can't tell!

Would I be as willing to try things and be as adventurous if I didn't have MS?:

This one is a good one I guess. I think after finally putting a name to all the crazy stuff I was going through I started to realize just how surprising life can be. Things just happen. So its like, what the hell? Screw it. If I have a chance to do something, like bungee jump or go on some crazy trip, it's like - why the hell not? Now, of course, I haven't really got the chance to do things like that. Just yet anyway. Money precludes me from such endeavors. Still, I've done some stuff that I don't think I would have done five yeas ago, or even last year. Then again, I start to wonder, is it just me getting older, restless, and maybe it's part of the Damon evolution. We never stay exactly the same person we always were. If we did, I'd still have that Milli Vanilli VHS tape. Oh, wait, yea I still do.

Would I be having AS much trouble with diet and exercise, or is it the MS?:

Okay, this one is kinda complicated. I've always been overweight. Then again, a little over a year ago I decided to handle it somewhat and I did really well. At the time I had only had my first (undiagnosed) bout with MS five years prior and my second was just going away (still undiagnosed!) and was going away completely without any lingering effects. I was exercising tons and losing weight (like 70 lbs.) with no problem. Now this time, good ol' Mr. Tingly is back and has basically set up permanent residence in my hands and even though I put in the effort I don't really seem to get anywhere. I've actually gained 10 or so pounds. Now, yes, I know, the snacks do not help... but still! Then again, is it just that I'm not doing enough? Or am I doing it wrong? Should I be blaming MS at all?

Well, I think in the end maybe it doesn't really matter if it's MS or not. It's a part of me, so essentially it is me. Just like everyone's MS is a little different because their MS is a part of them. It's a very personal thing. So while it's a great benefit to have something I can blame stuff on (and I will DEFINITELY use it to get outta those things I don't wanna do) I think in the end MS is a part of who I am so, blaming MS is just blaming myself in a way. That'll probably end in a few depressing moments I'm sure, but I'm thinking it'll make the accepting MS thing a little easier. Maybe it's kinda like quicksand - don't struggle, you'll only make it worse. Oh, and when someone tosses you a line, take it.

Aw, screw it.

2009-09-16T21:17:00.000-07:00

So I think for my rare blog post, I'm going to touch upon shots. Injections. That nasty business that everyone hates (and I'm just talking about the people getting them done by medical professionals). They are crazy, a bit scary, and above all else... an experience.

So I know I haven't been GIVING MYSELF shots for my MS for very long but...

Okay, that still blows my mind. Why am I giving myself a shot? Isn't this something that's supposed to be done by someone who went to school for this stuff? Seriously. How is it that just after being told like 5 steps I am now certified to stick a needle in my own leg? Someone is messing with me. That has to be it.

Anyway, I haven't been injecting for very long (7 weeks), but I get the feeling I will never get used to it. I may become a pro at it, since I'm Captain Awesome, but get used to it? Never. The whole pro thing would be nice though, and fast.

Why the desire for pro status? Well, I had a reeeeally bad time last week with my shot day. First I couldn't uncap the syringe and then the needle was stuck in it's sheath, so it was just all around Bad City USA. Then I'm able to finally connect the needle to the syringe and I guess after all the frustration I didn't recognize that they actually weren't fully connected at all. It's like the weirdest episode of Three's Company ever.

So once the needle was actually in my leg and the plunger was a-plungin' some of the Avonex just starts dribbling down and onto my leg. As anyone else who's had trouble or a painful time during something like this will tell you, once you hit that certain point and you just feel pushed too far, there's only one appropriate action/reaction. Total meltdown with a possible chance of tantrums.

You know what the best thing after a meltdown is? The realization that you acted like an ass. That feels great. Almost as great as the feeling after taking MS Juice (No Pulp!) and start to feel it's effects. The effects? Well, you'd assume after taking a shot you'd feel better. Well, I'd assume that because I am an idiot. Turns out I get huge headaches, I get dizzy (more than usual), and everything seems to move a bit slower. Right now it kinda feels like an invisible bubble of heavy air is on my chest. Yea, it makes no sense, but... well Christ, leave me alone I feel crappy okay?!

Damon, this is all for good though, right? You have a sickness or disorder, or whatever the hell you have and you take something and it's good for you - just deal. Well, all I know is, this stuff isn't gonna make me any better. I may get "less worse", but it's not gonna cure me or turn me normal. How do I know I'm less worse than I would have been without the shots? Research I guess. Statistics. Now either way, for me this is a pretty damn big leap of faith. Science and stats change all the time. Something is good, then it's bad, something works, then it doesn't.

So does this mean I'm gonna stop? I'll consider it. I probably won't though. The thought of being extremely damaged all because I didn't do something I should have sounds kinda boneheaded to me. I've made enough moronic decisions, so I'd rather keep them to a minimum now. So I'll keep on keepin' on and I'm sure I'll have my good experiences and my bad, but that's what happens, right? That's life. (Cliche alert!) No matter what, I'll try my best and I'll try take solace in the comforting things - 1. I'm not alone, people do this all over 2. I'm here, I'm alive, and I have people who care and 3. I have an iPod, tons of CDs, DVDs, and other material crap! Woo-hoo! (oh, and 4. I'm not Carrot Top or that Screech dude).

Oh, and shout out my wonderful friend Dana (shout out: Holla!) who can make me feel better and wished me well this week with my shot. It worked. Things couldn't have gone smoother unless I was a pro.

My Mind is Dangerous

2009-09-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

Lots of stuff goes through my head lately, although none of it ever seems to be positive. It makes me wonder whether they are serious things worth thinking about or if they are all just intensified, exaggerated versions of minor issues that just get blown out of proportion in my spotty, damaged mind.

Look, before all of this MS stuff came to light, I never even considered depression. It was not in my realm of being. I just assumed that it was something that was so… you, know? Like any sadness or whatever that I felt, I knew it was minor. Nothing to worry about. Do a little sulking and let that be that. How or why would doctors or medication ever need to enter the picture? It's just sadness, happiness' ugly twin. It always seemed to be such an out-there concept to me that any of it could be medical or anyone would need to take something to help. If a person is sad or whatever, they're just sad, right?

Then, over the past few months I realize that I am really not all that in control of how I feel anymore. Granted, I still can slap on a smile (or at least a blank expression) if need be, but these days I find that my emotions are just more intensified than I'd like them to be. And this can probably be attributed to those lesions in my brain. Those spots that show up in MRI's that prove my brain is broken. Broken… and now, über emotional.

Not that having emotions is a bad thing, domo arrigato. It's just, especially lately, I have just been so down that there is no other word for it. It's depression. Plain & simple. Sure, I could think about the positives in my life - My parents, who I know won't let me end up homeless and on a freeway offramp begging for nickels. My health, which could be worse but isn't (thank jeebus!). I can see, I can walk, I'm not in a wheelchair. Those are things to be thankful for.

Instead, I feel stuck in this quicksand of negativity. Damon, you have no job. Damon, soon enough you'll have no money. Damon, you moved back home and you haven't been able to leave yet. Damon, you have no room, just a bed & a bookshelf. Damon, you have no car. Damon, you can't lose that weight you desperately need to. Damon, you have no friends. Damon, you have no life. You know what you do have? A shitty outlook on life, Multiple freakin' Sclerosis, and the inability to change the whole life situation dispite trying.

Okay, before I get all Dewey Downer on you (too late!), it is possible that I might be exaggerating. But to me, it sure feels like there's no exaggerating going on. That's where the whole pondering depression as a medical thing comes in. I begin to wonder, is this normal? Am I normal (let's face it, I've never been normal)? Or is this all something I should be dealing with by using some sort of medication? Would it actually help any? It's not like it would actually solve any of those aforementioned life issues that I am so wrapped up in.

What my thought process always lands up on is that all of this is my problem, something in my head or something I should be able to handle, and I just need to stop being a loser and handle it. Take care of business so to speak. It's all just me playing tricks on myself or something. All those feelings of isolation, of desperation, of feeling like I'm the mayor of Losertown - they're stupid and I just gotta move on.

Or they're true. Fuck.

One Word Review: Taking Woodstock

2009-09-06T16:46:00.000-07:00

One-Word Review: Exploration

Looks Like: A side of the big trip that hasn't been as examined, or portrayed. Then again, it's not about what really happened as much as it's about the journey. The journey and the transformation.

Take A Look:

Farewell Michaela Watkins!

2009-09-06T01:47:00.000-07:00

So apparently Michaela Watkins was fired from Saturday Night Live (click the link... AFTER you read my ramblings! Yeesh.). I mean, granted, she's no Kristen Wiig but that's a pretty big standard K-Wiig's set and we can't ask the other female cast members to live up to that! Out of the four female cast members, Wiig and Abby Elliott will return and Watkins and Casey Wilson have their Saturday night dance card wide open.

Yep, Casey Wilson too. I know, surprising! She's been popping up all over the place. I saw her in an episode of Human Giant, in Julie & Julia, and apparently she co-wrote Bride Wars. Oh. I see. Maybe that's why she was fired. Her bad!

Anyway, all I know is I think Watkins had potential and I am gonna miss her Hoda Kotb in those sketches with her and Kristen Wiig as Kathie Lee Gifford. Oh! Also those bits she did as Angie Tempura, the geeky, iced coffee-drinking computer nerd who is the creator of the snarky website "Bitch Pleeze". Yes, it's the character from the video I use as my official "blogger not here at the moment" sign. It will always have a home here... well, as long as someone else hosts the video and it's not taken down for copyright violations!

Genre Confusion

2009-09-05T15:19:00.000-07:00

Question: Would anyone consider this "country" music? I would, but my qualifications I am sure are much different from other peoples. Maybe it's just because the song title is "A Good Horse", I dunno... Opinions?

A Day At The Theater

2009-09-04T23:22:00.000-07:00

So today I went to one of the local Edwards Cinemas. I really used to enjoy going to the movie theater. Now, not as much. Nowadays, I can barely sit through an entire movie without missing scenes. That, dear friends, is a freakin' crime. Let me say it again, in caps this time - I AM MISSING SCENES!

Why? Because I have to duck out to use the restroom. Suuuuperlame. I missed the end of a 90 minute movie (the new Mike Judge flick, "Extract") because I couldn't hold it. 90 minutes! And I made a point to "go" right before. C'mon. That's ridiculous. What, am I geriatric? Then I end up having to ask for a rundown of what I missed. The end of the movie? Yea… I, uh, missed it, but I was told what happened so it's totally just as good. Totally.

This year I have missed a scene in almost every movie I saw in the theaters. Over twenty movies, and numerous experiences ruined for me. Why do I even bother? Well... Hell, I love film. Sad, isn't it? I am, and will always be a film student. I love movies and I love television, and any lame bathroom problems isn't gonna stop me from one of my basic enjoyments.

It will, however, piss me off.

WELCOME!

2009-09-04T22:00:00.000-07:00

I moved all the old blog stuff here, to this new WONDERFUL page. Hopefully I'll start writing again. The occasional review, yes, but also personal stuff. Personal stuff? Yea, I'll probably be bitching about my Multiple Sclerosis (I was officially diagnosed in June) and about my current inability to find work and whatever else I feel like complaining about. Sounds fun, right?

Well, maybe I'll throw in fun stuff like how outraged I am that MTV is developing a show based on Teen Wolf (blasphemy!) or all the cool stuff thats been happening (Dave Grohl is rockin' the drums again with members of Queens of the Stone Age and Led Zeppelin?!?). I'd also like to every once and a while post a playlist so the ZERO people who read my blog can maybe find some cool stuff to (probably never actually) listen to. So yes, fun times ahead!

Well, at least until I abandon another blog again....

Duplicity

2009-03-22T17:00:00.000-07:00

One-Word Review: Twisted

2009-03-02T17:00:00.000-08:00

One-Word Review: Relevant